Happy Endings

I haven't posted in a very long time.  There are several reasons for it.  

One reason is that blogging sometimes dragged me down and kept me locked in the prison of my despair.  Other times it gave me a voice and allowed me to advocate for myself, sort through my emotions, and share with others (strangers and loved ones alike) about how I was doing so I wouldn't have to discuss it when I didn't feel like it.  But sometimes it kept me down and I felt like a slave to my sadness.

Another reason is that I did not always like the feedback I received from well-meaning loved ones with whom I'd shared the blog.  At times, I unintentionally wrote things that hurt or offended them.  And they let me know it.  Sometimes, their taking offense offended me because they clearly missed the point of why I was feeling the way I was, or why I was writing about it.  But it wasn't worth fighting over, so I tried to graciously accept their criticism and slowly stopped sharing as much on the blog to avoid future confrontations and hurt feelings all around.  

Sometimes I wish I had made this blog completely anonymous and never shared it with anyone who knows me in real life.  It might have protected some relationships.  Although, if I never could have shared my general feelings, or how specific events affected me, or how those who care about me could try to help or be sensitive to me, would it really have made those relationships better? Or would I have just been suffering in silence?  Would my own resentment have grown with every innocent comment, announcement, or event?  Would I have withdrawn inside myself even further?  Would they have continued in their daily lives unaware of the pain they might be causing other infertiles like me?  I guess I'll never know.  But since we can't re-write the past, I'll have to stand by my decision to write this blog, and the decision to share with people who know me.  I can learn from this experience, and I can be grateful for the role it played in my journey.

The biggest reason why I haven't updated this inconceivable story since Mother's Day is because I was actively living out the end of the story.  And this story, thankfully, has a happy ending.  Yes, DH and I are finally expecting and we couldn't be happier.  In the end, we decided to do IVF and actually travelled to Czech Republic to do it because it was less than half the price to do it there, including all the travel costs.  We were very lucky that it worked first try, especially because we have no frozen embryos left over to try again.  We transferred two embies and one stuck.  I am now over 17 weeks along and we are on cloud nine.  We feel so blessed and are extremely grateful for how lucky we are.

To all those out there who are still struggling, my heart goes out to you.  I wish you all success in your journey and hope you all become parents, in whatever way you can.  Or, if it's what's best for you, I hope you find peace and joy in choosing to live childfree.  This journey leaves a mark on us all, and I know I for one will be forever changed because of it.  But I also know I will be a better mother because of it too.  Now I truly can live out the words from this comforting poem I found 2.5 years ago when I first started this blog: http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/p/i-will-be-wonderful-mother.html.

I wish the same happiness to all the other hopeful parents out there who may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope you all find peace and take comfort in the hope that your own happy ending will come someday too.

Gratitude before Mother's Day

It's been 4 years since we decided to start TTC.  I thought this milestone would be the perfect occasion to reflect back on our journey and to express my deep gratitude for all the family members, friends, co-workers, support group members, medical care professionals, blog readers, forum participants, acquaintances, and even complete strangers that have supported us along the way.  

I am humbled by the amount of love and compassion that so many of you have shown us.  If you are a friend of mine who has listened to our story, read my blog, sent me cards or messages to let me know when you are thinking of me, prayed for me, or cared and thought about me, even if I never knew it, thank you.

Thank you to all those who have checked in on me, given me space when I needed it, considered my feelings in social situations, privately notified me before announcing your own pregnancies, asked how you can help, listened to me, and hugged me.

Thank you to my DH who has been through the trenches with me, supported me, fought for our love, and done everything in his power and good conscience to give me what I want more than anything..... besides him and our love of course.

Although IF has changed me forever and at times has taken over my identity, something else has changed my sense of identity too: the kindness, love, and support of those who have been there for us along the way.  I am so grateful to have so many people in my life who care about me.  I hope you all know who you are, and I hope you know that you make me stronger.  You make my life more full, more complete.  You remind me of the bigger picture and all the small things too, and you help me keep my pain and grief in perspective.  You pull me back out into the world when I get stuck in my own head, and you pick me up and carry me when I can't stand by myself.  

I am sorry for the times I have not been the best friend, mother, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, in-law, co-worker, or listener.  I want to be better.  I want to remember that all those roles which I play and the relationships I have are important parts of my identity too.  I promise to try.  I promise to myself that someday I will work through this suffering and come out on the other side and be even better than the person you knew before this struggle took over me.  I refuse to be stuck here forever.  Someday, whether it's because I move on to motherhood or accept a new child-free life, I will put this behind me.  I'm sure it will always be part of me, but I won't let it consume me forever.  I'll grow from it, learn from it, and be stronger because of it.

And to those of you who will still be there ready and waiting for me when that day finally comes, thank you.

Finally, some updates

I obviously have not been posting lately. It is most definitely not because I don't have anything to talk about. And it isn't that I don't have the time. 

But, I don't know what to do with these words.  I've said before that this blog can be an outlet for me, but it can also be a heavy iron chain tied around my ankle, not letting me escape my grief at times.

But enough has happened that it warrants at least an update here.

In July I began a new fertility-friendly diet, omitting gluten, cow's dairy, refined sugar, alcohol, coffee, most caffeine, frozen and cold foods and beverages, raw vegetables, and sugary drinks, including fruit juices.  I've lost 23 pounds and am thrilled.

In August I began acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicinal herbs.  We also began visiting a support group once a month.

In October, I went to a new clinic for a second opinion since my old doctor, Dr. Robbie, went back to Canada (good riddance).  This is when I learned that my AMH hormones are low, which means I have the egg reserves of a woman in her late thirties, not like the young 32 year-old that I really am.  Clock is ticking faster than we thought. Great.

In November, based on information I'd learned from other women at our support group, I decided I must be a candidate for endometriosis, got a referral to a new doctor, underwent laproscopic surgery, and was treated for mild to moderate endometriosis. After which, I adapted my diet to be more friendly to endometriosis symptoms, which meant omitting soy and eggs from my diet as well due to their high estrogen levels.

During the surgery, my doctor also examined my uterus to make sure there were no fibroids or anything else abnormal in there.  Fortunately I checked out just fine in that department, so that's a relief.  He also did another dye test on my fallopian tubes while I was under so I could avoid doing a third dreaded HSG test.  We wanted to see if my left fallopian tube was still open, since it had been blocked the first two times, but they'd broken through with a catheter during the second HSG.  Oddly, the left was open but the right was blocked now.  I later asked my new RE what she made of that, and she had no idea, other than that clearly I have some issue with my tubes, so there's another possible explanation for our years of infertility.  Tube issues were one of the original problems that IVF was invented for in the first place, so at least there is a treatment I guess, but it's still kind of shocking to get this news.

At the same time, B got another semen analysis and the results showed that he only has 1% morphology.  This is the hardest thing to treat with acupuncture, and western medicine can only treat it with IVF and ICSI.  I was so mad that our previous clinic had not been testing this, even after his varicocele repair surgery!  I felt like all my acupuncture and surgery were for nothing after learning about this.

In December, I completed a clomid challenge to check the quality of my eggs, especially since I now know I have a low egg count.  I went off herbs this month so they didn't interfere with the clomid.  In early January I learned that my quality is fine. What a relief.  So I have good eggs, just not very many of them.

In January, I stopped acupuncture because of the high cost, and since we now know that IVF is our only hope of conceiving for several reasons, we need to save every penny for that if we want children.

So that's where we are.  I'll continue the diet because it reduces the symptoms of endometriosis, and because I would like to continue losing more weight, but I have little hope that it's helping me to conceive now.  When we do IVF, I hope to pick up acupuncture again then, but we'll have to see what the finances are at that time.

I feel like I'm coming close or the end of the road on this journey soon. We've gone from years of unexplained infertility, to completely over-explained and too many answers within a couple short months.  It's overwhelming, and I'm becoming glad it will probably soon all be over, one way or another.  

I don't wish any of this on my worst enemy.  It's the hardest thing that B and I have ever faced together, and that's saying a lot, actually.  It's pretty much defined our marriage, though fortunately not our relationship, thank goodness.  

I'm getting tired, and starting to be ready to look forward to other things in life.  I've been thinking about trying to meet new people, make new child-free friends, and become more actively engaged with life... without thinking about pregnancy, children, families, and finances.  We'll see, it's not over until it's over, but it's slightly relieving to fantasize about what it might feel like when it's all finally over.