A Return to Blogging

I am risen!  Today marks a return to blogging and chronicling my & B's story as we wade through a sea of infertility during our quest to start a family together.  This blog has been conspicuously dormant for the past four months, and very quite for another six months or so before that.  I have been having a silent rebellion against blogging and sharing my feelings with the world for nearly a year, and have finally decided to open up about what has been on my mind and hopefully get back into a regular routine of blogging again.  How fitting that I should make my return on the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), which is recognized April 21-27, 2013.  This first returning post will be my small contribution to the movement, though my busy work engagements this week will not allow me to be much more active than this until the week is over.

My hiatus all started with some comments from friends and family which were well intentioned or at least not meant to be hurtful, but made me feel bad in a way I didn't like, so I slowly stopped sharing my feelings for a while, since so many people who know me personally also follow my blog.  If this was a completely anonymous blog and nobody knew me, I could have shared my frustrations about other people's comments on here as an outlet.  But as it is, I was finding that opening up on here was leaving me vulnerable to painful comments and so I refrained from writing for a while.

Many have been asking me in person why I don't write any more, and looking for updates on our story.  Here we are, one year out from B's surgery and many are wondering if anything has changed.  

I may choose to blog later about the specific comments that made me think twice about opening up in my blog, but only so that people can understand how truly sensitive I am about this stuff and with the hope that it will prevent them or others from making the same mistake again....  or I may just keep silent about it forever because in the end, I know that I am over-sensitive to everything revolving around babies, motherhood, and fertility and nobody with whom I've shared my blog with has anything but concern and love for me, so why would I want to call them out on something that is really my problem anyway?

But for now, I will satisfy everyone's curiosity with an update on where we are one year post-surgery:

No changes.

B had another sample analysis taken a couple months ago, and there were no improvements to any of his counts.  He's pretty much right where he was before the varicocele repair surgery.  Which honestly, wasn't a bad place then either.  He's always been right on the edge.  Always on the low end of normal, or just low enough to be right on the outside of normal.  We always knew the surgery was a shot in the dark, since his numbers did not indicate that the varicoceles were definitively what was causing our infertility, but it was the only treatment we could consider that was covered by health insurance.

With that last sample analysis, we are now pretty much just biding our time until we can try to finance IVF in 2014.  We are always aware of our infertility, but we are barely even TTC anymore, since we don't have hope that the surgery made a difference and it has been technically four and a half years of trying on our own not working (three years of purposefully/actively TTC).  After a while, you just kind of lose hope and give up.  We know our plan is to try to find a way to afford IVF early in 2014, so the end goal seems tangible, like  a light at the end of the tunnel, like the end of this torture is drawing near, and makes each month that we don't get pregnant seem like less of a big deal than it used to be.  

Sometimes.  

Other times things hurt as much as they always have and I can't pull myself out of the pain and depression of wanting what is natural and my human instinct to have, only for my body to work against me and nobody can even tell me why.  

Unexplained Infertility is the worst.

I'm blessed to have such sensitive friends

To the friend who happens to be a former infertile and I wasn't sure if she'd been reading my blog or not, but sent me a private FB message today warning that she'd posted a few pics of her twin infant sons upon request of other friends & family today: thank you.  Thank you for reading my blog.  Thank you for being so sensitive.  And thank you for being so thoughtful.  You are a blessing in my life and I'm so lucky to be able to call you a friend.  And I love your little blessings and can't wait to see them again soon!

Rough Week (Baby Showers Galore)

This is a picture of children's books that I collected at the library conference I attended in Dallas last month.  I discovered last year that you can find newly released books, sometimes signed by the others, at really good prices in the exhibitor's hall.  I picked up a few last year and gave them away as baby shower gifts so quickly that I ran out by Christmas.  I decided to really stock up this time around since so many babies are on the way this year.


I've got baby showers for 3 babies this weekend.  Two tomorrow (Friday) and one for a close friend on Saturday.  I was actually starting to get kind of excited for these showers when I went out shopping on Monday to pick up cards, wrap/bags, and a little something to go with the book or two I'll give each baby-on-the-way.  That is, until I got completely overwhelmed.


First I picked up some outfits, and the cards, and the gift bags.  I was doing good.  Then I remembered that another friend had had her second baby last Fall & I never sent a little gift because I was out of books, so I thought I'd send her one of the many you see in the picture above, but then I'd need a card, so I went back to pick one up.


While I was at it, I thought I should think ahead and pick up a card for another close friend who lives far away but is due with her second child in April, & I'd want to send a gift when the baby arrives.  So I had to pick out a really thoughtful card to go with the book I'd send.  But then I thought she was such a good friend, I should go pick out a little outfit or something too, so I went back over to the baby section...again.


Then I remembered that my husband's cousin in Germany just had their second child, and we should at least send them a card.  One of my books wouldn't really do since it would be all in English though, so I should pick out another outfit or blankie or something.  I picked out a sleeper and then went back to the cards...again.


Well then I remembered that another friend just announced her pregnancy and would probably be having some kind of shower soon, so I should just get it all taken care of while I was at it, because who knew how emotional I'd be in the future, and it would be nice to just have it all done now.  As I walked back to the baby area it dawned on me that I don't know the sex of this baby.  In fact, it's all so new that the mother might not even know the sex yet.  Anything I picked up now would not be very personal for such a close friend.  I decided I really needed to stop and just go home.  The anxiety was setting in.


My bill came to $58 and that's when the husband called warning me not to spend too much.  Really?  REALLY?  I needed 3, count them 3 shower gifts, cards, and wrapping, plus cards for 3 more babies, not to mention another two on the way this summer that I wasn't even worrying about yet!  Plus, it was all I could do to muster the strength to spend over an hour weeding through baby clothes, blankies, toys, bibs, etc., and now he was lecturing me about spending too much money on this project?!?  I was annoyed to say the least.


Plus, when I got home, I remembered that my cousin is due this summer too, and there will surely be a family baby shower for her soon too.


So that was all earlier in the week and kind of left me feeling anxious about everything coming up this weekend.  I'm feeling like I spent too much, like I should go to the dollar store to get cards and wrapping and return the stuff I got at Target.  I have to make snacks to pass and I don't have the energy to shop for and cook anything tonight plus work out with my workout buddy, but I don't want to buy some cheap processed junk food either.


Oh, and guess what? My co-worker just told me her daughter who has endo just got pregnant... one week after going off the pill.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this pain on anyone and I'm super happy for them that they didn't have to struggle with infertility like they assumed they would, but seriously?  Someone who went into TTC knowing they'd have trouble get's knocked up right away?  And we, who've been off the pill for 3.5 years and TTC for 1.5 years have no babies and no answers?  Come on!


I know this is kind of a whiny "ranting" post, but it's my blog and this is one of the things I created it for: getting my feelings out in a safe place.  I can't always walk around optimistic and hopeful and seeing the silver lining in things.  Sometimes I just want to vent.  That way, I can clear my head, put on a smiley face again, and go have fun at these showers this weekend.  Which, by the way, really are going to be fun.  I love party food and the one on Saturday will have many of my closest friends coming from all over a tri-state area, so I am super excited to hang out & spend time with everyone, not to mention dote on the parents-to-be who are going to be AMAZING parents and I can't wait to meet their little guy :)

I have my first hater

Image from Taro the Shiba's Creative Commons Flickr Account

Two weeks ago I posted about "how to be sensitive" with an infertile friend.  That post got a lot of traffic and seems to have stuck a chord with many of my readers.

One reader, was so moved by the post that she actually posted it to her own Facebook wall, commenting that anyone who knows someone struggling with infertility should read the post I wrote.

Now, I've always known that not everyone is comfortable with IVF, or really event ART in general for that matter.  In fact, I witnessed second-hand how cruel people can be in comments of the photo-journalism piece I posted the link to last week.  Those commenters were calling her selfish, telling her to adopt, and all sorts of awful things.

So I knew those people were out there, I just never imagined that by going public with mine & B's struggle, we'd be experiencing this kind of ignorance and cruelty ourselves.

Read the Facebook messages below to see what one of my reader's "friends" posted on her wall after she linked to my blog post (sorry for the screwy formatting in the cut & paste job):

A shared a link.

January 19

If you know someone struggling with infertility, I highly suggest you read this post. It will help you know how to be sensitive. It was written by my cousin-in-law and I'm so so proud of her!http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/2012/01/image-from-older-post-on-faint-lines-i.html

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    N: Good article...thanks for posting, Amy! One thought I had about the whole facebook thing...to set their own pace on your news, they can always hide your statuses from their newsfeed...then you can still celebrate with others your joys and concerns and they can check at their own will.
    

    January 19 at 8:27pm ·  ·  1
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    B: I'm so not a fan of this article!
    

    January 19 at 9:28pm via mobile · 
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    A: Why B?
    

    January 19 at 10:37pm · 
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    B: Well do you feel guilty after reading this article for sharing the joys of pregnancy on your facebook or blog? A baby is a precious miracle and should be celebrated. No it is not fair for some but thats life. I feel awful for those with infertility problems and I wish there was never such a thing however when those people do find themselves pregnant do the rules change for them? Are they able to freely share their concerns, questions, excitement with whom they want because they struggled? Can they proudly post pictures of their ultrasounds without sensor? It just comes across as very selfish. I would hope that I would always be the friend with a shoulder to cry on no matter the struggles in my own life.
    

    Friday at 8:23am · 
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    A: Infertility is a tricky thing & it's really hard to explain it to people who have never had to endure it. The writer agrees that it's a selfish way and that infertiles are hypersensitive, but when you're in that much emotional pain, you can't exactly turn it off. It's not that you aren't happy for that person, you are, but you are also sad for yourself at the same time. Does that make sense? The longer the infertility goes on, the harder and harder it is to be happy for others & the more and more bitter you become. I remember when I had just miscarried Haven & I was at Target. The woman in front of me was buying all kinds of baby stuff & she & the clerk were happily talking about how the mom had already had the baby & this was for the shower & how everyone was so happy & doing so great. When it was my turn to get up to the counter, the clerk unknowingly said, "There's been an awful lot of baby showers lately! Must be in the air!" It took everything inside of me not to lose it right in the middle of Target. It wasn't the clerk's fault, or the woman buying the baby gifts, or the women who had the baby for that matter, but I was bitter & upset. Why does everyone else get a child & I don't? There needs to be a mutual line of respect amongst the pregnant & the infertiles. A lot of pregnant people can be more sensitive to the people struggling (for examle: don't treat them differently, don't NOT tell them you're pregnant, don't complain about your pregnancy to them, don't NOT invite them to the baby shower) and infertiles can be more sensitive to the person who is pregnant (for example: not make them feel guilty about being pregnant, etc). As far as social media goes, I like Nikki 'Burmeister' Harrison advice above. It gives the infertiles control of what they can handle, while allowing the preggos to freely share.
    

    Friday at 8:37am ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: If you read the blog post in it's original context, it was written in response to another post about the "former infertiles" that go on to enjoy successful pregnancies and births as Brooke referenced above. The content of the post was specifically asked for by the readers, and was intended as a list of suggestion for how these women who walk with one foot in both worlds can be sensitive to the sisters left behind, still struggling with infertility.
    
    The reason why this group is specifically targeted is because they are aware of what the other women around them are feeling, so now they have a choice to make about how they communicate their joy to the world around them, which they could choose to base on how they once felt when it seemed everyone else around them was pregnant. Women who have never experienced infertility and have never been close to someone struggling with infertility cannot be blamed for posting their happy news on FB. It's the ones who are aware that carry the burden of whether or not to be sensitive to others around them.
    
    I know plenty of women who have not struggled with infertility and still don't plaster FB with pregnancy related news and pictures all the time. There can be a graceful balance.
    

    Saturday at 11:04pm ·  ·  1
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    B: Yes but this article also states: This message is actually for ALL pregnant women, not just former infertiles.
    

    17 hours ago ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: Fair enough, you have a point, it does say that.
    
    But I think the heart of the story is not really about what you may or may not have gone through in the past, but more so how to be sensitive around close friends or family that you know are suffering from infertility right now. Of course it is any person's right to post anything they want on their own FB page, but maybe if they know someone that they are worried about hurting, this post can offer ways to help them understand where their friend is coming from, emotionally. And perhaps offer ways to help them deal with the situation.
    
    I think the key point in the post is that communication is important. If you know someone you care about is in pain for any reason, not just infertility, the kind and supportive thing to do is to try to be mindful of how your own actions might affect them, and have open communication with them about your concern for them.
    
    You are also right that every pregnancy and child is a beautiful gift that should be celebrated. Infertility throws an unwanted kink in the mix, but as you also said, that's life. Infertility not only affects those who suffer from it, but the other people in their life whom they are close to. This post offers suggestions on how to help 
    people that we might care about who are in pain, get to a place where they can celebrate with the rest of us. Because as A said, it's not that they are not happy for you, they are conflicted by their desire to express their happiness for you despite the fact that it is a reminder of their sadness for themselves.

I think I handled it pretty well, but what you read in my 'anonymous' Facebook responses (I never came clean as the author, though I don't mind if she knows/finds out), isn't an accurate reflection of my true first reactions.

I read what she wrote about not liking the "article" and I wondered where this was heading.  She talked about a baby being a precious miracle and thought to myself, "Duh! Why does she think I want one so bad?"  I read what she wrote about feeling bad for people with infertility but, "that's life" and I wanted to punch the computer screen.  I read that she called me selfish and I started to cry.

I thought about blogging about this incident right away, but I sat on it for a while.  I had a really hard time sleeping that night because I took all her comments so personally.  Here I thought I was writing a blog to reach out to those who cared about me and what B & I are going through, and this stranger barged into my safe space and attacked me!

But then I thought about it some more.

I was the one who had aired out all my dirty laundry, in a public space, and invited trusted friends and relatives to view it.  I am the one who not only decided to leave the settings as public, but to post it to other infertility forums and blogs that I follow.  I am the one who stated very clearly that if my blog has the added benefit of helping others struggling from infertility who happen to stumble across it, that I would be proud.  I am the one who brought this upon myself.

Not only did I decide to "be public," but this hater didn't step into my space.  She had posted on her own friend's Facebook wall.  She could have commented on my blog post, but she didn't.  She wasn't attacking me directly, she was sharing her feelings about a topic that her mind had nothing to do with me as a person because she doesn't even know me.  She was talking to her own friend about an issue she has had personal experiences with, and thusly has her own perspective on.

Turns out this woman has been attacked by an infertile before.  From what I've gathered, she had a friend who was struggling from infertility in the past and really lashed out at her just for being pregnant.  If that is your first encounter with the sad reality of infertility, I can understand why reading my post about how to be sensitive with these people would come across as selfish.  She was probably wondering where the 'article' on infertiles being sensitive with pregnant women was!

I'm not upset anymore, though there was a lot more I would have liked to have said to this woman.  From what I've learned about her, it doesn't sound like trying to explain my feelings or experiences would change her perspective or ignorance very much.  She has had other close friends struggling from infertility since that first incident and never been very sensitive to their condition.  She says at the bottom of her rant that she hoped she'd always be a shoulder to lean on (or whatever) to her friends no matter what.  It doesn't sound like that is really the case for her at all.  I'm sure a lecture from a perfect stranger isn't going to work any better to change her ways.

If she'd continued to read my blog though, she'd know that no, as far as I'm concerned, the rules don't change once an infertile gets pregnant.  In fact, that's what the original post spoke to, former infertiles!  And at the bottom of my blog post, I said that I hoped if I ever became a mother I would look back on this blog post and remember how to be sensitive to those I was leaving behind, and continue to support them and advocate for them.  I still hope I will have the strength, willpower, self-control, and grace to do so.

Follow Up to "Pregnant Women are Smug"

I'm afraid that now I too have been guilty of being insensitive to my friends.  Although it was not my intention, my actions have caused pain and anxiety to those around me.  Even though I wasn't even thinking about them, things I posted on this blog has struck a personal chord for some of my friends and hurt them.


I'm referring to my currently pregnant friends.  I wrote a post about pregnant women in general, and lumped them all together in one category and called them smug.  Then I posted a song I found by the same title.  I found it humorous with a grain of truth behind it and so I posted it to lighten up the mood of this blog, which is mostly filled with me whining about why I'm so sad, angry, bitter, jealous, and other such selfishness.


But I didn't think about a couple of amazing friends whom I'm really close to who might get their feeling hurt by me saying such things.  I didn't think about the fact that they too are hypersensitive right now (like me) - and there's is hormonally induced which can prevent them from seeing rationally beyond their current pain.


I'm upset with myself because these friends have done everything as sensitively as they could, waaaay before I ever blogged about "how to be sensitive with me."  The two I am specifically thinking about right now both told me first that they were pregnant before any of our other friends.  I don't think any of them ever even officially announced their pregnancies on Facebook, though they each subtly let a few rare photographs of them in completely unrelated circumstances speak for themselves.  And neither has bombarded me with gushing news of how their pregnancies are progressing.  


They've been so kind to me (regardless of whether they were even thinking about me when doing/not doing these things).  And now I am very sorry for not thinking about how my comments might hurt their feelings.  If you are reading, you know who you are!  Please forgive me if I hurt you.  I wasn't even thinking about you when I wrote those posts, I was speaking generally and not being sensitive to the idea that you currently identify with that group.  Thank you for continuously being a great friend to me, even when I fail to be the best friend I know I can be for you.

Why Facebook is Not Always My Friend

In my recent posts: How to be Sensitive with your Infertile Friend and How to Tell Me You're Pregnant, I kept promising to write a separate post about why Facebook is such a double edged sword for people suffering with infertility.  

This was kind of a tricky one to write about, because its so difficult to explain what infertiles experience on Facebook in a way that doesn't make pregnant women and parents feel defensive about frequently posting about ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures.  Its not like their is any easy way to ask women to temper their enthusiasm on Facebook if they want to be mindful of their infertile friends' feelings.  People can get really offended when it comes to their kids.

But, just as the intention of the two posts referenced above was to offer suggestions of how anyone can be sensitive to friends or family that they know are struggling with infertility, this too is an important post written in the same spirit.  I will try to explain what the infertiles go through, in effort to help others understand why what they write on their own Facebook walls can cause pain.

Before Facebook, infertile women could try to avoid pregnant people at work or social gatherings, limiting their exposure to triggers of bitterness or jealousy.  But that was when friendships were forged in person.  

Now, with millions  of people connecting on Facebook, infertiles can feel trapped.  If we detach from the social media networks (some people call it taking a vacation from Facebook for a while, or going on a Facebook Diet for your mental health), we may lose touch with our supportive network of friends and family.  We also can lose connections and updates from helpful resources, networks, and forums.  But if we choose to continue using Facebook, we are unable to avoid its frequent reminders - ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures - of what might elude us forever.

Here is a hilarious example of what Facebook can look like to an infertile: (from a little pregnant)

Several people have suggested that I "hide" a person's updates in my news feed, if they become pregnant and their posts are too difficult for me to bear.  I have an issue with that.  If they are an acquaintance, fine, that's a good idea, but I'll probably never remember to go back and "unhide" them, so I'll have pretty much lost touch with them, and in that case, what's really the point of being Facebook friends anymore?

If they are a close friend, I have a serious problem with hiding them.  I probably won't forget to unhide them later, but that will be at least six to eight months of being completely out of touch with them on one of my main communication mediums.  If they do have anything else going on in there lives besides their pregnancy, I'll miss out on it.  

And if I do ever go to their page to catch up, I'll still be bombarded with all the stuff I was trying to avoid by hiding them in the first place.  Ok, you say, "just don't go on their page until their pregnancy is born."  Even if I decide to cut myself off completely from a hidden pregnant friend, I'm still going to see her posts on other friend's walls, with her baby bump or ultrasound profile picture, not to mention whatever baby-related things she may or may not be talking about in the post itself.

Even if you do hide all pregnant people as soon as you see that first announcement (close friends & acquaintances alike), it's not going to solve the problem.  The real issue is that you never know it's going to happen until you log in and there it is, at the top of your news feed again. Someone you knew in high school has posted her first ultrasound photo, a cousin has announced her two pink lines, someone who's infertility blog you've been following for a year has posted about her baby’s heartbeat, and you begin to cringe.  What you were expecting to be a quick glance through your personal Facebook feed has now rocked your day and left you staring at an unexpected pregnancy announcement.


And it doesn't end there.  I won't even get into all the "Mom Meme" posts like the one below, but  this is an example of why just hiding someone while they are pregnant doesn't solve the problem.  The pain goes on forever if parents are not sensitive to the way their posts continue to affect infertile friends and family.

The truth is,there's no shortage of people who feel pain while scrolling through Facebook: Chronically single people may envy friends' wedding pictures, for instance.  There have actually been several articles & blog posts about a Harvard business blog writer's post arguing that show that Facebook may be bad for your mental health.  There was also a research study done out of Standford recently on the same topic.


So, while many many many infertile women have bemoaned the confliction we experience on Facebook nearly every time we visit the site, we may have very well have caused similar pain for other people about other topics on Facebook.  But here's the difference, engagement announcements rarely come out of the blue.  If  a single woman's friend gets engaged, she probably saw it coming and was able to slowly prepare for it as their friend dated and got serious in their relationship.  Pregnancy announcements are different because most of the time, you don’t know when your friends are ovulating or if they’re trying to procreate.  Pregnancy announcements can come at 5 weeks or they can come when the person is 6 months along — you just never know.


Anyway, I'm hoping that this can begin to explain what infertile women are feeling about Facebook.  I'm not posting about this topic with the intent of getting others to change what they post on their own wall.  Rather, I'm just trying to create awareness, and if it leads some people who know people they are close to are suffering from infertility decide to use a little bit of a filter or censorship before posting every little detail of their pregnancy on Facebook because they would like to be sensitive to their friends' pain, then I'm proud to have helped them.


But more important than filtering yourself or exercising circumspection before posting your updates, is communicating with your infertile friend.  Acknowledge her pain, acknowledge your discomfort with the situation your pregnancy is causing to you to experience in your relationship with her (if there is discomfort), and ask her what she needs from you so you can continue to support her through her pain, while she supports your happiness.  


She may ask you to make a few concessions for her, or she may let you know that she needs to hide you for a while.  Whatever the case may be, please don't take it personally.  You already did the right thing by being a supportive friend and opening the line of communication with her, and she is lucky to have you in her support network.




A few other blog posts and articles (there are many, many more out there!) about infertiles and Facebook:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402856.html
http://chronichealing.com/facebook-fertility-fallout/
http://www.fertilityauthority.com/comment/1011172
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/11/facebook-status-updates-and-infertility/
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/why-your-infertile-friends-may-be-hiding-you-from-their-facebook-feed-2407307.html
http://adeaconswife.com/2010/10/26/the-pain-of-infertility-and-facebook-envy/

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/baby-face.html

How to tell me you are pregnant

(content adapted from an old post on 

Acheiving Conceiving and this Huffington Post for Women article)

Tell me first.This one might seem to go against your intuition.  You might be more inclined to tell all your other close friends before me, and stall as you try to find a way to break the news to me.  The problem with that is, when I finally do find out, not only am I struggling to process the news, I'm also paranoid that you've already told everyone else and I was the last to know.  

I'll then have images racing through my mind of you telling everyone but me, and all of you talking about me behind my back, wondering, "how is she going to take it?," or asking you, "have you told her yet?." 

Like I said in my post about how to be sensitive, the one thing that's worse than facing your pain related to infertility is feeling left out  or that people are talking about you behind your back on top of it.  I'm hoping that by putting all my feelings out there in the open through this blog, those closest to me will  realize that I want people to acknowledge my situation, not ignore it, and then act sensitive accordingly.

Don't do it in personI will need to be sad for myself even while I am happy for you. It's hard for me to make my face look or my voice sound happy when I'm so conflicted.  Let me get my bearings and get used to the idea before I see you in person or talk to you on the phone.  Email is best because it is the most thoughtful and personal, but a private Facebook Message written lovingly could work too.  Do not text it to me, that's just cold and looks like you are avoiding me and don't want to take the time to consider my feelings.

Speak directly to me and acknowledge my pain This means, don't do it in a mass email.  Tell me (or email me alone) before you tell the rest of the world en masse.  Go ahead and spit out the news, but don't be overly giddy about it.  Tell me you won't forget how hard this is for me, and how you'll always support my efforts and be there for me. 

Don't tell me the length of time it took to conceiveEven if you didn't just "fall pregnant" and it took you seven months and this was a planned pregnancy.  It is never helpful to hear how long it took or how you did it.  If you've been doing treatments yourself, I should already know that and if you didn't share it with me before, a pregnancy announcement isn't the right time to share it with me now.

Acknowledge your discomfort (if you have some) So many times, a person simply wants their own situation acknowledged and admitting to your discomfort opens the door for both people to deal with the emotions immediately rather than having them build over the course of the pregnancy.

Keep it briefWhen you give the pregnancy announcement, provide the basic information.  Fill in the details as I ask you questions, at my own pace.  If I am not asking questions, that may be your cue that I am not ready to hear the information.

The sooner you find a way to tell me you are pregnant, the sooner I can process your happy news and get to a place where I can sincerely celebrate with you and everyone else around you.  This won't be comfortable or easy for either of us, but it is a fact of life that infertiles must endure.  While we may sometimes feel like we'd like to hide under a rock until we too are pregnant and can participate in the "normal" functioning world, the truth is that we have to face our pain and go on living through the midst of it.

Our infertility affects everyone around us, and unfortunately, as my close friend or family member, that includes you.  Treating the situation this way will help us all to cope with support and grace.  Just by reading this post you have shown that you understand that and care a great deal.  Congratulations! You my friend are one of the sensitive ones.

How to be sensitive with your infertile friend

I posted last night about my higher expectations for sensitivity from my formally infertile friends who become pregnant. One suggestion that came out of the comments on that post was that I write a follow up post on how these women can be more sensitive to the infertile sisters they left behind, while still being able to enjoy and celebrate their own success & happiness.

This is a tough one, and I think it will depend on individual circumstances (like how well you know other infertiles in your life, or how open you used to be about your own infertility pain compared to how open you are being now about your fertility blessings), but I have come across a few ideas that i can share.

This message is actually for ALL pregnant women, not just former infertiles - Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what we, your infertile friends, cannot have. However, there are things you can do as a sensitive friend to make it easier for us.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy (adapted from the Resolve website)

THIS IS THE NUMBER 1 RULE! I understand that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort. You have every right to vent about these discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put me, your infertile friend, in the position of comforting you. Building on that, don't post these things on Facebook for everyone to see either, because you have no idea how many women in your social network may be silently suffering from infertility. I'll probably do a separate post on why Facebook is so bittersweet for infertiles.

Your infertile friends would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from the baby growing inside of you. When I heard a close friend of mine recently complain about her weight gain, I thought to myself, "How dare she, everyone knows that she is gaining weight because of the baby growing inside her, I'd not only love have that excuse for my own weight issues, but beyond that, I'd give anything to be pregnant like her, I'd gladly gain hundreds of pounds for the opportunity to have a baby!"

Let me set the pace

Once you've announced your pregnancy to me, take your cues from me as to how much we should see each other and talk about anything, especially your pregnancy. I might need a leave of absence from you for a while. Trust that I'll come back to you when I'm feeling stronger. And this might come and go in phases too. I'll have to process things as they come (your pregnancy announcement, your baby shower, the birth, meeting your child for the first time, etc.).

Don't take it personally

So far, I have managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it is getting harder. Stay sensitive to my emotions, and cut me the slack that I may need to be happy for you while crying for myself. If I can't bring myself to hold your new baby, give me time. I am not rejecting you or your new baby; I am just trying to work my way through my pain so that I can show sincere joy for you. The fact that I am willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much our friendship must truly mean to me.

Don't ignore me and don't forget me

Even as you give me space, also send me notes or call occasionally to check on how I'm doing, or to let me know you're still thinking of me. This is especially important if you are a former infertile. I don't want to stop supporting you, so please don't stop supporting me just because your situation has changed.

Invite me to your baby shower, because being excluded sucks even more than facing my pain at your party, but let me know that you'll understand if I can't come because it's too hard for me right now.

This will be covered in a separate post about how to tell me you are pregnant, but please, please, please, don't wait to tell me you are pregnant. Follow the guidelines I will suggest in the other post, but don't leave me out while you tell everyone else. In fact, it would be better if you could tell me first, so I can have time to process it before the whole world already knows. I want to be in a place where I can celebrate with you along with everyone else, not have everyone wondering how I'm going to handle the news.

Ask me before you put me on your mass mailing list  (also see post on blog: Faint Lines)

I don't need to see the updated ultrasound pictures that you send out... unless I tell you I that want to. This is true too of your weekly/monthly updates of your baby once he/she arrives. This includes Facebook wall posts as well. I'm sorry to be so hard on Facebook, but it often isn't a good friend to the infertile. It can be a constant reminder of the pain an infertile is going through, when what we really want is to connect with those we care about to help us stay strong. But again, I'll talk about Facebook issues with a more logical explanation in another post.

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So there it is, that's what I could come up with for now. I'm in the process of writing a separate post about how to tell me you are pregnant, because that one's a doozy, and it's already happened to me twice in the less than two weeks since B & I had to cancel our only shot at an IVF cycle this year. I hope this helps explain where I'm coming from a little better than that first post did, and I really really really hope I can look back on this post someday, when I too am getting ready to announce my own pregnancy, and I can use it to communicate with my infertile sisters with the grace and sensitivity I want from those around me right now.