Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Happy Endings

I haven't posted in a very long time.  There are several reasons for it.  

One reason is that blogging sometimes dragged me down and kept me locked in the prison of my despair.  Other times it gave me a voice and allowed me to advocate for myself, sort through my emotions, and share with others (strangers and loved ones alike) about how I was doing so I wouldn't have to discuss it when I didn't feel like it.  But sometimes it kept me down and I felt like a slave to my sadness.

Another reason is that I did not always like the feedback I received from well-meaning loved ones with whom I'd shared the blog.  At times, I unintentionally wrote things that hurt or offended them.  And they let me know it.  Sometimes, their taking offense offended me because they clearly missed the point of why I was feeling the way I was, or why I was writing about it.  But it wasn't worth fighting over, so I tried to graciously accept their criticism and slowly stopped sharing as much on the blog to avoid future confrontations and hurt feelings all around.  

Sometimes I wish I had made this blog completely anonymous and never shared it with anyone who knows me in real life.  It might have protected some relationships.  Although, if I never could have shared my general feelings, or how specific events affected me, or how those who care about me could try to help or be sensitive to me, would it really have made those relationships better? Or would I have just been suffering in silence?  Would my own resentment have grown with every innocent comment, announcement, or event?  Would I have withdrawn inside myself even further?  Would they have continued in their daily lives unaware of the pain they might be causing other infertiles like me?  I guess I'll never know.  But since we can't re-write the past, I'll have to stand by my decision to write this blog, and the decision to share with people who know me.  I can learn from this experience, and I can be grateful for the role it played in my journey.

The biggest reason why I haven't updated this inconceivable story since Mother's Day is because I was actively living out the end of the story.  And this story, thankfully, has a happy ending.  Yes, DH and I are finally expecting and we couldn't be happier.  In the end, we decided to do IVF and actually travelled to Czech Republic to do it because it was less than half the price to do it there, including all the travel costs.  We were very lucky that it worked first try, especially because we have no frozen embryos left over to try again.  We transferred two embies and one stuck.  I am now over 17 weeks along and we are on cloud nine.  We feel so blessed and are extremely grateful for how lucky we are.

To all those out there who are still struggling, my heart goes out to you.  I wish you all success in your journey and hope you all become parents, in whatever way you can.  Or, if it's what's best for you, I hope you find peace and joy in choosing to live childfree.  This journey leaves a mark on us all, and I know I for one will be forever changed because of it.  But I also know I will be a better mother because of it too.  Now I truly can live out the words from this comforting poem I found 2.5 years ago when I first started this blog: http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/p/i-will-be-wonderful-mother.html.

I wish the same happiness to all the other hopeful parents out there who may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope you all find peace and take comfort in the hope that your own happy ending will come someday too.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Queen of Shibas... my husband and I are going through infertility too. He had surgery with Dr. Sandlow in September. Could you please send me your e-mail address? I'd love to talk with you about your IVF experience in the Czech Republic. Mine is steadywithin@gmail.com ... also I started a blog. Steadywithin.com. Thank you!