It's been 4 years since we decided to start TTC. I thought this milestone would be the perfect occasion to reflect back on our journey and to express my deep gratitude for all the family members, friends, co-workers, support group members, medical care professionals, blog readers, forum participants, acquaintances, and even complete strangers that have supported us along the way.
I am humbled by the amount of love and compassion that so many of you have shown us. If you are a friend of mine who has listened to our story, read my blog, sent me cards or messages to let me know when you are thinking of me, prayed for me, or cared and thought about me, even if I never knew it, thank you.
Thank you to all those who have checked in on me, given me space when I needed it, considered my feelings in social situations, privately notified me before announcing your own pregnancies, asked how you can help, listened to me, and hugged me.
Thank you to my DH who has been through the trenches with me, supported me, fought for our love, and done everything in his power and good conscience to give me what I want more than anything..... besides him and our love of course.
Although IF has changed me forever and at times has taken over my identity, something else has changed my sense of identity too: the kindness, love, and support of those who have been there for us along the way. I am so grateful to have so many people in my life who care about me. I hope you all know who you are, and I hope you know that you make me stronger. You make my life more full, more complete. You remind me of the bigger picture and all the small things too, and you help me keep my pain and grief in perspective. You pull me back out into the world when I get stuck in my own head, and you pick me up and carry me when I can't stand by myself.
I am sorry for the times I have not been the best friend, mother, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, in-law, co-worker, or listener. I want to be better. I want to remember that all those roles which I play and the relationships I have are important parts of my identity too. I promise to try. I promise to myself that someday I will work through this suffering and come out on the other side and be even better than the person you knew before this struggle took over me. I refuse to be stuck here forever. Someday, whether it's because I move on to motherhood or accept a new child-free life, I will put this behind me. I'm sure it will always be part of me, but I won't let it consume me forever. I'll grow from it, learn from it, and be stronger because of it.
And to those of you who will still be there ready and waiting for me when that day finally comes, thank you.