My 32nd Birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday.  This day means many things to me.  It is a day I like to celebrate with my family, especially my mother who gave me life and who will always be my best friend.  It is a day of excitement and reflection.  A day to think about where I've been and who I've become, and a day to look ahead and dream about what the next year and phase of my life will bring.

It also means I'm another year closer to my mid-thirties and my fertility is decreasing.  I only have a solid three years or so left before I'm considered "old" for fertility standards.

It also marks exactly five years of infertility for B & I.  We went off the pill on my birthday in 2008, and after more than 1.5 years of unprotected sex and then another more than 3 years of actively TTC, here we are, still with no baby.

Five years of infertility.

If we are lucky, and the IVF works early next year, I'll still be 33 when our first chid is born.  If we want two, which is the minimum I'd ever planned, we'd have to start again soon after.  Will we have secondary infertility too?  How will we afford IVF again so soon after the first round?  If we wait one year until our first child is one year old, I'd be 34.  That's okay.  That's still before the dreaded "over 35" age-group.  And that's all only if this even works first-time around.  No.  There is now way we could afford it again so soon.  We'll need a new car for the baby first.  And we'll have to furnish the nursery and baby-proof the house.  And pay off the first IVF.  No, we'd have to wait at least two-years to try to pay for that again.  And what if it doesn't work the first time around?  Will we be able to try again right away? No, we'd have to wait a year to pay off something that didn't even work.  Would we only ever be able to afford one child then?  Maybe we better just plan to go all in and apply for one of those more expensive "shared risk" plans where you pay for two or three cycles at once at a discounted rate, and if you don't get a live baby in the end you get some or all the money back.  If we spend $20-30K we wouldn't be able to afford IVF for baby #2 for 5-7 years.  Maybe we'll have no choice but to be a one-child family no matter what we do!

If you can't already tell, I'm prone to catastrophe thinking.  But with so many unknowns, and with so much pressure from Mother Nature and Father Time, how can I not worry and speculate and try to make sure I consider every possible outcome so I can make more informed decisions in the here and now?

We started this whole journey (at least the actively TTC part) when I was 28 years old.  Now I'm 32.  The doctors used to get so excited by how young I was because it would make their jobs so easy.  Now I'm creeping closer and closer toward their usual patients' age.  The odds are falling further and further out of my favor.

Okay, let's try to swing this back around into something positive to focus on.  I mean, today is my birthday after all.  I can't spend the day moping or wallowing in self-pity.  No, let's do something empowering here.  How about a list of 32 things that are positive in my life right now, in honor of my 32nd birthday?

1. My husband, the love of my life, and partner in everything.
2. My big, supportive, caring and at times intrusive-in-a-good-way family, especially my Mom & siblings.
3. My quirky, loyal, entertaining, and comforting dogs.
4. My friends.  And I am blessed to have so many of them!  I still try to keep in touch with friends from my childhood and high school, and I'm best at seeing my girlfriends from college the most often, and some of my closest friends to this day are actually some I studied abroad with for a few short months over a decade ago.  Then there are new friends too.  Those I work with, or interact with professionally and even virtually.  They all support me and keep me active, engaged, and busy.
5. My beautiful home.  Sometimes I still can't believe it's really ours and wonder how we got to where we are here.
6. An amazing job that always stimulates my creative and intellectual sides.  Supports my needs and provides me with privileged opportunities.
7. My very own still fairly new-ish car, which I am very proud of to this day.
8. The travel opportunities I've been fortunate enough to have in the past couple of years, especially New Orleans, India, and Italy with my husband, and a "sisters" getaway cruise celebrating my middle sister's upcoming nuptials.
9. Speaking of sisters, I have the two best ones in the world.  I hope we never grow apart and that years only bring us closer.
10. And my brother.  He's always been there, ready to have a good time, offer thoughtful input, and receptive to advice from his three, bossy, older sisters.  I love him.
11. I know family in general was mentioned toward the top, but since I'm getting specific here anyway, I got to give a shout out to my mom.  I don't know where I'd be in my life without her, and I should reach out to her more than I do right now.  I let life and my head get in the way too much and time slips by so quickly.
12. Time to get small, petty, specific, and silly.  I mean this is going to be a list of 32 positive things in my life, right? So, no matter how ridiculous it feels to write about them, I really should mention all the little things that make me smile, feel happy, or satisfied, or loved.  So the first one on this portion of the list?  My wedding ring.  It's a symbol of the bond between my husband and I, and the love that we share, and everything we have been through and accomplished together.  I'm reminded of all this every time I look down at it on my finger.
13. My make-up station in the half-bath upstairs.  I've spent years perfecting my make-up routine, and now in my very own house I am slowly creating the perfect make-up application station.  Silly yes, but organization and space of my own makes me happy and peaceful.  So it makes the list.
14. The collection of costume and semi-precious jewelry I've acquired over years, and the organizational systems I've created to store them and make them more readily accessible to me.  Again, organization makes me happy.  And many of these pieces of jewelry hold memories of special moments with my husband, or family members, or fun adventures and travels.
15. My bathroom.  It's what sold this cute little old house to us.  It has heated floors, and a whirlpool tub, and a tiled shower with 4 shower heads spraying at you from every direction.  Oh, and it's huge, it used to be a fourth bedroom in this house before they renovated the main floor.
16. My backyard.  It's just lovely.  It's a place where my dogs get to explore and have a piece of nature and the outdoor world to consider their very own.  I love grilling with B back there and eating at our patio dining set.  It's so pleasant to discover new flowers and plants blooming back there, or just goof around with the dogs.
17. My wardrobe.  I'm not always happy with the way I look in it, but I am grateful that I have a good job that afforded me the opportunity to take advantage of some great sales after Christmas last year.  I am personally very happy to be able to start dressing more professionally, and I love the way all my new jewelry coordinates with the clothes I selected.
18. The long days of summer.  Now that I've travelled more, I'm beginning to learn that sunshine really lifts my spirits.  The longer days of sunlight really give me more energy  motivation, and hope.
19. Autumn.  Even though the days are becoming shorter, Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  I love the crispness in the air, the color of the leaves changing, the aromatic flavor of the foods associated with the season, and the coziness of snuggling under warm blankets and sweaters.
20. The holidays.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are the best.  They are all about family and love.  I've looked forward to them since I was little girl.
21. Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime, and the devices that bring them to us on the TV's in our home! B & I gave up cable 5-6 years ago, and these instant streaming applications allow us to stay connected to the world and catch up on popular culture.... all on our own time!  Our busy schedules don't allow us to watch live TV most of the time, so this has really brought a great deal of pleasure and entertainment to our lives.  This one seems so shallow, but it so true.  So so true.  And TV & movies offer me a chance to escape when everything else gets to be too much.  For 30 minutes to an hour or slightly longer I can leave this world and all my troubles and fears behind and think about another time or place and focus on people's troubles that aren't my own.  I value that right now, and I'm not ashamed of it.
22. Since I'm being shallow and going on about all my material goods, I must mention my iPhone.  That little device has changed my life, and I don't know how I ever functioned, found my way anywhere, or planned a schedule without it.
23. Photography.  I'm not a photographer.  Not even an amateur one.  But I've always enjoyed taking pictures, and scrapbooking first with special paper and scissors and then later with digital tools to create beautifully printed and bound books.  Now with my iPhone, I'm able take sharp pictures anywhere anytime, and then share them online via Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or store them with Picasa, or create products with them with Snapfish.  All the while, preserving the memories of life.
24. Genealogy, family pictures, heritage recipes, ancestry.com, and oral family histories and stories.  I am the historian in the family after all.
25. Science.  Specifically medical advancements and ART that provide opportunities for hope for families like mine and for the lucky ones, help make dreams come true.
26. Information.  And mediums that provide access to information about things like the science mentioned in number 25 above.  Mediums such as books, scholarly journals, blogs, the internet.  I have learned so much about infertility and my options for coping with and treating it, none of which would have been possible 100, 50, even 25 years ago.
27. Baby Names.  Just because I'm infertile and other people's pregnancy and birth announcements make me sad and frustrated, doesn't take away my life-long obsession with etymology.  I still read blogs and websites daily for new gems and the latest outrageous celebrity choices.
28. The color purple.  It's made me feel excited and peaceful all at once since I was three years old.  I love it in all its cool and warm shades and hues.  It makes me happy and I suspect it always will.
29. New perfumes.  My most recent bottles were Coach's "Love" which B gave to me this year on our 10-year-together anniversary, which happened to be on Valentine's Day.  How appropriate and perfect :)  For our 4-year anniversary, the traditional gift for which is "flowers or fruits," B gave me Coach's "Poppy" and it's light and playful.  Perfect for summer!  Isn't it amazing the way scent can change your mood, bring you confidence, or instantly remind you another time or place?
30. Rocking babies to sleep. I'm lucky that my mother does daycare in her home, so I often have the opportunity to hold or play with some babies if I can manage to get home early enough on a weekday to visit.  Otherwise, plenty of my friends have babies & even newborns.  I don't do it often, but when I do, it's still the sweetest thing in the world.  Always has been to me.  Now my arms ache because I don't have my own to hold yet. But in those brief moments when I'm holding someone else's child, all that washes away and I bask in the moment of innocence and new life.
31. Friends and strangers who offer words of advice, support, and just show that they are listening either by responding to blog posts, writing to check-in, or asking how I'm doing when we speak in person or on the phone.  It's not always easy for me to talk about, and sometimes they catch me off-guard, but in the end, it's always nice to be reminded that they care and they have been thinking about me.  Now, the Resolve support group has introduced me to a whole new medium for this kind of encouragement and validation.
32. This blog.  Sometimes it's an outlet, sometimes I feel shackled to it, sometimes it motivates me, other times I feel dragged down and overwhelmed by it and the feelings it forces me to face and express, but if it is nothing else, I think that it is valuable as a time capsule to help me sort out what is happening to me, how I am coping with it, and allows me to explore ways to take action and control of my life.  It can be empowering, inspiring, humbling, and a release, all at the same time.  I'm grateful for it, and am glad I started it and have stuck with it.  I don't know that I'll have it forever, but at this time in my life, it is an important tool for me.  And I need to take everything I can get right now.

And with that, I'm going to go out now and celebrate my birthday!

Thoughts on Mother’s Day

There are many good reasons to celebrate Mother’s Day—it can be a day to honor your own mother. One day out of the entire year to thank, honor and celebrate all the sacrifices women make for their families. It should be about love and families.

And there are a lot of good reasons that many do not like Mother's Day too—for me, Mother’s Day is hard because it is a day-long reminder that my husband and I have been struggling from infertility for over 4.5 years.  There are many others who share my sorrow today.  Just google infertility blogs, news, and websites to find many beautiful posts, articles, poems, advice and other information reminding society not to forget about the infertile on Mother's Day.

But it is not just childless infertile women who find mother’s day to be bitterly sad. What about all these other women who dread Mother’s Day?

• Anyone who has lost his or her mother? 
• Those who have lost a child? 
• Those who have not yet found the right partner to start their family with? 
• Those who are estranged from, or have difficult relationships with, their mothers or their children? 
• Those who have disabled children, who cannot make those sweet homemade cards, say “I love you,” or give loving hugs and kisses to their mommy? 
• Those women who struggled for years to create their families and even once they had children, still cannot forget the pain that this particular day used to make them feel. 

This day can be difficult for many women, and men too. To all of you who are struggling today, I want to tell you it is okay not to celebrate. It is okay to take care of yourself today. It is okay to treat today like any other day. It is also okay if you do want to celebrate, whether it be your mother, your children, your memories, or your own strength. Whatever you need to do today, it is okay. And you will be okay too. This day shall pass soon enough and everything will be okay tomorrow.

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day was a little bittersweet yesterday.  I wasn't too sad.  B and I just stayed home with the pups and took care of "us".  We had given my mom & grandma some gifts the weekend prior, and sent flowers to his mom and grandmothers.  We each called our mom's as well.  But other than that... and the hundreds of Facebook Status updates from others yesterday, there wasn't too much to remind us that it was supposed to be the worst day of the year for me.

It's funny, when you're in high school and college, there are always the girls who say that Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year for them.  They were eternally single of course.  But I never understood them.  Even when I was single on Valentine's Day, I thought of it as a day to celebrate love in general, and if you were not in a romantic loving relationship, then by golly celebrate the other loves in your life, your friends & family!

I kind of feel that way about Mother's Day too.  I was more focused on it being about our mom's than the fact that I want so desperately to be a mother myself.  I felt a little left out when all the acquaintances I am "friends" with on Facebook kept posting about how great it is to be a mother yesterday.  And I have to admit I get peeved every year when the dogs get B a Father's Day Card & Gift... yet they never get me anything for Mother's Day ;)

Other than that though, it was a pretty okay day.  One sensitive relative posted in her Facebook Status a comment not only for all the mothers, but also for those of us who are still waiting for our own little miracles.  That really touched me and I appreciated her thoughtfulness.

I read a great post on another infertility blog this morning about Mother's Day for Infertiles.  She included the ecard image I used above and also lists some great resources in the post that I highly recommend.  She also referred to a poem she had posted last year on Mother's Day that I thought was pretty good and am re-posting below.


Poem from another Infertility Blog: http://thepiferfamily.blogspot.com/


“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!