Today is our fourth wedding anniversary. It marks the 3-year point of our TTC journey.
Something that I find even more shocking, is that I just realized that this day also marks over 5 1/2 years of suffering from infertility... even if we didn't realize it until we were a couple years into it. But it's the number our doctors really care about.
You see, we went off of birth control due to other health-related issues for me in September 2008. That was nine months before our June 2009 wedding. We tried to be careful *most* months, using condoms or abstaining when we thought I might be ovulating, but back then I didn't keep a calendar or chart temps or anything. And some months we honestly didn't care and went for it anyway. Back then we thought we were lucky that we didn't have any oopsies before our wedding.
Beginning on our honeymoon, we decided we wouldn't start "trying" yet, but we also wouldn't try to prevent. So we just did whatever we wanted and let whatever happened happen. A year went by as I finished up grad school and again, we figured we must have just been lucky, since we still had not gotten pregnant before we were completely ready.
Where the three-year-mark begins:
By our first wedding anniversary, in June 2010, I had graduated from grad school, was interviewing for my first real professional job, and we knew the time was finally right. We'd been together for seven years, been through a lot of milestones together, and everything had finally fallen into place for us. We were officially ready for the next step, we were going to start our family! Although even then, I distinctly remember B voicing a faint concern that was beginning to creep into his mind.... why hadn't we gotten pregnant by "accident" yet? We hoped nothing was actually wrong and we really were "just lucky."
I remember being so excited, I started buying all kinds of books about what to expect before you're expecting, I downloaded an app for my smartphone to track my cycle, I even bought ovulation kits and pregnancy test kits. I think I also bought my first basal body temperature thermometer at this time, having heard you were supposed to chart your temp but at the time not fully understanding why.
Nearly six months passed, and we were still not pregnant. I needed to have my yearly exam anyway, so I figured I'd ask what steps should be taken to get us checked out just in case, since several of my friends and acquaintances had been suffering from various forms of infertility.
My OBGYN recommended we start with B getting tested first. In January of 2011 he did and we got our first analysis with low numbers. We tested again in April, same. I started getting all my tests done, everything checked out until the HSG... those results came back with a blockage.
We got a second opinion with a urologist specializing in male infertility. He did a special test on B's sample to check for sperm defragmentation. Like all his other counts, they came back on the low-end of the normal range. That cost us $400 out of pocket.
The new doc wanted me to get a second HSG, I did in July and they were able to break through the block this time. He suggested we give it a couple months. Nothing. In October we did our first IUI. It didn't work. We wasted $1300 this time.
Our doctor recommended another IUI, I read on my health insurance website that we could get IVF for $5000 down in Illinois, and a friend's sister was able to gather free meds for me. We thought we'd go for it, rather than doing a few rounds of IUI which would add up to the same amount quickly anyway. You can read about what happened with that here.
When we decided not to do IVF in January 2012, we decided to do one more IUI in case B's counts improved at all post-wash this time. In February we did an IUI cycle, but B's post-wash count came back so low this time, they couldn't even in good faith recommend we proceed with the procedure. $900 wasted.
The urologist suggested varicocele repair surgery to see if it improved B's counts. He agreed to the procedure and went under the knife in April 2012. His counts did not significantly improve by the three or nine month marks post-surgery. At least our health insurance covered this one.
Here we are, over a year past his surgery, and exactly three years past our official TTC date, and well over five & a half years of unprotected sex and still no baby. Still no hope for improving our situation naturally. Just waiting. Planning for IVF next year. Sitting alone together in the empty house we bought last year with plenty of room to grow our family.
But at least we are together. And this is our four-year wedding anniversary. We do have a lot to celebrate today, and we will. But I just wanted to take these few minutes first to pay respect to everything we have been through together the last 3-5 years. The strength it has taken for us to face these difficulties is something to be honored and celebrated too. So today, we really do have a lot to celebrate. And hopefully next year at this time, we will have even more to celebrate and plan for, especially if the IVF early in 2014 works and we have the baby of our dreams on the way :)
We haven't announced anything officially yet (like on FB), but B and are in the process of buying our first house together. Actually, it's this house, the one in the photo above!
We put in on offer at the end of March, and it was accepted the next day despite two other competing offers! The night before B's surgery in early April we had our inspection, which went extremely well. We did radon testing in the basement and the levels came back .1 higher than the safe level, so we spent a week or two negotiating back and forth and in the end, they agreed to split the cost of installing a certified mitigation system, which we will roll into our closing costs.
We meet with our mortgage lender later this week to finalize the paperwork and settle on a closing date, but we already put in notice with our landlord that we'd be starting to move out by July 1st at the latest. We're keeping the apartment through July so we can take our time moving in, but for all intensive purposes, we hope/plan to be moving in to our new home around the end of June!
So...the reason why I feel like I have something to explain has to do with money. I've spent four months blogging about the cost of infertility and talking about how hard it was to walk away from our planned IVF cycle because of the ballooning costs of it all... and here we are buying a house only a few months later... out of nowhere.
You see, B and I had planned to figure out the baby stuff first, then get safer cars, hopefully take another trip to Europe for his 40th birthday next year, and when all that was figured out, then start saving for a house - someday. The house thing was on the ten year plan, not the two month plan.
So what happened?
The IVF saga happened.
If you'll remember, we pressured ourselves into trying to afford IVF before we had planned for it and way before we were financially ready. Because of a misprint on a health insurance partner's website, they were willing to honor a severely discounted rate for me... but I only had a couple months to get it done. Well, we hadn't thought we'd resort to IVF until we'd exhausted all other options, in two to three years maybe, but certainly not anytime soon.
But when a chance in a lifetime like this comes around to get such a cheap rate on such an expensive procedure with such a better chance of helping us realize our dream of having a baby, well, we couldn't pass it up. We had to try to take advantage of the situation. So we spent the months of October, November, December and the beginning of January scrambling to beg, borrow, and steal the money we'd need to bring to the table for this discounted IVF procedure.
By January we had a weekend-long discussion about whether we could really do it. No, actually it was whether we really wanted to. We'd had to take out a persona loan of $7500 to cover the amount we'd be using from our FSA Health Spending Account because they only pay for medical procedures after the fact, not before. We were planning to max out both of our credit cards to cover the cost of the medications we'd need. We wiped out our savings on previous test & procedures and were living paycheck to paycheck. It was a bad idea and it was all too much. And none of it was a sure thing. There was a very high chance that the meds would be even more expensive if my body didn't respond the way it should, or there could be other complications... and of course there was a 50/50 chance it wouldn't work anyway and then we'd have all that debt and nothing to show for it.
So we made the decision not to go through with it. And then something kind of miraculous happened. The Monday after we decided not to do the IVF, B's HR lady at work told him that the company hadn't processed the FSA Health Spending Account information yet for the year, and asked if he was sure he really wanted to have that much taken out of his paychecks...
He lowered it down to the cost of one IUI (about $1300) and had her cancel the rest. Now we were really digging ourselves back out of the hole that the IVF drama had created!
We talked about paying off that personal loan of $7500 with itself too be rid that too. Only we decided to wait and do our taxes first because last year we'd had to pay in $2000 and we might need it to pay our tax bill again this year (we'd pay off the rest with what was left and just pay off the remaining $2000 in about 4-6 months).
Turned out we owed money again. $1300 this time. Huh, just realized that's the cost of an IUI cycle. Ironic.
Anyway, we were so mad at our lot in life. We are two working individuals without a house or kids so of course our tax bill will be high. Thing is, WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT LACK OF KIDS THING! Ugh.
So the thought occurred to us, if we have no control right now over the kids thing... why not buy a house? Thats something we can do to help lower our tax bill next year. And it's still a buyer's market, with historically low interest rates. Seemed like now was the perfect time to make this investment...
Plus, in the back of my mind, there were actually some fertility related issues to consider as well. If we do have to do IVF down the road (if B's surgery wasn't enough for us...), at least the whole "saving up for a downpayment on a house" thing wouldn't be getting in the way of saving for IVF. And if for ANY reason we wound up adopting, I'd think having a home for the child could only help us. And finally, and this one is probably the least important but stuck with/stung me the most: a certain family member who shall remain nameless made the comment in a long list of reasons why should not do IVF (during that bitter weekend when we were ultimately deciding on our own not to go through with it anyway), that we should concentrate now on "creating a life for a child" and that the child would just come after we took care of that.
Completely ignorant and insensitive.
This person wanted us to work on taking care of ourselves first, buy a newer & safer car for B, and buy a house. Then, and only then, think about a child. This person didn't understand that time is ticking against us on that last milestone and that it won't magically (or through karma or whatever) happen just because we've got all our other ducks in a row. But anyway, in the back of my mind I kept thinking throughout all this house-hunting stuff that at least this person can't make any more comments about "creating a life for a child" if we have to/choose to do IVF later. And really, we probably won't be discussing our plans with this person anyway.
So, we chose to use that money from the personal loan to put down a downpayment on a FHA loan! We'll be able to pay it off very quickly, and once that's gone our mortgage will be much less then our current rent, so we'll be saving money every month on top of the tax break we hope to get next year! All money that can be saved up for other important things to consider in our future ;)
In the end, it really feels like everything happened the way it did because it was supposed too. None of this house business would have ever been possible without all that IVF crap. It's a very bright silver lining. And now, not only has it all distracted me from my sadness and depression from our infertility, it is also lending me nothing but hope & opportunities to think about for a long time to come. This kind of positivity is EXACTLY what I needed right now. This all couldn't have happened at a better time.
We've been working through a non-profit agency that does mortgage counseling which I receive free access to as a benefit through my work. This company has been amazing and helped us to find special loan programs out there in our city, which we couldn't have found on our own. They also helped us find our AMAZING realtor too. The whole process could not have been more positive.
And so between the meetings with this non-profit, our realtor, house hunting, putting in offers and counter offers, dealing with inspectors and negotiations, we've had a very busy Spring this year! Now we are just waiting for things to be finalized and can't wait to move in around the beginning of July...
July.
That's when we find out if B's surgery improved things for us and we can start trying for a baby again. I think between the busyness of planning the packing, the move, the cleaning & unpacking, the decorating, and the house-warming parties... we won't really have much time for dwelling on the TTC process again for a quite some time. But we'll be able to enjoy our summer knowing that we have nothing to think about but hope and possibility for a while:)
July.
I can't wait for July!
OK, so back in March, I wrote a post claiming that a "change" had occurred. You can read the original post here: http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/2012/03/change-has-taken-place.html, but the point of it was that I was trying to say that I wasn't so sad all the time about my & B's struggle with infertility anymore. I was even trying to come up with justifications for the idea that it might be better to live "child-free."
So, the truth is, I don't think anything was changing inside of me, and I don't think I'm ready to accept the idea of a child-free future at all. You see, five days after I wrote that post, one of my best friends emailed me to tell me that she is pregnant again - with her second child. So she'll have two kids, ages two and under, before B and I are able to conceive our first.
I wept.
I couldn't help it. I wasn't upset with her of course, I was just sad for myself. You see, when this friend announced she was pregnant with her first child, B and I had not been preventing pregnancy for a while, but we had not yet decided to "try" for a baby yet either.
A couple months after she announced her first pregnancy, B's and my one-year wedding anniversary rolled around and I graduated from grad school with my second master's degree. It was finally time for my life long dream to come true. We started trying for a baby.
By the time my friend's first child was born that Fall, she asked if I had "the itch" yet. I told her I've had the itch since I was about twelve, and that B and I had been trying and were just waiting for that special month to arrive when we'd have the good news we'd been waiting for!
Of course, in the back of our minds, B and I were already wondering if something was not quite right. We'd only been "trying" for three or four months at that point, but before that we'd not been preventing for a year, ever since the wedding. And I'd been off of birth control for medical reasons for about eight months prior to that... with many months of not being careful. So really, we wondered, why hadn't we gotten pregnant yet? Just lucky we hoped...
For months after my friend's baby was born I'd spend several days a week visiting her and her baby. It was great timing because I was finally done with grad school, in my first real job, and finally had free time like a normal person! Plus, I was able to get the baby fix I needed on a regular basis. Her child was the most beautiful being. She was such a good baby, and to this day lights up my world every time I see her. The best way to describe her is as a perfect little blessing. And now, as she is getting older, it is such a delight to see her growing and learning.
So anyway, I spent a great deal of time with this friend right before and ever since the birth of her first baby. She was such a considerate and thoughtful friend and always asked me how things were going with our own baby making efforts every single month. Somehow she'd always ironically call on the the day I'd gotten my period. Oh well, I'd joke, another month of drinking and banking sick time at work for my eventual maternity leave!
By midwinter that year, B & I still were not pregnant and we really started to wonder if there was something bigger going on that we should know about. For young healthy couples they usually say to wait for a year of unprotected sex before testing for infertility. But since we'd already been having unprotected sex for over two years (though we'd only been actively trying to time things out for about 6 months), B started getting tested... just in case.
It's best to get the male tested first because it's much less invasive than the female infertility workup. It's best to rule out male factor infertility first, before you begin poking and prodding the female partner. In January of 2011, we got our first analysis results back showing that B could potentially have low counts. But it was January, and we are in the upper-midwest, and he'd done it at home, taken it outside to drive to the clinic, and delivered it to them about half an hour later. We decided that there were too many variables and we'd get a second opinion.
In April that year we went to the only urologist in the area that specializes in male factor infertility - Dr. J. B's sample came back slightly better this time, but still just on the cusp of the border between the range of what's "normal" and what's a problem. We had another sample sent away to a lab out west somewhere... the only one in the country that tests for DNA fragmentation to see if that was our problem. Again, he was right on the border between normal and the problem zone.
All this meant that B's swimmers could be the reason we hadn't conceived yet, but the evidence wasn't conclusive. Dr. J did notice that B had varicoceles which could be causing his lower counts, but even that wasn't conclusive as many men get them who don't suffer from infertility. He suggested we keep trying for 4-6 months and if we had no luck, try an IUI, which should give this counts the little extra boost they needed. So we started up all the female infertility tests on me in the meantime (just to be sure there wasn't anything additional on my end to worry about while we were trying naturally), which continued throughout the summer.
We were still hopeful that there was nothing wrong, but as each month went by with one negative pregnancy test result after another, eventually my friend stopped asking if this was finally the month. Instead she started asking how the testing was going and if we knew anything new that could help us.
That summer we did learn that I had a blocked fallopian tube, which sent me into a panic at first, until my OBGYN reminded me that I should still have a 50% chance of getting pregnant because most women ovulate from each side every other month. Anyway, they were able to go back in and open it up and it's been open now for 10 months and guess what? Still no pregnancies.
Anyway, I've blogged before about all the testing and IUI's and it all ended with B having varicocele repair surgery last month. Since it takes a man 90 days to produce new sperm, we are now in a waiting period. We can't test to find out if the surgery improved B's counts until July, so no thoughts of trying for a baby until then.
Apparently, a good percentage of men who undergo this surgery see improvement after those 3 months! Of those that don't, many of them will see improvement within about 6 months. Of those that are left, some will have improvement within a year, and a few within two years after the surgery.
So, we're hopeful about July, but shouldn't get our hopes up too high. Or, maybe a better way to think about it is that we shouldn't lose all hope if the counts don't improve because there may still be a chance for things to get better down the road with a little more time.
So that's where we are at with the whole TTC thing, and that's the update (for now) on what we know about how B's surgery went.
But what does any of this have to do with my friend telling me she's pregnant and/or me saying things haven't changed so much after all?
Well, my point is that this friend telling me she was pregnant again kind of burst my bubble. It brought back all the happy hopeful memories of when B and I first started out on our journey toward parenthood. It reminded me of times when friends having babies was just exciting, not bittersweet. But it also reminded me how long we've been TTC. It reminded me of where we started out and all that has happened along the way to bring us to where we are today.
It made me think about the fact that she'll be done having kids before I even start. Any of our hopes to be pregnant together were thrown out the window. It made me wonder what it will be like to be going through the baby phase once all my friends are done with it and reclaiming their bodies, sleep, and free-time. It made me think that once again I was behind all my peers in "life" (committing to a serious boyfriend, getting engaged, finishing school, buying a house), but this time not by my own choosing, and it made me feel sorry for myself.
I know I had written that wonderfully optimistic post about how something had "changed" inside of me and that somehow now other people's pregnancies weren't bothering me as much. I do think that is still true, but not because something inside me changed. And to be honest, my friend's being pregnant didn't "bother" me. The reason it made me cry is not because she is pregnant again (because of course I'm very happy for her, and told her that immediately...and honestly truly meant it), but because it triggered emotions about myself that I hadn't been feeling for a couple months. But again, not because anything had profoundly changed inside me to make me feel differently. Rather, I think I was just distracted.
Distracted by B's impending surgery. Distracted by work. Distracted by the warmer weather and exercising the dogs. Distracted by the biggest financial decision that B and I have ever made together....
Distracted by the process of buying our first house!
Stay tuned for more to come on that soon :)
Babies. Man, they are EVERYWHERE! They are inescapable, even at academic and professional conferences.
Last week, at an academic conference for faculty, instructors, and university administrators, sure enough, there was a professor there with her toddler and nanny, all eating breakfast together like one happy family. Granted, this professor was older, having already been tenured and teaching in the field for 15 years or so, but still, she brought her kid to the conference. I wonder if she struggled with infertility at all, being that she is older with such a young child? It's kind of sick how I feel like I'm always on the search for secret infertility stories now. It's like I'm trying to find others, anyone, who is like me. Like I'm looking for "my people" or like I'm part of some kind of club that nobody wants to be a member of.
Now I'm at a professional conference, for working practitioners. Watch out! Everywhere you turn there is a huge pregnant belly about to swing around and hit you. There is a woman breast feeding her child over here, another pushing a stroller over there, and if you look over in the dining area there is a woman changing her baby's diaper on the table... without a changing pad... ewwwwwe!
And that's just among my peers. There was a screaming kid across from me on the plain down here. He was probably about three. He screamed and kicked and cried and what did his mother do? She put her head down with her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, over and over again! Geez, if you are going to travel with your kid, exercise some discipline people! This woman had no business travelling with her son if she can't be the parent and handle his tantrums. When he'd quiet down for a bit, she'd ask if he wanted to go get ice cream when they got off the plain? Not as a tactic to bribe him to be quiet, but just to change the subject! She was freakin' rewarding his bad behavior! This is what I mean by my previous post about why I'll be a better mother.
