Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Happy Endings

I haven't posted in a very long time.  There are several reasons for it.  

One reason is that blogging sometimes dragged me down and kept me locked in the prison of my despair.  Other times it gave me a voice and allowed me to advocate for myself, sort through my emotions, and share with others (strangers and loved ones alike) about how I was doing so I wouldn't have to discuss it when I didn't feel like it.  But sometimes it kept me down and I felt like a slave to my sadness.

Another reason is that I did not always like the feedback I received from well-meaning loved ones with whom I'd shared the blog.  At times, I unintentionally wrote things that hurt or offended them.  And they let me know it.  Sometimes, their taking offense offended me because they clearly missed the point of why I was feeling the way I was, or why I was writing about it.  But it wasn't worth fighting over, so I tried to graciously accept their criticism and slowly stopped sharing as much on the blog to avoid future confrontations and hurt feelings all around.  

Sometimes I wish I had made this blog completely anonymous and never shared it with anyone who knows me in real life.  It might have protected some relationships.  Although, if I never could have shared my general feelings, or how specific events affected me, or how those who care about me could try to help or be sensitive to me, would it really have made those relationships better? Or would I have just been suffering in silence?  Would my own resentment have grown with every innocent comment, announcement, or event?  Would I have withdrawn inside myself even further?  Would they have continued in their daily lives unaware of the pain they might be causing other infertiles like me?  I guess I'll never know.  But since we can't re-write the past, I'll have to stand by my decision to write this blog, and the decision to share with people who know me.  I can learn from this experience, and I can be grateful for the role it played in my journey.

The biggest reason why I haven't updated this inconceivable story since Mother's Day is because I was actively living out the end of the story.  And this story, thankfully, has a happy ending.  Yes, DH and I are finally expecting and we couldn't be happier.  In the end, we decided to do IVF and actually travelled to Czech Republic to do it because it was less than half the price to do it there, including all the travel costs.  We were very lucky that it worked first try, especially because we have no frozen embryos left over to try again.  We transferred two embies and one stuck.  I am now over 17 weeks along and we are on cloud nine.  We feel so blessed and are extremely grateful for how lucky we are.

To all those out there who are still struggling, my heart goes out to you.  I wish you all success in your journey and hope you all become parents, in whatever way you can.  Or, if it's what's best for you, I hope you find peace and joy in choosing to live childfree.  This journey leaves a mark on us all, and I know I for one will be forever changed because of it.  But I also know I will be a better mother because of it too.  Now I truly can live out the words from this comforting poem I found 2.5 years ago when I first started this blog: http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/p/i-will-be-wonderful-mother.html.

I wish the same happiness to all the other hopeful parents out there who may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope you all find peace and take comfort in the hope that your own happy ending will come someday too.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Gratitude before Mother's Day

It's been 4 years since we decided to start TTC.  I thought this milestone would be the perfect occasion to reflect back on our journey and to express my deep gratitude for all the family members, friends, co-workers, support group members, medical care professionals, blog readers, forum participants, acquaintances, and even complete strangers that have supported us along the way.  

I am humbled by the amount of love and compassion that so many of you have shown us.  If you are a friend of mine who has listened to our story, read my blog, sent me cards or messages to let me know when you are thinking of me, prayed for me, or cared and thought about me, even if I never knew it, thank you.

Thank you to all those who have checked in on me, given me space when I needed it, considered my feelings in social situations, privately notified me before announcing your own pregnancies, asked how you can help, listened to me, and hugged me.

Thank you to my DH who has been through the trenches with me, supported me, fought for our love, and done everything in his power and good conscience to give me what I want more than anything..... besides him and our love of course.

Although IF has changed me forever and at times has taken over my identity, something else has changed my sense of identity too: the kindness, love, and support of those who have been there for us along the way.  I am so grateful to have so many people in my life who care about me.  I hope you all know who you are, and I hope you know that you make me stronger.  You make my life more full, more complete.  You remind me of the bigger picture and all the small things too, and you help me keep my pain and grief in perspective.  You pull me back out into the world when I get stuck in my own head, and you pick me up and carry me when I can't stand by myself.  

I am sorry for the times I have not been the best friend, mother, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, in-law, co-worker, or listener.  I want to be better.  I want to remember that all those roles which I play and the relationships I have are important parts of my identity too.  I promise to try.  I promise to myself that someday I will work through this suffering and come out on the other side and be even better than the person you knew before this struggle took over me.  I refuse to be stuck here forever.  Someday, whether it's because I move on to motherhood or accept a new child-free life, I will put this behind me.  I'm sure it will always be part of me, but I won't let it consume me forever.  I'll grow from it, learn from it, and be stronger because of it.

And to those of you who will still be there ready and waiting for me when that day finally comes, thank you.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Finally, some updates

I obviously have not been posting lately. It is most definitely not because I don't have anything to talk about. And it isn't that I don't have the time. 

But, I don't know what to do with these words.  I've said before that this blog can be an outlet for me, but it can also be a heavy iron chain tied around my ankle, not letting me escape my grief at times.

But enough has happened that it warrants at least an update here.

In July I began a new fertility-friendly diet, omitting gluten, cow's dairy, refined sugar, alcohol, coffee, most caffeine, frozen and cold foods and beverages, raw vegetables, and sugary drinks, including fruit juices.  I've lost 23 pounds and am thrilled.

In August I began acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicinal herbs.  We also began visiting a support group once a month.

In October, I went to a new clinic for a second opinion since my old doctor, Dr. Robbie, went back to Canada (good riddance).  This is when I learned that my AMH hormones are low, which means I have the egg reserves of a woman in her late thirties, not like the young 32 year-old that I really am.  Clock is ticking faster than we thought. Great.

In November, based on information I'd learned from other women at our support group, I decided I must be a candidate for endometriosis, got a referral to a new doctor, underwent laproscopic surgery, and was treated for mild to moderate endometriosis. After which, I adapted my diet to be more friendly to endometriosis symptoms, which meant omitting soy and eggs from my diet as well due to their high estrogen levels.

During the surgery, my doctor also examined my uterus to make sure there were no fibroids or anything else abnormal in there.  Fortunately I checked out just fine in that department, so that's a relief.  He also did another dye test on my fallopian tubes while I was under so I could avoid doing a third dreaded HSG test.  We wanted to see if my left fallopian tube was still open, since it had been blocked the first two times, but they'd broken through with a catheter during the second HSG.  Oddly, the left was open but the right was blocked now.  I later asked my new RE what she made of that, and she had no idea, other than that clearly I have some issue with my tubes, so there's another possible explanation for our years of infertility.  Tube issues were one of the original problems that IVF was invented for in the first place, so at least there is a treatment I guess, but it's still kind of shocking to get this news.

At the same time, B got another semen analysis and the results showed that he only has 1% morphology.  This is the hardest thing to treat with acupuncture, and western medicine can only treat it with IVF and ICSI.  I was so mad that our previous clinic had not been testing this, even after his varicocele repair surgery!  I felt like all my acupuncture and surgery were for nothing after learning about this.

In December, I completed a clomid challenge to check the quality of my eggs, especially since I now know I have a low egg count.  I went off herbs this month so they didn't interfere with the clomid.  In early January I learned that my quality is fine. What a relief.  So I have good eggs, just not very many of them.

In January, I stopped acupuncture because of the high cost, and since we now know that IVF is our only hope of conceiving for several reasons, we need to save every penny for that if we want children.

So that's where we are.  I'll continue the diet because it reduces the symptoms of endometriosis, and because I would like to continue losing more weight, but I have little hope that it's helping me to conceive now.  When we do IVF, I hope to pick up acupuncture again then, but we'll have to see what the finances are at that time.

I feel like I'm coming close or the end of the road on this journey soon. We've gone from years of unexplained infertility, to completely over-explained and too many answers within a couple short months.  It's overwhelming, and I'm becoming glad it will probably soon all be over, one way or another.  

I don't wish any of this on my worst enemy.  It's the hardest thing that B and I have ever faced together, and that's saying a lot, actually.  It's pretty much defined our marriage, though fortunately not our relationship, thank goodness.  

I'm getting tired, and starting to be ready to look forward to other things in life.  I've been thinking about trying to meet new people, make new child-free friends, and become more actively engaged with life... without thinking about pregnancy, children, families, and finances.  We'll see, it's not over until it's over, but it's slightly relieving to fantasize about what it might feel like when it's all finally over.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

My 32nd Birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday.  This day means many things to me.  It is a day I like to celebrate with my family, especially my mother who gave me life and who will always be my best friend.  It is a day of excitement and reflection.  A day to think about where I've been and who I've become, and a day to look ahead and dream about what the next year and phase of my life will bring.

It also means I'm another year closer to my mid-thirties and my fertility is decreasing.  I only have a solid three years or so left before I'm considered "old" for fertility standards.

It also marks exactly five years of infertility for B & I.  We went off the pill on my birthday in 2008, and after more than 1.5 years of unprotected sex and then another more than 3 years of actively TTC, here we are, still with no baby.

Five years of infertility.

If we are lucky, and the IVF works early next year, I'll still be 33 when our first chid is born.  If we want two, which is the minimum I'd ever planned, we'd have to start again soon after.  Will we have secondary infertility too?  How will we afford IVF again so soon after the first round?  If we wait one year until our first child is one year old, I'd be 34.  That's okay.  That's still before the dreaded "over 35" age-group.  And that's all only if this even works first-time around.  No.  There is now way we could afford it again so soon.  We'll need a new car for the baby first.  And we'll have to furnish the nursery and baby-proof the house.  And pay off the first IVF.  No, we'd have to wait at least two-years to try to pay for that again.  And what if it doesn't work the first time around?  Will we be able to try again right away? No, we'd have to wait a year to pay off something that didn't even work.  Would we only ever be able to afford one child then?  Maybe we better just plan to go all in and apply for one of those more expensive "shared risk" plans where you pay for two or three cycles at once at a discounted rate, and if you don't get a live baby in the end you get some or all the money back.  If we spend $20-30K we wouldn't be able to afford IVF for baby #2 for 5-7 years.  Maybe we'll have no choice but to be a one-child family no matter what we do!

If you can't already tell, I'm prone to catastrophe thinking.  But with so many unknowns, and with so much pressure from Mother Nature and Father Time, how can I not worry and speculate and try to make sure I consider every possible outcome so I can make more informed decisions in the here and now?

We started this whole journey (at least the actively TTC part) when I was 28 years old.  Now I'm 32.  The doctors used to get so excited by how young I was because it would make their jobs so easy.  Now I'm creeping closer and closer toward their usual patients' age.  The odds are falling further and further out of my favor.

Okay, let's try to swing this back around into something positive to focus on.  I mean, today is my birthday after all.  I can't spend the day moping or wallowing in self-pity.  No, let's do something empowering here.  How about a list of 32 things that are positive in my life right now, in honor of my 32nd birthday?

  1. My husband, the love of my life, and partner in everything.
  2. My big, supportive, caring and at times intrusive-in-a-good-way family, especially my Mom & siblings.
  3. My quirky, loyal, entertaining, and comforting dogs.
  4. My friends.  And I am blessed to have so many of them!  I still try to keep in touch with friends from my childhood and high school, and I'm best at seeing my girlfriends from college the most often, and some of my closest friends to this day are actually some I studied abroad with for a few short months over a decade ago.  Then there are new friends too.  Those I work with, or interact with professionally and even virtually.  They all support me and keep me active, engaged, and busy.
  5. My beautiful home.  Sometimes I still can't believe it's really ours and wonder how we got to where we are here.
  6. An amazing job that always stimulates my creative and intellectual sides.  Supports my needs and provides me with privileged opportunities.
  7. My very own still fairly new-ish car, which I am very proud of to this day.
  8. The travel opportunities I've been fortunate enough to have in the past couple of years, especially New Orleans, India, and Italy with my husband, and a "sisters" getaway cruise celebrating my middle sister's upcoming nuptials.
  9. Speaking of sisters, I have the two best ones in the world.  I hope we never grow apart and that years only bring us closer.
  10. And my brother.  He's always been there, ready to have a good time, offer thoughtful input, and receptive to advice from his three, bossy, older sisters.  I love him.
  11. I know family in general was mentioned toward the top, but since I'm getting specific here anyway, I got to give a shout out to my mom.  I don't know where I'd be in my life without her, and I should reach out to her more than I do right now.  I let life and my head get in the way too much and time slips by so quickly.
  12. Time to get small, petty, specific, and silly.  I mean this is going to be a list of 32 positive things in my life, right? So, no matter how ridiculous it feels to write about them, I really should mention all the little things that make me smile, feel happy, or satisfied, or loved.  So the first one on this portion of the list?  My wedding ring.  It's a symbol of the bond between my husband and I, and the love that we share, and everything we have been through and accomplished together.  I'm reminded of all this every time I look down at it on my finger.
  13. My make-up station in the half-bath upstairs.  I've spent years perfecting my make-up routine, and now in my very own house I am slowly creating the perfect make-up application station.  Silly yes, but organization and space of my own makes me happy and peaceful.  So it makes the list.
  14. The collection of costume and semi-precious jewelry I've acquired over years, and the organizational systems I've created to store them and make them more readily accessible to me.  Again, organization makes me happy.  And many of these pieces of jewelry hold memories of special moments with my husband, or family members, or fun adventures and travels.
  15. My bathroom.  It's what sold this cute little old house to us.  It has heated floors, and a whirlpool tub, and a tiled shower with 4 shower heads spraying at you from every direction.  Oh, and it's huge, it used to be a fourth bedroom in this house before they renovated the main floor.
  16. My backyard.  It's just lovely.  It's a place where my dogs get to explore and have a piece of nature and the outdoor world to consider their very own.  I love grilling with B back there and eating at our patio dining set.  It's so pleasant to discover new flowers and plants blooming back there, or just goof around with the dogs.
  17. My wardrobe.  I'm not always happy with the way I look in it, but I am grateful that I have a good job that afforded me the opportunity to take advantage of some great sales after Christmas last year.  I am personally very happy to be able to start dressing more professionally, and I love the way all my new jewelry coordinates with the clothes I selected.
  18. The long days of summer.  Now that I've travelled more, I'm beginning to learn that sunshine really lifts my spirits.  The longer days of sunlight really give me more energy  motivation, and hope.
  19. Autumn.  Even though the days are becoming shorter, Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  I love the crispness in the air, the color of the leaves changing, the aromatic flavor of the foods associated with the season, and the coziness of snuggling under warm blankets and sweaters.
  20. The holidays.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are the best.  They are all about family and love.  I've looked forward to them since I was little girl.
  21. Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime, and the devices that bring them to us on the TV's in our home! B & I gave up cable 5-6 years ago, and these instant streaming applications allow us to stay connected to the world and catch up on popular culture.... all on our own time!  Our busy schedules don't allow us to watch live TV most of the time, so this has really brought a great deal of pleasure and entertainment to our lives.  This one seems so shallow, but it so true.  So so true.  And TV & movies offer me a chance to escape when everything else gets to be too much.  For 30 minutes to an hour or slightly longer I can leave this world and all my troubles and fears behind and think about another time or place and focus on people's troubles that aren't my own.  I value that right now, and I'm not ashamed of it.
  22. Since I'm being shallow and going on about all my material goods, I must mention my iPhone.  That little device has changed my life, and I don't know how I ever functioned, found my way anywhere, or planned a schedule without it.
  23. Photography.  I'm not a photographer.  Not even an amateur one.  But I've always enjoyed taking pictures, and scrapbooking first with special paper and scissors and then later with digital tools to create beautifully printed and bound books.  Now with my iPhone, I'm able take sharp pictures anywhere anytime, and then share them online via Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or store them with Picasa, or create products with them with Snapfish.  All the while, preserving the memories of life.
  24. Genealogy, family pictures, heritage recipes, ancestry.com, and oral family histories and stories.  I am the historian in the family after all.
  25. Science.  Specifically medical advancements and ART that provide opportunities for hope for families like mine and for the lucky ones, help make dreams come true.
  26. Information.  And mediums that provide access to information about things like the science mentioned in number 25 above.  Mediums such as books, scholarly journals, blogs, the internet.  I have learned so much about infertility and my options for coping with and treating it, none of which would have been possible 100, 50, even 25 years ago.
  27. Baby Names.  Just because I'm infertile and other people's pregnancy and birth announcements make me sad and frustrated, doesn't take away my life-long obsession with etymology.  I still read blogs and websites daily for new gems and the latest outrageous celebrity choices.
  28. The color purple.  It's made me feel excited and peaceful all at once since I was three years old.  I love it in all its cool and warm shades and hues.  It makes me happy and I suspect it always will.
  29. New perfumes.  My most recent bottles were Coach's "Love" which B gave to me this year on our 10-year-together anniversary, which happened to be on Valentine's Day.  How appropriate and perfect :)  For our 4-year anniversary, the traditional gift for which is "flowers or fruits," B gave me Coach's "Poppy" and it's light and playful.  Perfect for summer!  Isn't it amazing the way scent can change your mood, bring you confidence, or instantly remind you another time or place?
  30. Rocking babies to sleep. I'm lucky that my mother does daycare in her home, so I often have the opportunity to hold or play with some babies if I can manage to get home early enough on a weekday to visit.  Otherwise, plenty of my friends have babies & even newborns.  I don't do it often, but when I do, it's still the sweetest thing in the world.  Always has been to me.  Now my arms ache because I don't have my own to hold yet. But in those brief moments when I'm holding someone else's child, all that washes away and I bask in the moment of innocence and new life.
  31. Friends and strangers who offer words of advice, support, and just show that they are listening either by responding to blog posts, writing to check-in, or asking how I'm doing when we speak in person or on the phone.  It's not always easy for me to talk about, and sometimes they catch me off-guard, but in the end, it's always nice to be reminded that they care and they have been thinking about me.  Now, the Resolve support group has introduced me to a whole new medium for this kind of encouragement and validation.
  32. This blog.  Sometimes it's an outlet, sometimes I feel shackled to it, sometimes it motivates me, other times I feel dragged down and overwhelmed by it and the feelings it forces me to face and express, but if it is nothing else, I think that it is valuable as a time capsule to help me sort out what is happening to me, how I am coping with it, and allows me to explore ways to take action and control of my life.  It can be empowering, inspiring, humbling, and a release, all at the same time.  I'm grateful for it, and am glad I started it and have stuck with it.  I don't know that I'll have it forever, but at this time in my life, it is an important tool for me.  And I need to take everything I can get right now.

And with that, I'm going to go out now and celebrate my birthday!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The Fertile Soul

For three weeks now I've been seeing an acupuncturist.  And for seven weeks I've been on a new diet to support the work my acupuncturist is doing to promote my fertility through Traditional Chinese Medicine.  The quote above is actually an edited photo I took of a wall hanging in my acupuncturist's office.  It really inspires me and helps me to look at my situation differently and helps me to take on this new challenge head on.

So, as I've alluded to in previous posts, I'm basically trying to incorporate some holistic Eastern healing methods in with our Western medicinal approach.  We've been down the route of IUI, surgery, diagnostic testing and Western Medicine has left us infertile for over three years and with a frustrating diagnosis of "unexplained infertility."  The doctors say we have a 3% chance  of conceiving on our own and that our best hope of achieving the family we want is to do IVF, which costs $13-23K and is not covered by health insurance.

We decided to try something completely different as kind of a last ditch effort before financing IVF next year, so based off high recommendations from other women in our infertility support group, we decided to read The Infertility Cure and I scheduled an appointment an acupuncturist in our area who specializes in infertility and actually collaborates with Dr. Randine Lewis, the author of The Infertility Cure, as a member of The Fertile Soul group.

The Fertile Soul is a body, mind, spirit program of deep internal healing based upon Taoist and Chinese medical practices. They treat infertility by integrating Western expertise with Eastern acupuncture, dietary modifications, traditional Chinese herbal medicine, and healing movement such as fertility yoga.  This blend of therapies helps you heal and strengthen your body and reproductive system by overcoming obstructions to the creative life force, helping people take control of their lives, recognizing causes of imbalance, and obtaining inner peace and harmony. 

As I said above, I've been on the new diet for seven weeks and have had weekly acupuncture appointments for three weeks now.  So far I'm really enjoying the program and looking forward to sharing my thoughts about this experience in a series of future blog posts.  Topics I would like to cover include:
  1. The book and TCM philosophy
  2. The diet and weightloss, and how it effects fertility
  3. How acupuncture can help fertility
  4. The herbal treatments
  5. Charting your cycle
  6. Changes I've observed in my body and outlook
  7. Getting the support you need
  8. Fertility yoga
  9. Meditation, relaxation, and mindfullness
  10. Financial considerations
  11. Our modified plan for TTC & ART
It's going to be a busy Fall with work and personal life events but I'll do my best to check in as often as I can and chip away at this list of topics I'd like to explain as I explore this exciting new approach to our infertility journey!

A Day Too Important to Miss

B & I registered for this over the weekend.  You still have 3 more days for the reduced early-bird rate if you want to join us at the conference!

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Register today buttonExploring Paths of Hope
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Golden Valley, MN
We believe that the RESOLVE Family Building Conference on September 21 is a day too important to miss.
Why? Because the amount of information you will gather and the sense of hope you will gain by attending this conference cannot be overstated.
In workshops on fertility treatment, adoption, donor choices and more, you will meet others just like you who are on the same journey — searching for information and for reassurance that you will have a family. Our conference attendees always tell us how powerful it is when they realize they are not alone. Many tell us that the conference is a "life changing experience".
Register Today!
For more information about topics, session descriptions and speakers — click here!
We enthusiastically thank our sponsors for making this event possible.
Contact RESOLVE today
Phone: 703.556.7172
Fax: 703.506.3266
The National Infertility Association
1760 Old Meadow Rd., Suite 500
McLean, VA 22102
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Wednesday, August 7, 2013


I had other plans for what I wanted to blog about this month.  I wanted to go into the details about TCM and my new diet.  I have an appointment with an acupuncturist next week and thought this would all lead to a really upbeat month full of hope, a sense of being proactive, and a feeling of general optimism as I head toward the last quarter of 2013 and prepare for IVF as soon as we can pull everything together in 2014.

But instead I need to get something off my chest that's been nagging away at me.  For several months now, probably beginning back in June when B & I were travelling with friends (who have children, but this was an adults only trip), I've been getting more and more resentful, angry, and bitter about having to "buy" our potential children.

I've been getting so annoyed by the fact that we have to sacrifice and change our lifestyle so drastically, just to pay for the possibility of getting pregnant.  And don't tell me its just a drop in the bucket of what you'll be paying once you have kids.  That's not true because while you just have the normal expenses that come along with kids, I'll still be paying for my IF treatments for years after my first child is born, if I'm even so lucky as to get a live birth out of the whole endeavor.  Seriously, my first child would be in grade school before I've finished paying off their conception.

Which begs the question, how exactly, per se, am I supposed to be able to pay for daycare, and $500-$1000 a month in IF debt, and even begin to think about doing it all over again to try for a second child?  Seems impossible.  It's sounding more and more likely that B & I would be facing a future raising an only child if we don't knock it out of the park with twins on the first go-round.

I'm just so angry that I even have to think about these things!  The only thing holding B & I back from the family we are trying to achieve is money!  And it's holding us back so definitively that I'm leaning more and more toward exploring a child-free life choice.  I just don't know after all these years of bitter pain and sacrifice, if I could even enjoy a pregnancy that I had to pay so much for the way I once could have.  I don't know if B & I would be happy with the life we'd be bringing a baby into under those circumstances now.  I don't know if we'd be happy now, with the way it seems that things would play out.

A baby won't fix all of our problems, just our biggest problem, which is infertility, of course.  But this one big one extends its roots and creeps into all other aspects of our life.  It affects our finances, our home, our relationship, our sex-life our lifestyle, and all conversations about our future.  Maybe choosing to live child-free would eliminate the biggest problem, so that we could work on repairing all the smaller ones and live a simple, happy life together, like the one we had before we started TTC.

I don't know.

Would I regret this choice later?

Once we've solved some of our other smaller problems (mostly financial I'd say), would we then be left feeling that something was still missing?  Would our arms and hearts ache from the emptiness that a child was supposed to fill?

Maybe I don't have to write the whole thing off in order to feel better about things right now.  Maybe just putting IVF off for another year or two while we get other things more squared away would be a better compromise.  Maybe we should pull back and revisit all this in a year or two, while I'm still young enough to have good odds of success.  Before that dreaded 35th birthday...

Then again, maybe I'm just stressed right now, and have been living off the "vacation-high" all summer where the world's grass seems greener on the other side.  Maybe next month, or next week, or next year I'll feel differently and be ready for IVF as soon as possible again.  A cousin once told me that IF is a roller-coaster of emotions.  Geesh, she wasn't kidding!