One Year Ago Today

I got my period today.  It happens every month, so I shouldn't be surprised, though I'm never prepared for it.  I'm still always wondering if this could finally be "the month."

Kind of ironic that I would get my period today, of all days.

It was actually a year and two days ago that I started this blog, as I was trying to process the decision that B and I had made to not go through with our scheduled IVF cycle.  

And it was on this day, January 19, 2012, that there was no turning back from that decision, because it was the last day to take our insurance company's partner up on their offer to make good on the mis-advertised discounted rate for IVF on their website (see the tab in the navigation bar above for more information on this story).

After the 19th, they would no longer honor that price of five thousand and some dollars for a fresh round of IVF.  It was on this day one year ago, that we sealed the last nail in our coffin.

Had we gone through with it, and it had worked, I'd have given birth to our child in early October.  I'd have a three month old baby to care for.  I'd be just returning to work after my maternity leave.  Our dream would be a reality.

Instead we are left with empty shadows and fleeting memories of what our life used to be like before this nightmare of infertility, and the future we once hoped for and looked forward to.

Now we are in a constant state of limbo.  Never wanting to make too big of a decision, never able to commit to anything, never ready to give up, but finding it more and more difficult to hold on to hope, or at least it is for me.

How ironic that today, of all days, I would get my period.  Just another tickmark noting yet again, we aren't pregnant.

I suppose this could probably go without saying, but I'm not exactly handling all this today as gracefully as I would like.  But hey, tomorrow's another day, and it's just one day closer to the day we finally do IVF, or get pregnant naturally, or until whatever is meant to happen, happens.  

Tomorrow is another day, and things always look different in the morning after a night's sleep, yada yada yada.  I got myself a lovely manicure once I finally dragged myself off our recliner this afternoon, and that makes me feel pretty darn special.  And that's a start.  So I think I'll settle in for yet another episode of Breaking Bad on Netflix and a tasty glass Moscato wine (thanks Steph!) with my husband for the rest of the night, and in tribute to Scarlett O'hara, I'll worry about all the rest of it tomorrow.