Those of you who have experienced the pain of infertility may have noticed that the emotions you are experiencing may not be the same, or at least not happening the same way at the same time as your partner. Perhaps it seems to you that your partner doesn’t care, or doesn’t understand, or is never on the same page as you. Maybe you feel like you are dealing with all of this by yourself because he just doesn’t seem to be as affected by it as you are. But it may just be that he is processing his pain in his own way, which is different from yours. And he may be just as befuddled by your reactions to the experiences of infertility as you are by his.
It is widely known that men and women grieve differently. While a couple may be grieving over the pain of infertility, it is important to remember that no two people grieve in the same way, or at the same pace. In addition to social cues and family traditions, men and women may find an extra challenge in understanding the grief experienced and expressed by the other gender, even while grieving together over the same thing. Rather than getting angry about our differences, we might try to learn to accept them as a part of the grieving process and support each other as we move toward our shared goal of healing.
The following is from a blog about greif in general, and specifically a post about the differences between how men and women process grief. The original post is written about grief over the loss of a loved one, but I was struck by how applicable the descriptions were to what B & I have experienced while struggling through years of infertility. My re-posing this is meant not only to help each gender in a hetero-sexual infertile relationship understand how the other gender may be processing their pain, but also to offer some tips on how support the your partner through it all.
If you are the man, you may want to take away her hurt and make her feel better, most often by distraction or trying to lighten her mood. In an attempt to remove her pain, you may however be denying her the ability to express her feelings and emotions in a safe way. Women need to talk and express how they feel; it is natural to them, it is what they do. Remember, you don’t have to solve anything. It can also be excruciatingly uncomfortable to be with your partner who is crying and your natural response may be to try and deflect this in some way. This action may serve also, to protect yourself from your own vulnerabilities in relation to the expression of such a strong emotion. She is processing grief in her own way, as a woman.
If you are the woman, you may want him to talk about his feelings and wonder why he doesn’t even seem to care or shed a tear. You might be amazed that he wants to make love to you at a time when it is the last thing on your mind or spend hours out in the shed, keeping as busy as possible. Men generally process and respond to their grief very privately and actively, they like to keep busy. You may not see the occasions where they do cry just like you do, they feel the pain just as much, but express it in different ways – they still hurt. You may notice that he is flying off the handle at the slightest thing or muttering and swearing at the lawnmower that wont ‘go’ – men are more likely to be angry when they are grieving. As women that may be an uncomfortable emotion to witness. He is processing grief in his own way, as a man.
Whichever way you deal with grief, try to nurture and support each other during such an extremely difficult time:
♥ Be near – in physical and emotional closeness, sexual or otherwise
♥ Refrain from offering solutions or becoming judgmental
♥ Listen without interrupting
♥ A silent comforting hug heals much
♥ Remember significant difficult days – birthdays, anniversaries
♥ Understand that grief never ends, the individual person simply adapts over time
♥ Invest in your relationship – take the time for what’s important
♥ Value talking
♥ Love generously
No comments:
Post a Comment