I have my first hater

Image from Taro the Shiba's Creative Commons Flickr Account

Two weeks ago I posted about "how to be sensitive" with an infertile friend.  That post got a lot of traffic and seems to have stuck a chord with many of my readers.

One reader, was so moved by the post that she actually posted it to her own Facebook wall, commenting that anyone who knows someone struggling with infertility should read the post I wrote.

Now, I've always known that not everyone is comfortable with IVF, or really event ART in general for that matter.  In fact, I witnessed second-hand how cruel people can be in comments of the photo-journalism piece I posted the link to last week.  Those commenters were calling her selfish, telling her to adopt, and all sorts of awful things.

So I knew those people were out there, I just never imagined that by going public with mine & B's struggle, we'd be experiencing this kind of ignorance and cruelty ourselves.

Read the Facebook messages below to see what one of my reader's "friends" posted on her wall after she linked to my blog post (sorry for the screwy formatting in the cut & paste job):

A shared a link.

January 19

If you know someone struggling with infertility, I highly suggest you read this post. It will help you know how to be sensitive. It was written by my cousin-in-law and I'm so so proud of her!http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/2012/01/image-from-older-post-on-faint-lines-i.html

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    N: Good article...thanks for posting, Amy! One thought I had about the whole facebook thing...to set their own pace on your news, they can always hide your statuses from their newsfeed...then you can still celebrate with others your joys and concerns and they can check at their own will.
    

    January 19 at 8:27pm ·  ·  1
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    B: I'm so not a fan of this article!
    

    January 19 at 9:28pm via mobile · 
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    A: Why B?
    

    January 19 at 10:37pm · 
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    B: Well do you feel guilty after reading this article for sharing the joys of pregnancy on your facebook or blog? A baby is a precious miracle and should be celebrated. No it is not fair for some but thats life. I feel awful for those with infertility problems and I wish there was never such a thing however when those people do find themselves pregnant do the rules change for them? Are they able to freely share their concerns, questions, excitement with whom they want because they struggled? Can they proudly post pictures of their ultrasounds without sensor? It just comes across as very selfish. I would hope that I would always be the friend with a shoulder to cry on no matter the struggles in my own life.
    

    Friday at 8:23am · 
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    A: Infertility is a tricky thing & it's really hard to explain it to people who have never had to endure it. The writer agrees that it's a selfish way and that infertiles are hypersensitive, but when you're in that much emotional pain, you can't exactly turn it off. It's not that you aren't happy for that person, you are, but you are also sad for yourself at the same time. Does that make sense? The longer the infertility goes on, the harder and harder it is to be happy for others & the more and more bitter you become. I remember when I had just miscarried Haven & I was at Target. The woman in front of me was buying all kinds of baby stuff & she & the clerk were happily talking about how the mom had already had the baby & this was for the shower & how everyone was so happy & doing so great. When it was my turn to get up to the counter, the clerk unknowingly said, "There's been an awful lot of baby showers lately! Must be in the air!" It took everything inside of me not to lose it right in the middle of Target. It wasn't the clerk's fault, or the woman buying the baby gifts, or the women who had the baby for that matter, but I was bitter & upset. Why does everyone else get a child & I don't? There needs to be a mutual line of respect amongst the pregnant & the infertiles. A lot of pregnant people can be more sensitive to the people struggling (for examle: don't treat them differently, don't NOT tell them you're pregnant, don't complain about your pregnancy to them, don't NOT invite them to the baby shower) and infertiles can be more sensitive to the person who is pregnant (for example: not make them feel guilty about being pregnant, etc). As far as social media goes, I like Nikki 'Burmeister' Harrison advice above. It gives the infertiles control of what they can handle, while allowing the preggos to freely share.
    

    Friday at 8:37am ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: If you read the blog post in it's original context, it was written in response to another post about the "former infertiles" that go on to enjoy successful pregnancies and births as Brooke referenced above. The content of the post was specifically asked for by the readers, and was intended as a list of suggestion for how these women who walk with one foot in both worlds can be sensitive to the sisters left behind, still struggling with infertility.
    
    The reason why this group is specifically targeted is because they are aware of what the other women around them are feeling, so now they have a choice to make about how they communicate their joy to the world around them, which they could choose to base on how they once felt when it seemed everyone else around them was pregnant. Women who have never experienced infertility and have never been close to someone struggling with infertility cannot be blamed for posting their happy news on FB. It's the ones who are aware that carry the burden of whether or not to be sensitive to others around them.
    
    I know plenty of women who have not struggled with infertility and still don't plaster FB with pregnancy related news and pictures all the time. There can be a graceful balance.
    

    Saturday at 11:04pm ·  ·  1
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    B: Yes but this article also states: This message is actually for ALL pregnant women, not just former infertiles.
    

    17 hours ago ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: Fair enough, you have a point, it does say that.
    
    But I think the heart of the story is not really about what you may or may not have gone through in the past, but more so how to be sensitive around close friends or family that you know are suffering from infertility right now. Of course it is any person's right to post anything they want on their own FB page, but maybe if they know someone that they are worried about hurting, this post can offer ways to help them understand where their friend is coming from, emotionally. And perhaps offer ways to help them deal with the situation.
    
    I think the key point in the post is that communication is important. If you know someone you care about is in pain for any reason, not just infertility, the kind and supportive thing to do is to try to be mindful of how your own actions might affect them, and have open communication with them about your concern for them.
    
    You are also right that every pregnancy and child is a beautiful gift that should be celebrated. Infertility throws an unwanted kink in the mix, but as you also said, that's life. Infertility not only affects those who suffer from it, but the other people in their life whom they are close to. This post offers suggestions on how to help 
    people that we might care about who are in pain, get to a place where they can celebrate with the rest of us. Because as A said, it's not that they are not happy for you, they are conflicted by their desire to express their happiness for you despite the fact that it is a reminder of their sadness for themselves.

I think I handled it pretty well, but what you read in my 'anonymous' Facebook responses (I never came clean as the author, though I don't mind if she knows/finds out), isn't an accurate reflection of my true first reactions.

I read what she wrote about not liking the "article" and I wondered where this was heading.  She talked about a baby being a precious miracle and thought to myself, "Duh! Why does she think I want one so bad?"  I read what she wrote about feeling bad for people with infertility but, "that's life" and I wanted to punch the computer screen.  I read that she called me selfish and I started to cry.

I thought about blogging about this incident right away, but I sat on it for a while.  I had a really hard time sleeping that night because I took all her comments so personally.  Here I thought I was writing a blog to reach out to those who cared about me and what B & I are going through, and this stranger barged into my safe space and attacked me!

But then I thought about it some more.

I was the one who had aired out all my dirty laundry, in a public space, and invited trusted friends and relatives to view it.  I am the one who not only decided to leave the settings as public, but to post it to other infertility forums and blogs that I follow.  I am the one who stated very clearly that if my blog has the added benefit of helping others struggling from infertility who happen to stumble across it, that I would be proud.  I am the one who brought this upon myself.

Not only did I decide to "be public," but this hater didn't step into my space.  She had posted on her own friend's Facebook wall.  She could have commented on my blog post, but she didn't.  She wasn't attacking me directly, she was sharing her feelings about a topic that her mind had nothing to do with me as a person because she doesn't even know me.  She was talking to her own friend about an issue she has had personal experiences with, and thusly has her own perspective on.

Turns out this woman has been attacked by an infertile before.  From what I've gathered, she had a friend who was struggling from infertility in the past and really lashed out at her just for being pregnant.  If that is your first encounter with the sad reality of infertility, I can understand why reading my post about how to be sensitive with these people would come across as selfish.  She was probably wondering where the 'article' on infertiles being sensitive with pregnant women was!

I'm not upset anymore, though there was a lot more I would have liked to have said to this woman.  From what I've learned about her, it doesn't sound like trying to explain my feelings or experiences would change her perspective or ignorance very much.  She has had other close friends struggling from infertility since that first incident and never been very sensitive to their condition.  She says at the bottom of her rant that she hoped she'd always be a shoulder to lean on (or whatever) to her friends no matter what.  It doesn't sound like that is really the case for her at all.  I'm sure a lecture from a perfect stranger isn't going to work any better to change her ways.

If she'd continued to read my blog though, she'd know that no, as far as I'm concerned, the rules don't change once an infertile gets pregnant.  In fact, that's what the original post spoke to, former infertiles!  And at the bottom of my blog post, I said that I hoped if I ever became a mother I would look back on this blog post and remember how to be sensitive to those I was leaving behind, and continue to support them and advocate for them.  I still hope I will have the strength, willpower, self-control, and grace to do so.

Maybe We Should Call Them Alumni?

In several posts, I have referred to women who have previously suffered from infertility and then moved on to successfully get pregnant and have children as "former infertiles."  After reading several of the supportive responses (both in blog comments and personal messages) I was starting to thing that this might not be the best label for this group of women.


First of all, they have shown me that the pain you feel from infertility, never really goes away.  Of course they are happy about their blessings and celebrated.  Many of them wanted to shout their good fortune from the rooftops.  One of them even told me she felt entitled to post anything and everything she felt and experienced through her pregnancy and new motherhood, because of everything she had gone through to achieve it.  But even she said that watching TV shows depicting infertile women brings back a flood of old emotions rushing back to her.  Even she said that after going through something like infertility, it never really leaves.  It changes you forever and becomes a part of you.


I have also been thinking lately, that just because a woman achieves one successful pregnancy, doesn't mean the entire infertility roller coaster isn't going to start all over for her again when she tries to conceive additional children down the road.


A Winter 2008 article in The New Atlantis, entitled Blogging Infertility, describes how these "former infertiles" can feel abandoned by the infertile sisters they left behind once they achieve a successful pregnancy.  The support network that infertiles can find in online forums, blogs, and community networks can be very powerful.  Losing those connections once you become pregnant and those who used to support you every step of the way on your journey to get there stop commenting on your posts, drop off your followers list, and generally unfriend you can be emotionally devastating.


So, I was thinking, maybe there is a better label for these women caught with one foot stuck in two different worlds.  "Former Infertile" is not quite accurate, since they will always carry the pain of infertility with them, even if they never struggle to conceive again.  Perhaps "Alumni" is a little bit better.  


Alumni suggests connections and memories of that which they once were a part of.  Of course, it also implies that those who jump through all the hoops and work hard enough will be able to eventually graduate, and that just isn't the case for everyone.  Some women, will never get pregnant.  So thinking of women who once suffered from infertility but went on to later have children as "alumns" kind of makes it seem like those who don't eventually get pregnant did something wrong or brought it on themselves.


So maybe "former infertile" isn't the right word, and "alumni" isn't quite right either.  Maybe we should just call them the lucky ones.  No matter how we refer to them, we must not exclude them or abandon them, just as we do not want them to abandon us.  We all need continued support and sensitivity.  That is the reality of caring for someone whom infertility has touched their life.

How to be sensitive with your infertile friend

I posted last night about my higher expectations for sensitivity from my formally infertile friends who become pregnant. One suggestion that came out of the comments on that post was that I write a follow up post on how these women can be more sensitive to the infertile sisters they left behind, while still being able to enjoy and celebrate their own success & happiness.

This is a tough one, and I think it will depend on individual circumstances (like how well you know other infertiles in your life, or how open you used to be about your own infertility pain compared to how open you are being now about your fertility blessings), but I have come across a few ideas that i can share.

This message is actually for ALL pregnant women, not just former infertiles - Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what we, your infertile friends, cannot have. However, there are things you can do as a sensitive friend to make it easier for us.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy (adapted from the Resolve website)

THIS IS THE NUMBER 1 RULE! I understand that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort. You have every right to vent about these discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put me, your infertile friend, in the position of comforting you. Building on that, don't post these things on Facebook for everyone to see either, because you have no idea how many women in your social network may be silently suffering from infertility. I'll probably do a separate post on why Facebook is so bittersweet for infertiles.

Your infertile friends would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from the baby growing inside of you. When I heard a close friend of mine recently complain about her weight gain, I thought to myself, "How dare she, everyone knows that she is gaining weight because of the baby growing inside her, I'd not only love have that excuse for my own weight issues, but beyond that, I'd give anything to be pregnant like her, I'd gladly gain hundreds of pounds for the opportunity to have a baby!"

Let me set the pace

Once you've announced your pregnancy to me, take your cues from me as to how much we should see each other and talk about anything, especially your pregnancy. I might need a leave of absence from you for a while. Trust that I'll come back to you when I'm feeling stronger. And this might come and go in phases too. I'll have to process things as they come (your pregnancy announcement, your baby shower, the birth, meeting your child for the first time, etc.).

Don't take it personally

So far, I have managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it is getting harder. Stay sensitive to my emotions, and cut me the slack that I may need to be happy for you while crying for myself. If I can't bring myself to hold your new baby, give me time. I am not rejecting you or your new baby; I am just trying to work my way through my pain so that I can show sincere joy for you. The fact that I am willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much our friendship must truly mean to me.

Don't ignore me and don't forget me

Even as you give me space, also send me notes or call occasionally to check on how I'm doing, or to let me know you're still thinking of me. This is especially important if you are a former infertile. I don't want to stop supporting you, so please don't stop supporting me just because your situation has changed.

Invite me to your baby shower, because being excluded sucks even more than facing my pain at your party, but let me know that you'll understand if I can't come because it's too hard for me right now.

This will be covered in a separate post about how to tell me you are pregnant, but please, please, please, don't wait to tell me you are pregnant. Follow the guidelines I will suggest in the other post, but don't leave me out while you tell everyone else. In fact, it would be better if you could tell me first, so I can have time to process it before the whole world already knows. I want to be in a place where I can celebrate with you along with everyone else, not have everyone wondering how I'm going to handle the news.

Ask me before you put me on your mass mailing list  (also see post on blog: Faint Lines)

I don't need to see the updated ultrasound pictures that you send out... unless I tell you I that want to. This is true too of your weekly/monthly updates of your baby once he/she arrives. This includes Facebook wall posts as well. I'm sorry to be so hard on Facebook, but it often isn't a good friend to the infertile. It can be a constant reminder of the pain an infertile is going through, when what we really want is to connect with those we care about to help us stay strong. But again, I'll talk about Facebook issues with a more logical explanation in another post.

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So there it is, that's what I could come up with for now. I'm in the process of writing a separate post about how to tell me you are pregnant, because that one's a doozy, and it's already happened to me twice in the less than two weeks since B & I had to cancel our only shot at an IVF cycle this year. I hope this helps explain where I'm coming from a little better than that first post did, and I really really really hope I can look back on this post someday, when I too am getting ready to announce my own pregnancy, and I can use it to communicate with my infertile sisters with the grace and sensitivity I want from those around me right now.

I think I'm harder on former infertiles

Photo from Cosmopolitan web article,
 "Pregnant Chicks Who Brag Too Much"

Most pregnant women are smug.  There, I said it.  They just have this smugness about them.  They are part of "the club" and they let everyone around them know it.  This is why Facebook and other social media networks are not always a good friend to the infertile.  Pregnant women are everywhere, posting announcements of their pregnancies, ultrasound pictures, nursery pictures, and statuses about how much they can't wait for their pregnancies to be over.

This is something most infertiles, and frankly even fertiles know about.  But here's a question, are infertiles harder on former infertiles?  I think I am.  

I expect more from my sisters who have been where I am.  I find it hypocritical that women who used to bemoan the "in your face" postings of others on Facebook, do the same thing when they finally graduate from infertility and get pregnant.  Worse yet, once their child(ren) is born, and they can't stop talking about "my son" this or "my daughter" that.   Yes, we all know you are proud to be a parent.  And we are all truly happy for you, really, we are.

But have you forgotten something?

How could you so blatantly disregard the feelings of the infertile friends you left behind?  Don't you remember what it felt like when fertiles used to go on and on about their pregnancies and new babies?  Has it escaped you that you used to dread baby showers?  Do I need to remind you that the only reason you could forgive their behavior is because they probably were unaware of the silent plight of so many of the women around them?  But you don't have that excuse, do you?

Yes, I hold former infertiles to a higher standard.  They know first hand the hyper-sensitivity that infertiles experience from every non-chalant comment, picture, post, shower invitation, etc.  When they were infertile, they wished those around them would be more empathetic to what they were going through, and so it is inexcusable that they would not be advocates for their infertile sisters once they graduate and move on from infertility.

Don't get me wrong, they deserve to be happy about their blessings.  And I'm happy for them.  They give me hope and inspiration that it will happen for me too.  They finally got what we all want and are supporting each other to achieve.  And who doesn't love success stories?  

But please, if you once struggled with infertility, and have now been blessed with your miracle child, just remember how it used to feel when it seemed like everyone around you was rubbing their pregnancies/children in your face (even if they didn't mean too).  You have an opportunity to be a better role model, and frankly, to continue being a supportive friend.

I know it is probably unfair of me to hold you to a higher standard than anyone else.  And admittedly, this entire post comes off as a bit selfish.  The sad truth is that infertility at it's worst turns even the best of  us into people we never wanted to be.  But I do feel that it's important for me to post about this because I don't want see the world as fertiles vs. infertiles.  Rather I'd like to see it as sensitive vs. insensitive.  I beg you, please don't become one of them, the insensitive.

And to all my friends who have been where I am and have since been blessed with the family we all hope for.  I mean it when I say I'm happy for you and you inspire me.  I don't want to be a foul-weather friend, there for you when you are struggling and abandoning you when it is time to celebrate.  Not at all.  I want to continue the same supportive relationship we worked hard  to build.  So please, share all your happy news with me, just be sensitive with me.