Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day was a little bittersweet yesterday.  I wasn't too sad.  B and I just stayed home with the pups and took care of "us".  We had given my mom & grandma some gifts the weekend prior, and sent flowers to his mom and grandmothers.  We each called our mom's as well.  But other than that... and the hundreds of Facebook Status updates from others yesterday, there wasn't too much to remind us that it was supposed to be the worst day of the year for me.

It's funny, when you're in high school and college, there are always the girls who say that Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year for them.  They were eternally single of course.  But I never understood them.  Even when I was single on Valentine's Day, I thought of it as a day to celebrate love in general, and if you were not in a romantic loving relationship, then by golly celebrate the other loves in your life, your friends & family!

I kind of feel that way about Mother's Day too.  I was more focused on it being about our mom's than the fact that I want so desperately to be a mother myself.  I felt a little left out when all the acquaintances I am "friends" with on Facebook kept posting about how great it is to be a mother yesterday.  And I have to admit I get peeved every year when the dogs get B a Father's Day Card & Gift... yet they never get me anything for Mother's Day ;)

Other than that though, it was a pretty okay day.  One sensitive relative posted in her Facebook Status a comment not only for all the mothers, but also for those of us who are still waiting for our own little miracles.  That really touched me and I appreciated her thoughtfulness.

I read a great post on another infertility blog this morning about Mother's Day for Infertiles.  She included the ecard image I used above and also lists some great resources in the post that I highly recommend.  She also referred to a poem she had posted last year on Mother's Day that I thought was pretty good and am re-posting below.


Poem from another Infertility Blog: http://thepiferfamily.blogspot.com/


“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

The Cade Foundation: Help with Infertility Costs

I was so excited to find this in my news feed this morning!  I'm grateful, inspired by, and even kind of dumbstruck by the generosity of others who give to causes like these.  


B and I are hoping that his recent surgery will prevent us from needing expensive ART in the future, but its comforting to know that foundations like this are out there for couples like us out there if we need it.

Infertility Solutions: Grand & Giving Foundations

I want this so bad! - Sage Spoonfuls (Homemade Baby Food Kit)

If I ever kids, this will be the first item I want.  Too bad I can' justify spending this much right now when there is such a good deal going!


http://deals.mamapedia.com/deals/sage-spoonfuls?utm_campaign=3428&utm_medium=email&utm_source=deal_alert_sidedeal_0


By feeding children homemade, organic, locally grown baby food, parents are not only giving them the most delicious and nutritious food—they are laying a strong foundation for a lifetime of healthy food choices. By spending just 1 hour every 2 weeks, parents could have a freezer stocked with healthy and delicious baby food, made from safe, natural ingredients.

https://www.sagespoonfuls.com/

Full Circle

A year ago in April, we found out from Dr. J that Brian has varicoceles.  Now here I sit, in the waiting room of the surgery center at our hospital as Brian goes through varicocele repair surgery. It was a humbling feeling, seeing him in that cap and gown with an IV in his hand as they pumped fluids into him during the surgery prep.  Humbling because it made what he was willing to do for me seem so much more real.  The sacrifice he is willing to make for me gives me a lump in my throat as I realize how deep his love for me must really be. Don't get me wrong, Brian is perfectly comfortable with the thought of having kids with me, and once we do have kids, I know he's going to be the best Dad I've ever met.  But right now, this is much more so something I want, and he is doing everything he reasonably can to make me happy.  He could be happy if it's just the two of us forever.  I'm enough for him.   But for me to be truly happy, I need to know that we did everything we could to try to have a baby.  If it doesn't work out in the end, I'm starting to realize that he's enough for me too.  He's more than enough.  But I've always wanted to be a mother, and before I can let go of that dream, I need to know that we tried everything we could. I'm going to pampering and spoiling that boy rotten once he's done in the OR!  I've already got a brand new gaming mouse waiting to surprise him with when we get home.  Bought him some of his favorite candies for a little Easter basket too... It's not much but I just want to show him in all the l title ways I can think of to show him how grateful for what he has done for us, for me.

Today I came across this petition on another infertile's blog that would require ALL states to provide coverage for infertility testing and treatment. 

Anyone that knows anyone who has gone through any sort of infertility treatment understands that it's exorbitantly expensive and most states don't require health insurance to cover treatments, making it nearly impossible for some couples (like us) to achieve their dreams of a family. 

We are lucky because ours DID cover diagnostic testing, but once we'd done all we could with that (and still had no definite answers), insurance wouldn't pay for any treatments that could have helped us TTC.
I think justice would be BEYOND served if every single state was REQUIRED to cover treatments.  It is a medical condition, just as anything else.  And yet people can get Viagra covered but not infertility treatments.

So, PLEASE take just a minute and sign the petition!  "We" need 25,000 signatures by March 30, 2012!!

I thank you in advance, and please share widely!!

SIGN HERE!! 

A Change Has Taken Place

Sorry I have been MIA lately.  Nothing new has really happened on the infertility front lately so I didn't have much to report.  


Three weeks ago my cousin's baby was born (Madeline Lee....I'm obsessed with baby names!), and later that week my best friend had her second daughter, Kylee Shae.  It's been a rocky couple of week for Kylee's family as she was (I believe) 6 weeks premature and at only 1.5 weeks they brought her back to the hospital because she had contracted RSV, which can be fatal in premies.  It's been a scary couple weeks for my friend, and I feel so much sympathy for her.


One might think that things would be hard for me lately, what with the babies being born and now all the hospital updates.  Rather, I just feel concern for my friend and her daughter.  I spent last weekend with another very close, very pregnant friend, and I had the best time talking with her about baby names and shower gifts.  Another one of my best friend's husband just posted a picture on facebook of her 18 weeks "belly pop" picture, and all I thought was, "She's so cute!!!"  Another friend who has a 8 month old emailed me to warn me she'd posting some pictures of her son on FB.  I was so grateful for the heads up, but when they were posted, I truly enjoyed looking at them and seeing how fast he's growing up.


I guess what I'm getting at (and this relates back to the title of the post), is that something inside me has changed.  Only a little bit, but there has still definitely been a change in me.  I'm less bitter, less angry, less sad.  Don't get me wrong, there are still twinges.  I still feel like I get smacked in the face once in a while with baby news.  But for the most part, I'm not walking around feeling like a defective excuse for a woman.


Here's when it happened:


I started reading about choosing to live "child free."  I prefer this term over childless, because it is more empowering.  If after a few more years of TTC through various methods, we decide we need to stop, then I'd prefer to choose to stop, and not feel like I was forced too.


I started thinking about what this would mean and I kind of liked some aspects of it.

1. More money & freedom to travel, the one activity that makes both B and I the happiest.  The picture at the top of this post is us on our honeymoon in Greece in 2009.
2. Earlier retirement because we won't need as much money to support anyone but ourselves.
3. Smaller house & cars to pay for, and no worries over what school district we live in or how to pay for the college years.
4. No daycare, diapers, kids clothes or baby furnishings to pay for.
5. More sleep and free time for ourselves & our hobbies.
6. More time and attention for our dogs, maybe even enough so that we could get a third in a few years!
7. No teenagers to stress over.
8. Opportunity to become really close with any future nieces & nephews & be the "cool" aunt & uncle.

Of course there are many downsides to living child-free, but I think and talk about those all the time so I won't get into them here.  This post is about opening the door to new possibilities.

I'm not saying I don't want kids anymore.  I'm not saying that B and I aren't still going to do everything reasonable in our power to TTC.  All I'm saying is that if the stars do not align for us to have children, I'm starting to think about ways & situations in which I may be able to accept that.  

I think that's really important because in 2-3 years, if we're still not pregnant, and are not in a financial position to afford IVF, I may need to be prepared to face the fact that we may not be the kind of people in this society who are able to move earth and sun to make a baby.  We are middle class people from middle class backgrounds with a lot of student loan debt and our health insurance doesn't cover it.  We may be able to do it, but I can't count on it right now.  So I've decided not to think about it anymore.  I've just tucked it in the back of my mind and am trying to focus on the here and now.

We're doing B's surgery in 3 weeks, and we plan to give that a couple of years  to reap it's full benefits.  We may throw a few more IUI's in the mix during that time, but other than that, no thoughts of IVF or anything until we've given this a real chance.  So, I've decided to let go for at least a year, and focus on other things, and see what happens.  So far, it's been feeling great :)

Some Thoughts on Adoption

An old, very dear, friend of mine sent me the sweetest card last week.  It took me a while to process it because it was unexpected, but I have finally worked up the strength to address it now.


This friend was adopted.


She started out her lovely letter telling me she'd been reading the blog.  She told me how much her heart aches for what B and I have been going through.  She told me what a good Mommy she know's I would make.  She told me she admired my "I will be a better mother" post.  I love this quote from her letter:

"If we never experienced a rainy day, how could we ever appreciate the warm sunshine?"

With that being said, she also acknowledged that remembering such wisdom doesn't make the hard days any easier.


I also love that she said that while she agrees infertility doesn't define me, "it will shape you, cause you to grow and think in ways you have never known before, but it isn't you!"


She went on to tell me all the things I am in her eyes.  She reminded me of all kinds of childhood memories together (we've known each other since first grade!).  She told me she is here to support me, no matter what I need from a friend right now.


She left me with a few silly quotes to help me cope:

1. "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God will not protect you"
2. "One day at a time... one day at at a time."

Then there was a P.S. at the end that kind of rocked my world for a minute.


She said that she wasn't even going to write this last bit, but in the end felt she needed to be honest.  She said that she completely resepects B's & mine feelings on adoption, but the sections in my blog on that topic where a little hard for her to read.


I had to go back an read what I had written, because I know there weren't any posts yet with a title like today's title... and then I remembered the post-turned-into-a-page, "What not to say."


At the end of this post I make two different statements about adoption, and now that I go back and reread them, they do come off as very dismissive and negative.  Rather insensitive actually.


I feel it is important to explain where I was coming from the day I wrote those words and a little bit more about where B and I are coming from on adoption in general.


B flat out doesn't want to adopt.  He is not interested in open or closed, foreign or domestic, baby or older child adoption.  He just keeps saying he is not comfortable with raising someone else's child.  He is afraid that if there are serious difficulties, handicaps, issues or whatever, that he won't be able to handle it, and would end up resenting me.  He says that if it was our genetic child, he'd feel differently, like it was more his responsibility to work through the tough times and so he'd be able to manage through it with our own child.  But if it was someone else genes and we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into, he'd regret it.  I hope I have articulated that accurately and with the spirit in which he feels.


Because it is all about the genes for him, not just the lifestyle of the mother or the environment of foster homes & orphanages, B is not interested in embryo adoption either.  For the same reason, he is not interested in sperm donation.


I don't know how he really feels about fostering, but I think he would be very concerned of my "falling in love" and pressuring him to adopt any children we welcome into our home/family temporarily, so I think he would be very against fostering as well, though I have not discussed this with him to the point of exhaustion as I have the adoption topics.


This has been very difficult for me to absorb and accept.  I know many people who have adopted or have been adopted, and I think it is a beautiful loving thing.  


I love babies.  I love children.  I am the oldest of four children, the oldest of seven grandchildren.  I grew up with my mother running a home daycare in our house.  I started babysitting other people's children when I was eleven.  I taught Sunday School.  I taught children's swimming lessons for years.  My friends with children always comment on how good I am with their kids and sometimes even call me the "Baby Whisperer."


For me, this whole infertility struggle isn't about our inability to conceive our own genetic child.  It would be beautiful and amazing, and world-changing (to us) for B and I to create a being that is part of each of us.  But I don't need to have my own genetic child.  I'd love to have the experience of being pregnant and giving birth, that rite of passage into womanhood.  But I don't need to be pregnant to feel like a woman, or an adult.


What I do need is to fill this empty hole that is growing inside of me.  This need to nurture, to give, to love something that depends on me for everything.  I need to be a mother.


I honestly believe I'd be very content and my needs would be beyond satisfied with adopting a baby.  An embryo adoption would allow me the opportunity to experience pregnancy and labor, but like I said before, I don't need all that.  I just want a baby.


Sometimes I even think fostering would help, though I'm sure it would be a very slippery slope toward wanting to adopt.  It would be hard to give them up once they've been part of our little family.  Maybe I'm putting words in B's mouth when I say he'd be afraid of me doing that... maybe I say he'll feel that way because part of me worries that I'll do it...


So when I wrote those comments about adoption, about how it's not for every one, about all the negative aspects and risks of it... I was trying to convince myself of these things.


I needed to convince myself that I too felt this way about adoption.  Or that it was ok for someone to feel this way about adoption.  I had to separate myself from my own true feelings about it because the fact of the matter is, I cannot adopt.  In the life I have chosen, I am half of a partnership.  My life is not just about me anymore, it is my and B's life together now.  He feels very strongly against something that I think could take away my suffering.  I have to accept that.


If I don't come to terms with and accept the fact that we will not adopt I only have two other options.  Continue to live in pain with tension between us, or abandon our relationship and pursue adoption without him.  The first is not healthy and won't solve anything and the latter is unimaginable and not an option at all.


I want a baby, but I want B more.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my days without him.  I can't imagine choosing to be a single mother over being a childless couple.  I can't imagine meeting anyone else that I could have children with and being able to love them the way I do B.  I never could have imagined myself not being a mother, but I also could never have imagined myself loving a man like B this much either.  Now that I have him, I don't ever want to let him go.  I'd rather have a good love story be the legacy of my life than an unknown future without the love of my life.


So that's why I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that adoption is out for us.  Because it has to be.  Because I have to.


That's also why I put so much emotion, time, and energy into fertility treatments and options.  Because they are my only hope of having it all.  Of being the person I thought I was meant to be.  Of feeling complete as an adult woman in the only way I know how to...so far.


To all my friends and family who have either adopted or were adopted. I'm sorry if my comments in earlier posts/pages were hurtful to you.  I see now how insensitive they were.  I just want you to know that I wasn't thinking of anyone or anything besides myself and what I am experiencing with B when I wrote those.  I talk so much about wanting others to be sensitive to infertiles like me, and then I go and do something so thoughtless.  I'm sincerely sorry for any pain or discomfort I may have caused.