How Men & Women Grieve Differently

Those of you who have experienced the pain of infertility may have noticed that the emotions you are experiencing may not be the same, or at least not happening the same way at the same time as your partner. Perhaps it seems to you that your partner doesn’t care, or doesn’t understand, or is never on the same page as you. Maybe you feel like you are dealing with all of this by yourself because he just doesn’t seem to be as affected by it as you are. But it may just be that he is processing his pain in his own way, which is different from yours. And he may be just as befuddled by your reactions to the experiences of infertility as you are by his.

It is widely known that men and women grieve differently. While a couple may be grieving over the pain of infertility, it is important to remember that no two people grieve in the same way, or at the same pace. In addition to social cues and family traditions, men and women may find an extra challenge in understanding the grief experienced and expressed by the other gender, even while grieving together over the same thing. Rather than getting angry about our differences, we might try to learn to accept them as a part of the grieving process and support each other as we move toward our shared goal of healing.

The following is from a blog about greif in general, and specifically a post about the differences between how men and women process grief.  The original post is written about grief over the loss of a loved one, but I was struck by how applicable the descriptions were to what B & I have experienced while struggling through years of infertility.  My re-posing this is meant not only to help each gender in a hetero-sexual infertile relationship understand how the other gender may be processing their pain, but also to offer some tips on how support the your partner through it all. 

If you are the man, you may want to take away her hurt and make her feel better, most often by distraction or trying to lighten her mood. In an attempt to remove her pain, you may however be denying her the ability to express her feelings and emotions in a safe way. Women need to talk and express how they feel; it is natural to them, it is what they do. Remember, you don’t have to solve anything. It can also be excruciatingly uncomfortable to be with your partner who is crying and your natural response may be to try and deflect this in some way. This action may serve also, to protect yourself from your own vulnerabilities in relation to the expression of such a strong emotion. She is processing grief in her own way, as a woman.

If you are the woman, you may want him to talk about his feelings and wonder why he doesn’t even seem to care or shed a tear. You might be amazed that he wants to make love to you at a time when it is the last thing on your mind or spend hours out in the shed, keeping as busy as possible. Men generally process and respond to their grief very privately and actively, they like to keep busy. You may not see the occasions where they do cry just like you do, they feel the pain just as much, but express it in different ways – they still hurt. You may notice that he is flying off the handle at the slightest thing or muttering and swearing at the lawnmower that wont ‘go’ – men are more likely to be angry when they are grieving. As women that may be an uncomfortable emotion to witness. He is processing grief in his own way, as a man.

Whichever way you deal with grief, try to nurture and support each other during such an extremely difficult time:

♥ Be near – in physical and emotional closeness, sexual or otherwise

♥ Refrain from offering solutions or becoming judgmental

♥ Listen without interrupting

♥ A silent comforting hug heals much

♥ Remember significant difficult days – birthdays, anniversaries

♥ Understand that grief never ends, the individual person simply adapts over time

♥ Invest in your relationship – take the time for what’s important

♥ Value talking

♥ Love generously

Gyno Appointment

So get this, I'm in India.  Yep, I pretty much have the best job in the world.  In August they sent me to Finland for an international library conference, and now here we are, only in November, and they've sent me to India to recruit international students.  The pay isn't great, but the travel perks are AMAZING and my co-workers really make it a place I look forward to going every day.  I'm having the best time of life.  I'm creatively filled by my career, and they let me travel.  Life is good.

The morning before I flew out (late October), I voted.  Had to make sure I exercised my civil right/duty.  By the way, it worked.  My guy totally won :)

I did one other weird thing before flying out that morning.... I went to the gyno for my first annual exam & pap in two years.  After the pregnancy hopes two months ago, I realized I better get back in to see her for a regular check up.  I have had my vagina probed and blood drawn so many times in the last two years by my RE that I kind of forgot about my regular health maintenance.

It was kind of an interesting appointment actually.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it was all the usual stuff, the speculum, the breast exam, yadda yadda.  She decided to do some blood work on me since I don't have a general practitioner right now and had forgotten to get my "30-year" check up last year (like I said, I go to the clinic enough right now, I'm not looking for any extra trips to the doctor at the moment!).  She just wanted to check my cholesterol  thyroid, pre-diabetes screening, etc., since I'm in relatively good health otherwise, this was all she wanted to double-check on.

Before she sent me to the lab for the blood draw, we talked about the infertility.  She thought it had only been a year and a half, and I reminded her that it had been two years since I'd seen her last & she'd recommended us to Dr. J, but before that we'd been trying for 6 months.  Also, Dr.s Strawn & Robb (let's call him Robbie, makes him seem more human and fallible to me), told me that since B & I haven't used contraceptives since Sept. 2008, they consider us to have suffered from infertility for over 4 years.  That really got my gyno thinking.

Two things she told me really stuck out in my mind.  She told me to make sure both B & I have someone to talk to outside of our relationship about all this, since it can be really hard on a couple and men & women process it differently, especially since I want kids badly & B could honestly take them or leave them.  Anyway, she said the divorce rate for couples suffering from infertility is 70%!  That's right, you didn't misread it, SEVENTY PERCENT!

What does that say about B & I?  I think it says that so far, we must have a pretty incredible relationship, considering we've come this far through all this, especially the last 2.5 years since we started "trying."  It also makes me feel better about the tension it's caused between us too.  Makes me feel more normal.  Makes me want to hold on tighter to him though.  Makes me want to be more reasonable and understanding about his perspective on things when we're in the midst of a disagreement about all this.

The last thing the gyno said to me before I left for the lab was this, "Since you're taking a break for a while, watch your mood.... and watch your marriage."  Then she gave me some information about  a local support group for couples going through all stages of infertility.

God, that really makes me stop in my tracks and think.  To have a gyno warning me to watch my marriage, it must be something not to take too lightly.  Makes me think I better take that divorce rate seriously and literally watch my marriage!  Yikes!  

That's what I'm determined to do though. He's the love of my life.  Babies get older and grow up, but your life partner is the one you want to wake up next to every morning.  That's the one you're CHOOSING to spend every day with.  That's the one you want to go to bed with every night.  That's the one you want to call when something bad, funny, good, interesting, fantastic, horrible, or inspirational happens to you.  That's the person who matters most, and if you have a good one, you better hold on tight and not let them go.

On a completely different note, I find it funny that my gyno took, "we're trying naturally since B had varicocele repair surgery 6 months ago, and if that doesn't pan out, we're saving up for IVF in early 2014" to mean that we are "taking a break for a while."  Actually, it's not funny, it just validates the way I feel most of the time.

On a final note, my gyno asked how I was liking working with Dr.'s Strawn, Robbie, and J.  I told her J was a genius, and I really appreciated Dr. Strawn... but that Robbie, who was my primary RE over there, well, I wasn't really "clicking" with.  She told me that most of her patients love everyone over there, but the few who have issues, always say the issues is with Robbie!  She told me I shouldn't feel weird about requesting to switch to Dr. Strawn if I felt more comfortable.  I really like this gyno.  She seems to get me.  That, and she has never failed to provide me with instant gratification for anything I've requested from her... you know, except the whole pregnancy/baby thing.  Oh well, I guess I shouldn't be so greedy.

Think I'll look into that support group when I get home.

Some Thoughts on Adoption

An old, very dear, friend of mine sent me the sweetest card last week.  It took me a while to process it because it was unexpected, but I have finally worked up the strength to address it now.


This friend was adopted.


She started out her lovely letter telling me she'd been reading the blog.  She told me how much her heart aches for what B and I have been going through.  She told me what a good Mommy she know's I would make.  She told me she admired my "I will be a better mother" post.  I love this quote from her letter:

"If we never experienced a rainy day, how could we ever appreciate the warm sunshine?"

With that being said, she also acknowledged that remembering such wisdom doesn't make the hard days any easier.


I also love that she said that while she agrees infertility doesn't define me, "it will shape you, cause you to grow and think in ways you have never known before, but it isn't you!"


She went on to tell me all the things I am in her eyes.  She reminded me of all kinds of childhood memories together (we've known each other since first grade!).  She told me she is here to support me, no matter what I need from a friend right now.


She left me with a few silly quotes to help me cope:

1. "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God will not protect you"
2. "One day at a time... one day at at a time."

Then there was a P.S. at the end that kind of rocked my world for a minute.


She said that she wasn't even going to write this last bit, but in the end felt she needed to be honest.  She said that she completely resepects B's & mine feelings on adoption, but the sections in my blog on that topic where a little hard for her to read.


I had to go back an read what I had written, because I know there weren't any posts yet with a title like today's title... and then I remembered the post-turned-into-a-page, "What not to say."


At the end of this post I make two different statements about adoption, and now that I go back and reread them, they do come off as very dismissive and negative.  Rather insensitive actually.


I feel it is important to explain where I was coming from the day I wrote those words and a little bit more about where B and I are coming from on adoption in general.


B flat out doesn't want to adopt.  He is not interested in open or closed, foreign or domestic, baby or older child adoption.  He just keeps saying he is not comfortable with raising someone else's child.  He is afraid that if there are serious difficulties, handicaps, issues or whatever, that he won't be able to handle it, and would end up resenting me.  He says that if it was our genetic child, he'd feel differently, like it was more his responsibility to work through the tough times and so he'd be able to manage through it with our own child.  But if it was someone else genes and we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into, he'd regret it.  I hope I have articulated that accurately and with the spirit in which he feels.


Because it is all about the genes for him, not just the lifestyle of the mother or the environment of foster homes & orphanages, B is not interested in embryo adoption either.  For the same reason, he is not interested in sperm donation.


I don't know how he really feels about fostering, but I think he would be very concerned of my "falling in love" and pressuring him to adopt any children we welcome into our home/family temporarily, so I think he would be very against fostering as well, though I have not discussed this with him to the point of exhaustion as I have the adoption topics.


This has been very difficult for me to absorb and accept.  I know many people who have adopted or have been adopted, and I think it is a beautiful loving thing.  


I love babies.  I love children.  I am the oldest of four children, the oldest of seven grandchildren.  I grew up with my mother running a home daycare in our house.  I started babysitting other people's children when I was eleven.  I taught Sunday School.  I taught children's swimming lessons for years.  My friends with children always comment on how good I am with their kids and sometimes even call me the "Baby Whisperer."


For me, this whole infertility struggle isn't about our inability to conceive our own genetic child.  It would be beautiful and amazing, and world-changing (to us) for B and I to create a being that is part of each of us.  But I don't need to have my own genetic child.  I'd love to have the experience of being pregnant and giving birth, that rite of passage into womanhood.  But I don't need to be pregnant to feel like a woman, or an adult.


What I do need is to fill this empty hole that is growing inside of me.  This need to nurture, to give, to love something that depends on me for everything.  I need to be a mother.


I honestly believe I'd be very content and my needs would be beyond satisfied with adopting a baby.  An embryo adoption would allow me the opportunity to experience pregnancy and labor, but like I said before, I don't need all that.  I just want a baby.


Sometimes I even think fostering would help, though I'm sure it would be a very slippery slope toward wanting to adopt.  It would be hard to give them up once they've been part of our little family.  Maybe I'm putting words in B's mouth when I say he'd be afraid of me doing that... maybe I say he'll feel that way because part of me worries that I'll do it...


So when I wrote those comments about adoption, about how it's not for every one, about all the negative aspects and risks of it... I was trying to convince myself of these things.


I needed to convince myself that I too felt this way about adoption.  Or that it was ok for someone to feel this way about adoption.  I had to separate myself from my own true feelings about it because the fact of the matter is, I cannot adopt.  In the life I have chosen, I am half of a partnership.  My life is not just about me anymore, it is my and B's life together now.  He feels very strongly against something that I think could take away my suffering.  I have to accept that.


If I don't come to terms with and accept the fact that we will not adopt I only have two other options.  Continue to live in pain with tension between us, or abandon our relationship and pursue adoption without him.  The first is not healthy and won't solve anything and the latter is unimaginable and not an option at all.


I want a baby, but I want B more.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my days without him.  I can't imagine choosing to be a single mother over being a childless couple.  I can't imagine meeting anyone else that I could have children with and being able to love them the way I do B.  I never could have imagined myself not being a mother, but I also could never have imagined myself loving a man like B this much either.  Now that I have him, I don't ever want to let him go.  I'd rather have a good love story be the legacy of my life than an unknown future without the love of my life.


So that's why I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that adoption is out for us.  Because it has to be.  Because I have to.


That's also why I put so much emotion, time, and energy into fertility treatments and options.  Because they are my only hope of having it all.  Of being the person I thought I was meant to be.  Of feeling complete as an adult woman in the only way I know how to...so far.


To all my friends and family who have either adopted or were adopted. I'm sorry if my comments in earlier posts/pages were hurtful to you.  I see now how insensitive they were.  I just want you to know that I wasn't thinking of anyone or anything besides myself and what I am experiencing with B when I wrote those.  I talk so much about wanting others to be sensitive to infertiles like me, and then I go and do something so thoughtless.  I'm sincerely sorry for any pain or discomfort I may have caused.