My 32nd Birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday.  This day means many things to me.  It is a day I like to celebrate with my family, especially my mother who gave me life and who will always be my best friend.  It is a day of excitement and reflection.  A day to think about where I've been and who I've become, and a day to look ahead and dream about what the next year and phase of my life will bring.

It also means I'm another year closer to my mid-thirties and my fertility is decreasing.  I only have a solid three years or so left before I'm considered "old" for fertility standards.

It also marks exactly five years of infertility for B & I.  We went off the pill on my birthday in 2008, and after more than 1.5 years of unprotected sex and then another more than 3 years of actively TTC, here we are, still with no baby.

Five years of infertility.

If we are lucky, and the IVF works early next year, I'll still be 33 when our first chid is born.  If we want two, which is the minimum I'd ever planned, we'd have to start again soon after.  Will we have secondary infertility too?  How will we afford IVF again so soon after the first round?  If we wait one year until our first child is one year old, I'd be 34.  That's okay.  That's still before the dreaded "over 35" age-group.  And that's all only if this even works first-time around.  No.  There is now way we could afford it again so soon.  We'll need a new car for the baby first.  And we'll have to furnish the nursery and baby-proof the house.  And pay off the first IVF.  No, we'd have to wait at least two-years to try to pay for that again.  And what if it doesn't work the first time around?  Will we be able to try again right away? No, we'd have to wait a year to pay off something that didn't even work.  Would we only ever be able to afford one child then?  Maybe we better just plan to go all in and apply for one of those more expensive "shared risk" plans where you pay for two or three cycles at once at a discounted rate, and if you don't get a live baby in the end you get some or all the money back.  If we spend $20-30K we wouldn't be able to afford IVF for baby #2 for 5-7 years.  Maybe we'll have no choice but to be a one-child family no matter what we do!

If you can't already tell, I'm prone to catastrophe thinking.  But with so many unknowns, and with so much pressure from Mother Nature and Father Time, how can I not worry and speculate and try to make sure I consider every possible outcome so I can make more informed decisions in the here and now?

We started this whole journey (at least the actively TTC part) when I was 28 years old.  Now I'm 32.  The doctors used to get so excited by how young I was because it would make their jobs so easy.  Now I'm creeping closer and closer toward their usual patients' age.  The odds are falling further and further out of my favor.

Okay, let's try to swing this back around into something positive to focus on.  I mean, today is my birthday after all.  I can't spend the day moping or wallowing in self-pity.  No, let's do something empowering here.  How about a list of 32 things that are positive in my life right now, in honor of my 32nd birthday?

1. My husband, the love of my life, and partner in everything.
2. My big, supportive, caring and at times intrusive-in-a-good-way family, especially my Mom & siblings.
3. My quirky, loyal, entertaining, and comforting dogs.
4. My friends.  And I am blessed to have so many of them!  I still try to keep in touch with friends from my childhood and high school, and I'm best at seeing my girlfriends from college the most often, and some of my closest friends to this day are actually some I studied abroad with for a few short months over a decade ago.  Then there are new friends too.  Those I work with, or interact with professionally and even virtually.  They all support me and keep me active, engaged, and busy.
5. My beautiful home.  Sometimes I still can't believe it's really ours and wonder how we got to where we are here.
6. An amazing job that always stimulates my creative and intellectual sides.  Supports my needs and provides me with privileged opportunities.
7. My very own still fairly new-ish car, which I am very proud of to this day.
8. The travel opportunities I've been fortunate enough to have in the past couple of years, especially New Orleans, India, and Italy with my husband, and a "sisters" getaway cruise celebrating my middle sister's upcoming nuptials.
9. Speaking of sisters, I have the two best ones in the world.  I hope we never grow apart and that years only bring us closer.
10. And my brother.  He's always been there, ready to have a good time, offer thoughtful input, and receptive to advice from his three, bossy, older sisters.  I love him.
11. I know family in general was mentioned toward the top, but since I'm getting specific here anyway, I got to give a shout out to my mom.  I don't know where I'd be in my life without her, and I should reach out to her more than I do right now.  I let life and my head get in the way too much and time slips by so quickly.
12. Time to get small, petty, specific, and silly.  I mean this is going to be a list of 32 positive things in my life, right? So, no matter how ridiculous it feels to write about them, I really should mention all the little things that make me smile, feel happy, or satisfied, or loved.  So the first one on this portion of the list?  My wedding ring.  It's a symbol of the bond between my husband and I, and the love that we share, and everything we have been through and accomplished together.  I'm reminded of all this every time I look down at it on my finger.
13. My make-up station in the half-bath upstairs.  I've spent years perfecting my make-up routine, and now in my very own house I am slowly creating the perfect make-up application station.  Silly yes, but organization and space of my own makes me happy and peaceful.  So it makes the list.
14. The collection of costume and semi-precious jewelry I've acquired over years, and the organizational systems I've created to store them and make them more readily accessible to me.  Again, organization makes me happy.  And many of these pieces of jewelry hold memories of special moments with my husband, or family members, or fun adventures and travels.
15. My bathroom.  It's what sold this cute little old house to us.  It has heated floors, and a whirlpool tub, and a tiled shower with 4 shower heads spraying at you from every direction.  Oh, and it's huge, it used to be a fourth bedroom in this house before they renovated the main floor.
16. My backyard.  It's just lovely.  It's a place where my dogs get to explore and have a piece of nature and the outdoor world to consider their very own.  I love grilling with B back there and eating at our patio dining set.  It's so pleasant to discover new flowers and plants blooming back there, or just goof around with the dogs.
17. My wardrobe.  I'm not always happy with the way I look in it, but I am grateful that I have a good job that afforded me the opportunity to take advantage of some great sales after Christmas last year.  I am personally very happy to be able to start dressing more professionally, and I love the way all my new jewelry coordinates with the clothes I selected.
18. The long days of summer.  Now that I've travelled more, I'm beginning to learn that sunshine really lifts my spirits.  The longer days of sunlight really give me more energy  motivation, and hope.
19. Autumn.  Even though the days are becoming shorter, Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  I love the crispness in the air, the color of the leaves changing, the aromatic flavor of the foods associated with the season, and the coziness of snuggling under warm blankets and sweaters.
20. The holidays.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are the best.  They are all about family and love.  I've looked forward to them since I was little girl.
21. Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime, and the devices that bring them to us on the TV's in our home! B & I gave up cable 5-6 years ago, and these instant streaming applications allow us to stay connected to the world and catch up on popular culture.... all on our own time!  Our busy schedules don't allow us to watch live TV most of the time, so this has really brought a great deal of pleasure and entertainment to our lives.  This one seems so shallow, but it so true.  So so true.  And TV & movies offer me a chance to escape when everything else gets to be too much.  For 30 minutes to an hour or slightly longer I can leave this world and all my troubles and fears behind and think about another time or place and focus on people's troubles that aren't my own.  I value that right now, and I'm not ashamed of it.
22. Since I'm being shallow and going on about all my material goods, I must mention my iPhone.  That little device has changed my life, and I don't know how I ever functioned, found my way anywhere, or planned a schedule without it.
23. Photography.  I'm not a photographer.  Not even an amateur one.  But I've always enjoyed taking pictures, and scrapbooking first with special paper and scissors and then later with digital tools to create beautifully printed and bound books.  Now with my iPhone, I'm able take sharp pictures anywhere anytime, and then share them online via Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or store them with Picasa, or create products with them with Snapfish.  All the while, preserving the memories of life.
24. Genealogy, family pictures, heritage recipes, ancestry.com, and oral family histories and stories.  I am the historian in the family after all.
25. Science.  Specifically medical advancements and ART that provide opportunities for hope for families like mine and for the lucky ones, help make dreams come true.
26. Information.  And mediums that provide access to information about things like the science mentioned in number 25 above.  Mediums such as books, scholarly journals, blogs, the internet.  I have learned so much about infertility and my options for coping with and treating it, none of which would have been possible 100, 50, even 25 years ago.
27. Baby Names.  Just because I'm infertile and other people's pregnancy and birth announcements make me sad and frustrated, doesn't take away my life-long obsession with etymology.  I still read blogs and websites daily for new gems and the latest outrageous celebrity choices.
28. The color purple.  It's made me feel excited and peaceful all at once since I was three years old.  I love it in all its cool and warm shades and hues.  It makes me happy and I suspect it always will.
29. New perfumes.  My most recent bottles were Coach's "Love" which B gave to me this year on our 10-year-together anniversary, which happened to be on Valentine's Day.  How appropriate and perfect :)  For our 4-year anniversary, the traditional gift for which is "flowers or fruits," B gave me Coach's "Poppy" and it's light and playful.  Perfect for summer!  Isn't it amazing the way scent can change your mood, bring you confidence, or instantly remind you another time or place?
30. Rocking babies to sleep. I'm lucky that my mother does daycare in her home, so I often have the opportunity to hold or play with some babies if I can manage to get home early enough on a weekday to visit.  Otherwise, plenty of my friends have babies & even newborns.  I don't do it often, but when I do, it's still the sweetest thing in the world.  Always has been to me.  Now my arms ache because I don't have my own to hold yet. But in those brief moments when I'm holding someone else's child, all that washes away and I bask in the moment of innocence and new life.
31. Friends and strangers who offer words of advice, support, and just show that they are listening either by responding to blog posts, writing to check-in, or asking how I'm doing when we speak in person or on the phone.  It's not always easy for me to talk about, and sometimes they catch me off-guard, but in the end, it's always nice to be reminded that they care and they have been thinking about me.  Now, the Resolve support group has introduced me to a whole new medium for this kind of encouragement and validation.
32. This blog.  Sometimes it's an outlet, sometimes I feel shackled to it, sometimes it motivates me, other times I feel dragged down and overwhelmed by it and the feelings it forces me to face and express, but if it is nothing else, I think that it is valuable as a time capsule to help me sort out what is happening to me, how I am coping with it, and allows me to explore ways to take action and control of my life.  It can be empowering, inspiring, humbling, and a release, all at the same time.  I'm grateful for it, and am glad I started it and have stuck with it.  I don't know that I'll have it forever, but at this time in my life, it is an important tool for me.  And I need to take everything I can get right now.

And with that, I'm going to go out now and celebrate my birthday!

Bitterness

I had other plans for what I wanted to blog about this month.  I wanted to go into the details about TCM and my new diet.  I have an appointment with an acupuncturist next week and thought this would all lead to a really upbeat month full of hope, a sense of being proactive, and a feeling of general optimism as I head toward the last quarter of 2013 and prepare for IVF as soon as we can pull everything together in 2014.

But instead I need to get something off my chest that's been nagging away at me.  For several months now, probably beginning back in June when B & I were travelling with friends (who have children, but this was an adults only trip), I've been getting more and more resentful, angry, and bitter about having to "buy" our potential children.

I've been getting so annoyed by the fact that we have to sacrifice and change our lifestyle so drastically, just to pay for the possibility of getting pregnant.  And don't tell me its just a drop in the bucket of what you'll be paying once you have kids.  That's not true because while you just have the normal expenses that come along with kids, I'll still be paying for my IF treatments for years after my first child is born, if I'm even so lucky as to get a live birth out of the whole endeavor.  Seriously, my first child would be in grade school before I've finished paying off their conception.

Which begs the question, how exactly, per se, am I supposed to be able to pay for daycare, and $500-$1000 a month in IF debt, and even begin to think about doing it all over again to try for a second child?  Seems impossible.  It's sounding more and more likely that B & I would be facing a future raising an only child if we don't knock it out of the park with twins on the first go-round.

I'm just so angry that I even have to think about these things!  The only thing holding B & I back from the family we are trying to achieve is money!  And it's holding us back so definitively that I'm leaning more and more toward exploring a child-free life choice.  I just don't know after all these years of bitter pain and sacrifice, if I could even enjoy a pregnancy that I had to pay so much for the way I once could have.  I don't know if B & I would be happy with the life we'd be bringing a baby into under those circumstances now.  I don't know if we'd be happy now, with the way it seems that things would play out.

A baby won't fix all of our problems, just our biggest problem, which is infertility, of course.  But this one big one extends its roots and creeps into all other aspects of our life.  It affects our finances, our home, our relationship, our sex-life our lifestyle, and all conversations about our future.  Maybe choosing to live child-free would eliminate the biggest problem, so that we could work on repairing all the smaller ones and live a simple, happy life together, like the one we had before we started TTC.

I don't know.

Would I regret this choice later?

Once we've solved some of our other smaller problems (mostly financial I'd say), would we then be left feeling that something was still missing?  Would our arms and hearts ache from the emptiness that a child was supposed to fill?

Maybe I don't have to write the whole thing off in order to feel better about things right now.  Maybe just putting IVF off for another year or two while we get other things more squared away would be a better compromise.  Maybe we should pull back and revisit all this in a year or two, while I'm still young enough to have good odds of success.  Before that dreaded 35th birthday...

Then again, maybe I'm just stressed right now, and have been living off the "vacation-high" all summer where the world's grass seems greener on the other side.  Maybe next month, or next week, or next year I'll feel differently and be ready for IVF as soon as possible again.  A cousin once told me that IF is a roller-coaster of emotions.  Geesh, she wasn't kidding!

Egg Sharing Program - Would you do it?

Denise Everett-Keene is able to see exactly when the sperm connects with the eggs through this monitor in a lab at The Hugh Wynter Fertility Management Unit at the University Hospital of the West Indies in Mona, St Andrew.

Read more: http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/news/UHWI--baby-factory--gets--700-m-expansion_11455333#ixzz1vcQj7NPq

I read this article about a week ago which mentions a clinic in Jamaica that offers an "egg sharing program" that is in such high demand that they are expanding their clinic.  The egg sharing program "allows older couples who are having difficulty conceiving, to receive healthy eggs from younger couples who are in need of fertility procedures, in exchange for their footing the bill for the donor couple's treatments."


I instantly got excited and wished that B & I could do it.  Well, I suppose there is nothing stopping us from looking into it, but I instantly wondered if it was that safe to do this there rather than in the U.S.  I started wishing that I could find such a program in the U.S.  But then I suppose it would become political and people would get all up in arms about.  


I've read recently about Indian surrogacy and how many people think that Western couples are exploiting poor Indian women.  But there is another side to that argument.  Some say that these women are getting money they desperately need for the their families and helping to share the joy of parenthood with another couple who needs help.

Couldn't this egg sharing program be seen the exact same way (on both sides of the argument)?

Then I started wondering, would I want a child of mine being raised by someone else?  What if the other couple's procedure worked with my egg, but mine & B's did not.  Then they'd have my child and I wouldn't.  Could I live with that?

Then I came across an article about egg donation: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/14/infertility-egg-freezing_n_1515792.html, and remembered that a lot of young women donate their eggs as a way to earn money in college.

I started thinking, what if I donated eggs a few times to earn enough money to do IVF in a few years?  Then I wouldn't have to worry about the risk of the other people getting pregnant with my eggs while I do not (like I might in a shared egg program).  And, I'd be helping another family struggling from the same hardships that B & I have been going through.

These programs prefer proven fertility, but it is not required.  And from what we can tell, our issues are probably male factor infertility (I have a clean bill of health on every infertility test I've ever had).  The programs do have an age limit though, so I'd have to hurry if I want to do it.  And I think they require a lower BMI, but I've kicked started a new effort to shed the extra lbs already. So maybe this could be an option for us in a year or so if we are not pregnant naturally (meaning B's surgery would have been successful!).

When I mentioned it to B, his first concern was that if I take all those hormones and give up all those eggs, it might jeopardize my fertility for us in the future.  Valid concern.  And since I'm 30 now, my eggs and time are both dwindling.

A shared program would probably combat that issue if could donate some of my eggs during the same cycle that we are using the rest to do IVF.  But do we have to go to Jamaica to do it then?  Maybe some more research in a year or two would be a good idea.  

Best to focus on the results of B's surgery for now and hope that we get pregnant naturally I suppose.  But I can't help but worry that time is running out for me if we need to consider other options.  I'm such a planner (and a worrier) and want to be prepared.  I don't want to look back and wish "if only we had...."

So now I'm wondering, how many others out there, who either are now or have in the past experienced infertility would consider something like this?  Either an egg sharing program or a few cycles of egg donation to earn money toward their own ART expenses?

I feel like I should explain something

We haven't announced anything officially yet (like on FB), but B and are in the process of buying our first house together.  Actually, it's this house, the one in the photo above!


We put in on offer at the end of March, and it was accepted the next day despite two other competing offers!  The night before B's surgery in early April we had our inspection, which went extremely well.  We did radon testing in the basement and the levels came back .1 higher than the safe level, so we spent a week or two negotiating back and forth and in the end, they agreed to split the cost of installing a certified mitigation system, which we will roll into our closing costs.


We meet with our mortgage lender later this week to finalize the paperwork and settle on a closing date, but we already put in notice with our landlord that we'd be starting to move out by July 1st at the latest.  We're keeping the apartment through July so we can take our time moving in, but for all intensive purposes, we hope/plan to be moving in to our new home around the end of June!


So...the reason why I feel like I have something to explain has to do with money.  I've spent four months blogging about the cost of infertility and talking about how hard it was to walk away from our planned IVF cycle because of the ballooning costs of it all... and here we are buying a house only a few months later... out of nowhere.


You see, B and I had planned to figure out the baby stuff first, then get safer cars, hopefully take another trip to Europe for his 40th birthday next year, and when all that was figured out, then start saving for a house - someday.  The house thing was on the ten year plan, not the two month plan.


So what happened?


The IVF saga happened.


If you'll remember, we pressured ourselves into trying to afford IVF before we had planned for it and way before we were financially ready.  Because of a misprint on a health insurance partner's website, they were willing to honor a severely discounted rate for me... but I only had a couple months to get it done.  Well, we hadn't thought we'd resort to IVF until we'd exhausted all other options, in two to three years maybe, but certainly not anytime soon.  


But when a chance in a lifetime like this comes around to get such a cheap rate on such an expensive procedure with such a better chance of helping us realize our dream of having a baby, well, we couldn't pass it up.  We had to try to take advantage of the situation.  So we spent the months of October, November, December and the beginning of January scrambling to beg, borrow, and steal the money we'd need to bring to the table for this discounted IVF procedure.


By January we had a weekend-long discussion about whether we could really do it.  No, actually it was whether we really wanted to.  We'd had to take out a persona loan of $7500 to cover the amount we'd be using from our FSA Health Spending Account because they only pay for medical procedures after the fact, not before.  We were planning to max out both of our credit cards to cover the cost of the medications we'd need.  We wiped out our savings on previous test & procedures and were living paycheck to paycheck.  It was a bad idea and it was all too much.  And none of it was a sure thing.  There was a very high chance that the meds would be even more expensive if my body didn't respond the way it should, or there could be other complications... and of course there was a 50/50 chance it wouldn't work anyway and then we'd have all that debt and nothing to show for it.


So we made the decision not to go through with it.  And then something kind of miraculous happened.  The Monday after we decided not to do the IVF, B's HR lady at work told him that the company hadn't processed the FSA Health Spending Account information yet for the year, and asked if he was sure he really wanted to have that much taken out of his paychecks...


He lowered it down to the cost of one IUI (about $1300) and had her cancel the rest.  Now we were really digging ourselves back out of the hole that the IVF drama had created!


We talked about paying off that personal loan of $7500 with itself too be rid that too.  Only we decided to wait and do our taxes first because last year we'd had to pay in $2000 and we might need it to pay our tax bill again this year (we'd pay off the rest with what was left and just pay off the remaining $2000 in about 4-6 months).


Turned out we owed money again.  $1300 this time.  Huh, just realized that's the cost of an IUI cycle.  Ironic.


Anyway, we were so mad at our lot in life.  We are two working individuals without a house or kids so of course our tax bill will be high.  Thing is, WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT LACK OF KIDS THING!  Ugh.


So the thought occurred to us, if we have no control right now over the kids thing... why not buy a house?  Thats something we can do to help lower our tax bill next year.  And it's still a buyer's market, with historically low interest rates.  Seemed like now was the perfect time to make this investment...


Plus, in the back of my mind, there were actually some fertility related issues to consider as well.  If we do have to do IVF down the road (if B's surgery wasn't enough for us...), at least the whole "saving up for a downpayment on a house" thing wouldn't be getting in the way of saving for IVF.  And if for ANY reason we wound up adopting, I'd think having a home for the child could only help us.  And finally, and this one is probably the least important but stuck with/stung me the most: a certain family member who shall remain nameless made the comment in a long list of reasons why should not do IVF (during that bitter weekend when we were ultimately deciding on our own not to go through with it anyway), that we should concentrate now on "creating a life for a child" and that the child would just come after we took care of that.  


Completely ignorant and insensitive.


This person wanted us to work on taking care of ourselves first, buy a newer & safer car for B, and buy a house. Then, and only then, think about a child.  This person didn't understand that time is ticking against us on that last milestone and that it won't magically (or through karma or whatever) happen just because we've got all our other ducks in a row.  But anyway, in the back of my mind I kept thinking throughout all this house-hunting stuff that at least this person can't make any more comments about "creating a life for a child" if we have to/choose to do IVF later.  And really, we probably won't be discussing our plans with this person anyway.


So, we chose to use that money from the personal loan to put down a downpayment on a FHA loan!  We'll be able to pay it off very quickly, and once that's gone our mortgage will be much less then our current rent, so we'll be saving money every month on top of the tax break we hope to get next year!  All money that can be saved up for other important things to consider in our future ;)


In the end, it really feels like everything happened the way it did because it was supposed too.  None of this house business would have ever been possible without all that IVF crap.  It's a very bright silver lining.  And now, not only has it all distracted me from my sadness and depression from our infertility, it is also lending me nothing but hope & opportunities to think about for a long time to come.  This kind of positivity is EXACTLY what I needed right now.  This all couldn't have happened at a better time.


We've been working through a non-profit agency that does mortgage counseling which I receive free access to as a benefit through my work.  This company has been amazing and helped us to find special loan programs out there in our city, which we couldn't have found on our own.  They also helped us find our AMAZING realtor too.  The whole process could not have been more positive.


And so between the meetings with this non-profit, our realtor, house hunting, putting in offers and counter offers, dealing with inspectors and negotiations, we've had a very busy Spring this year!  Now we are just waiting for things to be finalized and can't wait to move in around the beginning of July... 


July.


That's when we find out if B's surgery improved things for us and we can start trying for a baby again.  I think between the busyness of planning the packing, the move, the cleaning & unpacking, the decorating, and the house-warming parties... we won't really have much time for dwelling on the TTC process again for a quite some time.  But we'll be able to enjoy our summer knowing that we have nothing to think about but hope and possibility for a while:)


July.


I can't wait for July!

Today I came across this petition on another infertile's blog that would require ALL states to provide coverage for infertility testing and treatment. 

Anyone that knows anyone who has gone through any sort of infertility treatment understands that it's exorbitantly expensive and most states don't require health insurance to cover treatments, making it nearly impossible for some couples (like us) to achieve their dreams of a family. 

We are lucky because ours DID cover diagnostic testing, but once we'd done all we could with that (and still had no definite answers), insurance wouldn't pay for any treatments that could have helped us TTC.
I think justice would be BEYOND served if every single state was REQUIRED to cover treatments.  It is a medical condition, just as anything else.  And yet people can get Viagra covered but not infertility treatments.

So, PLEASE take just a minute and sign the petition!  "We" need 25,000 signatures by March 30, 2012!!

I thank you in advance, and please share widely!!

SIGN HERE!! 

Varicocele Surgery: What are the success rates?

Varicoceles are identified in 35% to 40% of men with primary infertility and 81% of men with secondary infertility.  The majority of available evidence favors the surgical treatment of clinical varicoceles in men with infertility, which is thought to halt their duration-dependent effects.

Varicocele repair surgery can result in a significant improvement in semen parameters in 60% to 70% of men, with natural pregnancy rates up to 50%.  Men with larger varicoceles tend to have poorer semen quality than those with smaller varicoceles, and tend to have greater improvement with repair surgery.

Overall, a significant percentage of couples who undergo varicocele repair surgery will go on to achieve pregnancy without ART, and those who do need ART will have optimized their sperm quality.

It takes 90 days (3 months) for the male body to generate new sperm, so no improvements will be seen for 3 months following the surgery, with best results occurring in the first year, and some even into the second year following the surgery.

How this relates to us:

Since B and I have scheduled the surgery for the first week of April, that put our TTC routine on hold until around the week of the 4th of July.  Some things I've read online claim that better results are seen after 6 months, so that will put us at October before we'd really have our hopes up.  If it doesn't happen by the end of the year (trying naturally), then I think we'd be ready to allocate some money into our flex spending account for 2013 to try a few more rounds of IUI next year.

If trying naturally and with IUI's through 2013 doesn't work for us, then the next step would hopefully be saving up for IVF in 2014 or beyond.  I'll be 32, turning 33 by then, so our odds of successful IVF will still be high, but we'd only have a couple of years to get it done before my fertility starts falling.  

But seriously, IVF? The idea of saving up $13,000 for one round of fresh IVF cycle seems plausible by then... but what if that doesn't work what would we do?  With the plan described above, IVF is obviously our last resort.  

We could try to save up for the "shared risk" programs out there, where you pay $20,000 to $26,000 for 3 rounds of fresh and 3 rounds of frozen, and if it doesn't work, you get some or most of your money back.  But where would we come up with that kind of cash?  It would take longer, and then again my fertility will just decline further the longer we wait.

I wish I had a crystal ball.  I'd love to know that I'm just "catastrophe" thinking right now and we'll be pregnant naturally this summer.  Or that one round of IVF will get us twins and we'll be done.  Or that nothing will work but a 3rd frozen IVF cycle and so I should not bother getting my hopes up with anything else along the way.

Also, I wish we'd win the lottery.  That would solve a lot of our problems.

Have you seen Texas Multi Mamas yet?

Monday night, after my marathon of watching Teen Mom 2, I finally turned the channel and found this new show on WE channel.  It's called Texas Multi Mamas (I think it was only a coincidence that I happened to be in Texas when I found the show!).


I watched it as I fell asleep, so I didn't pay attention to much of it, but I couldn't help but wonder if these were all former infertiles, who'd undergone ART treatments, and were now living "life after infertility."


Well, duh, of course they are!  Natural twins, sure, but probably not triplets and certainly not quadruplets.


I Googled the show and found an article talking about the show in general: http://www.scntx.com/articles/2011/12/27/news_update/8860.txt.  Seems really interesting, actually.  Kind of like a window into what the future could potentially look like if we end up doing IVF some day.  


B and I were going to transfer two embies.  If it were up to us, we were willing to transfer up to three, but our RE said that only increases our chances of multiples, not of a pregnancy.  So we agreed to transfer two.  I'm sure being a MOM (Mom of Multiples) isn't easy, but I'd relish the opportunity to meet that challenge if it meant I got to be a mom.  Besides, I'm the oldest of four children and grew up with my own mom doing daycare in our home.  I've even spent a summer doing daycare for her by myself while she was ill and bedridden.  So yes, I think if anyone can be a great MOM, it's me.  But at the rate we're going, we feel that we'll be lucky now if we ever even get to have one child.


After a little more internet searching, I did come across one article that talks about one of the women's struggle with infertility: http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/mixmaster/2011/12/texas_multi-mama_teryn_todd_on.php.  This was  really interesting to me too, since she has been where I am right now.  Her successes gave me hope, but also warned me that it might be wisest for us to wait to do IVF until we can afford multiple cycles, since it doesn't work the first time for many couples.  


Most clinics have some kind of "deal" where you pay more ($26,000 at our clinic), but get 3 fresh and 3 frozen cylces, and if you don't get a live birth, you get most or all of your money back.  The risk of course is if you get pregnant right away the first time, there is no refund for all the extra money you spent.  Seems like it might be a better deal then I originally thought though now.