For anyone dealing with infertility, Mother’s Day can be a very difficult day to cope with. In anticipation of tomorrow's holiday, I am reposting a 2011 blog post from the author of 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.
"Perhaps it would be just a bit easier if we could re-name the holiday to something that didn’t remind us of moms and babies. Here are some suggestions for re-naming Mother’s Day:
- Women who are not on Clomid Day
- International working ovaries Day
- Bratty toddlers and their Mother’s Day
- Her loins really procreated Day
- Please don’t post your Mother’s Day photos on Facebook Day
- A vaginal and brunch celebration Day
- Sperm and egg conceived Day
- She ovulated Day
- Happy pre and post-menopausal Day
- Overpriced chocolates and flowers Day
- You’re not my real Mother Day
…or how about Mother’s and Mother’s-in-Waiting Day."
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These are pretty funny, and finding reasons to laugh about infertility does help to ease the pressure that this day brings. This day can be a national reminder of everything we have wished for, lost, never had, worked for, despaired over, fought for and because of, and physically and emotionally hurt from. This is something most of us feel every day, but on Mother's Day, a day when everyone else is happily celebrating their own mothers or children, the infertile can be overwhelmed by facing all of their experiences and feelings at once. It can be too much.
An article by Deborah S. Simmons, PhD, LMFT published in the Spring 2013 RESOLVE newsletter and posted on their website suggests letting this day become "your own personal Empowerment Day."
As the article said, "For many who are undergoing fertility treatment and family building, this manufactured holiday can generate anxiety, dread, and anger. You want to be one of the people being celebrated, but you are not there yet.
...You may not feel that you have many choices about fertility treatment, but you absolutely do have choices about how you approach Mother's Day."
Rather than a day of “Why?” let this become a day of “How?” Ask yourself:
- “How am I doing on my journey to parenting?”
“How do I need to change my perspective or treatment protocol?”
“How would I LIKE to spend the day?"
The article goes on to say:
"Let this be a decision day about where you are in your life, not just in your attempts to conceive. Let this be a day that is all about you. Embrace self-care as part of your quest to be a mother.
Did you know that you do not have to attend celebrations, even though you have been asked or even if someone demanded you attend? What would you like to do? Being honest does not make you Debbie Downer. It makes you human, and real, and a person. Here’s a truth—someone else may not like you making a different kind of decision, but you will do better. You have absolute permission to stay in bed the entire day, to cry, and to breathe.
... You can also choose to engage in celebration of your own mother. This year, find a way to do so that fits with your love for her and for yourself. In whatever ways you choose to spend that day, empower yourself to be the beautiful person you were before your fertility journey began and the person you will be after your fertility challenges are resolved."
I'm glad to see that this article reinforces that it is okay to NOT CELEBRATE Mother's Day with others. At first I felt kind of guilty that B & I didn't make plans to visit our own mothers or grandmothers this year. We planned ahead and sent them all flowers or gifts to make sure they knew we were thinking of them and appreciating them and honoring them, but now as this day draws closer, we don't really have to focus too much on it or draw much attention to it. It can be just another day for us. And honestly, it would have had to be a huge production for us as all of our family lives 2-4 hours away, so it would have been a weekend-long road-trip making multiple stops at several family gatherings. For us, no holidays are a simple "afternoon over at Grandma's" and Mother's Day would be no exception.
So this year, like last, we are staying home with our dogs and having a day together, just the 4 of us, doing whatever we want and not really directing any attention to the day at all. This is what's right for us right now. There is no telling what future holidays will bring, but for now, we will just be happy at home together and that's okay.
In regards to the above article, as it turns out, the author, Deborah S. Simmons, has been a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine for 15 years and is the co-owner of Partners in Healing of Minneapolis. I am originally from MN and most of my family is still there, so it's kind of neat to see that someone from the Twin Cities is writing for a cause and is such an expert in an area that I spend so much of my own time researching and thinking about. Kind of neat I think.
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