Wednesday, August 7, 2013


I had other plans for what I wanted to blog about this month.  I wanted to go into the details about TCM and my new diet.  I have an appointment with an acupuncturist next week and thought this would all lead to a really upbeat month full of hope, a sense of being proactive, and a feeling of general optimism as I head toward the last quarter of 2013 and prepare for IVF as soon as we can pull everything together in 2014.

But instead I need to get something off my chest that's been nagging away at me.  For several months now, probably beginning back in June when B & I were travelling with friends (who have children, but this was an adults only trip), I've been getting more and more resentful, angry, and bitter about having to "buy" our potential children.

I've been getting so annoyed by the fact that we have to sacrifice and change our lifestyle so drastically, just to pay for the possibility of getting pregnant.  And don't tell me its just a drop in the bucket of what you'll be paying once you have kids.  That's not true because while you just have the normal expenses that come along with kids, I'll still be paying for my IF treatments for years after my first child is born, if I'm even so lucky as to get a live birth out of the whole endeavor.  Seriously, my first child would be in grade school before I've finished paying off their conception.

Which begs the question, how exactly, per se, am I supposed to be able to pay for daycare, and $500-$1000 a month in IF debt, and even begin to think about doing it all over again to try for a second child?  Seems impossible.  It's sounding more and more likely that B & I would be facing a future raising an only child if we don't knock it out of the park with twins on the first go-round.

I'm just so angry that I even have to think about these things!  The only thing holding B & I back from the family we are trying to achieve is money!  And it's holding us back so definitively that I'm leaning more and more toward exploring a child-free life choice.  I just don't know after all these years of bitter pain and sacrifice, if I could even enjoy a pregnancy that I had to pay so much for the way I once could have.  I don't know if B & I would be happy with the life we'd be bringing a baby into under those circumstances now.  I don't know if we'd be happy now, with the way it seems that things would play out.

A baby won't fix all of our problems, just our biggest problem, which is infertility, of course.  But this one big one extends its roots and creeps into all other aspects of our life.  It affects our finances, our home, our relationship, our sex-life our lifestyle, and all conversations about our future.  Maybe choosing to live child-free would eliminate the biggest problem, so that we could work on repairing all the smaller ones and live a simple, happy life together, like the one we had before we started TTC.

I don't know.

Would I regret this choice later?

Once we've solved some of our other smaller problems (mostly financial I'd say), would we then be left feeling that something was still missing?  Would our arms and hearts ache from the emptiness that a child was supposed to fill?

Maybe I don't have to write the whole thing off in order to feel better about things right now.  Maybe just putting IVF off for another year or two while we get other things more squared away would be a better compromise.  Maybe we should pull back and revisit all this in a year or two, while I'm still young enough to have good odds of success.  Before that dreaded 35th birthday...

Then again, maybe I'm just stressed right now, and have been living off the "vacation-high" all summer where the world's grass seems greener on the other side.  Maybe next month, or next week, or next year I'll feel differently and be ready for IVF as soon as possible again.  A cousin once told me that IF is a roller-coaster of emotions.  Geesh, she wasn't kidding!


  1. Hi there...I completely understand how you feel. I have been through those exact same emotions of thinking perhaps life would be simpler and happier not to stress so much over having children. Then, I would think...but, would I regret not having children. So, please know your feelings are valid and normal. I know you have had a lot on your mind, but I wondered if you had had a chance to look in to the Fertility Care Centers of America (that utilize the Creighton Model and NaProTechnology) to see if you can address the root cause of your infertility? I have my initial consultation with the doctor next week and am anxious to see how he can help me. With charting different biomarkers, I'm already seeing patterns that indicate something is not right...which NO ART doctor or other ob/gyn has bothered to do. I feel like I have been brainwashed in to thinking that ART is THE only way to conceive, when in actuality, most infertility causes are bypassed and not even addressed through ART. Believe me, my husband and I debated long and hard about IVF, and were convinced we would give it a shot until we really started looking at the cost of just one cycle. We couldn't bear the thought of how much money would be gone if it didn't work, even as much as we long to be parents. That thought process, along with wondering why doctors couldn't seem to give me any answers as to different problematic symptoms I keep having, kept me searching for answers. And, that's when I read about the Fertility Care Centers. Yes, it involves your putting forth more effort than taking injections, etc., but in the end you are treating your body. There is hope for you! Whether that be that you and your husband continue down the IVF path, explore alternative methods, live child free, or something else. Just know that I understand completely those emotions you're going through. Hang in there! :)

    1. Hi SM!
      Thank you for following my blog and your comments. I wonder if you could provide more information about the method/resources you are suggesting? Where are the Fertility Care Centers of America and what is the Creighton Model and NaProTechnology? Do you have any links you can point me too? If you can recommend some resources for me to learn more, I'd be happy to blog about it and my findings :)

  2. Check out Kaiser Permanente for your IVF needs. They have a program if you're younger than 37 which seems like you are they I'll do the IVF for you by planting only one and if that doesn't work the next one is on them, free. I think that the only qualification and three free tries I think is the limit. I'm 37 so I didn't go much into details about it with them but it's worth it looking into. In out case we want to try everything we can so if it doesn't work at least we try but if it'll put stress on your marriage and lifestyle probably best to wait after saving up. I'm doing my first cycle on September but we made sure it won't put stress on our finances because the process of IVF is stressful enough and you wouldn't want the extra stress of your finances to go between you and your husband.

    1. Hi Dreaming of a Stork,

      I want to thank you for commenting on my blog! I tried googling the Kaiser Permanente and found to things, one, an insurance policy, and the other a clinic. Neither led me to information about a program where if you are under 37 you can get free cycles if the first doesn't work. Do you have any links to this that you could send me? This sounds like a really good possible opportunity!

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  4. Hi there, I'm so sorry that I never responded to your request for more information on the Creighton Model and NaproTechnology. I didn't see your response until I came on here to read your most recent post. Sounds like you have had quite a lot going on. I completely understand your frustration. You can learn more about the Creighton Model and NaproTechnology by visiting this website: Also, just to update you, through this process my doctor has been able to identify that I have low progesterone. Despite my multiple requests asking my RE and regular ob/gyn to check this since I suspected this was a problem, they just brushed it aside...for almost 4 years! Now that I am charting my mucus patterns through the Creighton model and had bloodwork done on certain days of my cycle, my new doctor was able to put two and two together to figure out that my progesterone levels were unacceptable. I now am on a compounded progesterone each month after ovulation. He has also picked up on some changes with the ovarian cysts that I keep having that no other doctor has picked up on. I urge you to really look in to this. The process does take some time and patience to learn, but it by far seems superior to anything else out there. Instead of bypassing potential health issues, it seeks to identify the source of the problem so treatment can begin to fix it to better the chances of conception.