It's been 4 years since we decided to start TTC. I thought this milestone would be the perfect occasion to reflect back on our journey and to express my deep gratitude for all the family members, friends, co-workers, support group members, medical care professionals, blog readers, forum participants, acquaintances, and even complete strangers that have supported us along the way.
I am humbled by the amount of love and compassion that so many of you have shown us. If you are a friend of mine who has listened to our story, read my blog, sent me cards or messages to let me know when you are thinking of me, prayed for me, or cared and thought about me, even if I never knew it, thank you.
Thank you to all those who have checked in on me, given me space when I needed it, considered my feelings in social situations, privately notified me before announcing your own pregnancies, asked how you can help, listened to me, and hugged me.
Thank you to my DH who has been through the trenches with me, supported me, fought for our love, and done everything in his power and good conscience to give me what I want more than anything..... besides him and our love of course.
Although IF has changed me forever and at times has taken over my identity, something else has changed my sense of identity too: the kindness, love, and support of those who have been there for us along the way. I am so grateful to have so many people in my life who care about me. I hope you all know who you are, and I hope you know that you make me stronger. You make my life more full, more complete. You remind me of the bigger picture and all the small things too, and you help me keep my pain and grief in perspective. You pull me back out into the world when I get stuck in my own head, and you pick me up and carry me when I can't stand by myself.
I am sorry for the times I have not been the best friend, mother, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, in-law, co-worker, or listener. I want to be better. I want to remember that all those roles which I play and the relationships I have are important parts of my identity too. I promise to try. I promise to myself that someday I will work through this suffering and come out on the other side and be even better than the person you knew before this struggle took over me. I refuse to be stuck here forever. Someday, whether it's because I move on to motherhood or accept a new child-free life, I will put this behind me. I'm sure it will always be part of me, but I won't let it consume me forever. I'll grow from it, learn from it, and be stronger because of it.
And to those of you who will still be there ready and waiting for me when that day finally comes, thank you.
Today is our fourth wedding anniversary. It marks the 3-year point of our TTC journey.
Something that I find even more shocking, is that I just realized that this day also marks over 5 1/2 years of suffering from infertility... even if we didn't realize it until we were a couple years into it. But it's the number our doctors really care about.
You see, we went off of birth control due to other health-related issues for me in September 2008. That was nine months before our June 2009 wedding. We tried to be careful *most* months, using condoms or abstaining when we thought I might be ovulating, but back then I didn't keep a calendar or chart temps or anything. And some months we honestly didn't care and went for it anyway. Back then we thought we were lucky that we didn't have any oopsies before our wedding.
Beginning on our honeymoon, we decided we wouldn't start "trying" yet, but we also wouldn't try to prevent. So we just did whatever we wanted and let whatever happened happen. A year went by as I finished up grad school and again, we figured we must have just been lucky, since we still had not gotten pregnant before we were completely ready.
Where the three-year-mark begins:
By our first wedding anniversary, in June 2010, I had graduated from grad school, was interviewing for my first real professional job, and we knew the time was finally right. We'd been together for seven years, been through a lot of milestones together, and everything had finally fallen into place for us. We were officially ready for the next step, we were going to start our family! Although even then, I distinctly remember B voicing a faint concern that was beginning to creep into his mind.... why hadn't we gotten pregnant by "accident" yet? We hoped nothing was actually wrong and we really were "just lucky."
I remember being so excited, I started buying all kinds of books about what to expect before you're expecting, I downloaded an app for my smartphone to track my cycle, I even bought ovulation kits and pregnancy test kits. I think I also bought my first basal body temperature thermometer at this time, having heard you were supposed to chart your temp but at the time not fully understanding why.
Nearly six months passed, and we were still not pregnant. I needed to have my yearly exam anyway, so I figured I'd ask what steps should be taken to get us checked out just in case, since several of my friends and acquaintances had been suffering from various forms of infertility.
My OBGYN recommended we start with B getting tested first. In January of 2011 he did and we got our first analysis with low numbers. We tested again in April, same. I started getting all my tests done, everything checked out until the HSG... those results came back with a blockage.
We got a second opinion with a urologist specializing in male infertility. He did a special test on B's sample to check for sperm defragmentation. Like all his other counts, they came back on the low-end of the normal range. That cost us $400 out of pocket.
The new doc wanted me to get a second HSG, I did in July and they were able to break through the block this time. He suggested we give it a couple months. Nothing. In October we did our first IUI. It didn't work. We wasted $1300 this time.
Our doctor recommended another IUI, I read on my health insurance website that we could get IVF for $5000 down in Illinois, and a friend's sister was able to gather free meds for me. We thought we'd go for it, rather than doing a few rounds of IUI which would add up to the same amount quickly anyway. You can read about what happened with that here.
When we decided not to do IVF in January 2012, we decided to do one more IUI in case B's counts improved at all post-wash this time. In February we did an IUI cycle, but B's post-wash count came back so low this time, they couldn't even in good faith recommend we proceed with the procedure. $900 wasted.
The urologist suggested varicocele repair surgery to see if it improved B's counts. He agreed to the procedure and went under the knife in April 2012. His counts did not significantly improve by the three or nine month marks post-surgery. At least our health insurance covered this one.
Here we are, over a year past his surgery, and exactly three years past our official TTC date, and well over five & a half years of unprotected sex and still no baby. Still no hope for improving our situation naturally. Just waiting. Planning for IVF next year. Sitting alone together in the empty house we bought last year with plenty of room to grow our family.
But at least we are together. And this is our four-year wedding anniversary. We do have a lot to celebrate today, and we will. But I just wanted to take these few minutes first to pay respect to everything we have been through together the last 3-5 years. The strength it has taken for us to face these difficulties is something to be honored and celebrated too. So today, we really do have a lot to celebrate. And hopefully next year at this time, we will have even more to celebrate and plan for, especially if the IVF early in 2014 works and we have the baby of our dreams on the way :)
