A Little Laughter to Ease the Pain of Mother's Day

For anyone dealing with infertility, Mother’s Day can be a very difficult day to cope with. In anticipation of tomorrow's holiday, I am reposting a 2011 blog post from the author of 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.

"Perhaps it would be just a bit easier if we could re-name the holiday to something that didn’t remind us of moms and babies. Here are some suggestions for re-naming Mother’s Day: 

• Women who are not on Clomid Day
• International working ovaries Day
• Bratty toddlers and their Mother’s Day
• Her loins really procreated Day
• Please don’t post your Mother’s Day photos on Facebook Day
• A vaginal and brunch celebration Day
• Sperm and egg conceived Day
• She ovulated Day
• Happy pre and post-menopausal Day
• Overpriced chocolates and flowers Day
• You’re not my real Mother Day

…or how about Mother’s and Mother’s-in-Waiting Day."

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These are pretty funny, and finding reasons to laugh about infertility does help to ease the pressure that this day brings.  This day can be a national reminder of everything we have wished for, lost, never had, worked for, despaired over, fought for and because of, and physically and emotionally hurt from.  This is something most of us feel every day, but on Mother's Day, a day when everyone else is happily celebrating their own mothers or children, the infertile can be overwhelmed by facing all of their experiences and feelings at once.  It can be too much.

An article by Deborah S. Simmons, PhD, LMFT published in the Spring 2013 RESOLVE newsletter and posted on their website suggests letting this day become "your own personal Empowerment Day."

As the article said, "For many who are undergoing fertility treatment and family building, this manufactured holiday can generate anxiety, dread, and anger. You want to be one of the people being celebrated, but you are not there yet.

...You may not feel that you have many choices about fertility treatment, but you absolutely do have choices about how you approach Mother's Day."

Rather than a day of “Why?” let this become a day of “How?” Ask yourself:

“How am I doing on my journey to parenting?”
“How do I need to change my perspective or treatment protocol?”
“How would I LIKE to spend the day?"

The article goes on to say:

"Let this be a decision day about where you are in your life, not just in your attempts to conceive. Let this be a day that is all about you. Embrace self-care as part of your quest to be a mother.

Did you know that you do not have to attend celebrations, even though you have been asked or even if someone demanded you attend? What would you like to do? Being honest does not make you Debbie Downer. It makes you human, and real, and a person. Here’s a truth—someone else may not like you making a different kind of decision, but you will do better. You have absolute permission to stay in bed the entire day, to cry, and to breathe.  

... You can also choose to engage in celebration of your own mother. This year, find a way to do so that fits with your love for her and for yourself. In whatever ways you choose to spend that day, empower yourself to be the beautiful person you were before your fertility journey began and the person you will be after your fertility challenges are resolved."

I'm glad to see that this article reinforces that it is okay to NOT CELEBRATE Mother's Day with others.  At first I felt kind of guilty that B & I didn't make plans to visit our own mothers or grandmothers this year.  We planned ahead and sent them all flowers or gifts to make sure they knew we were thinking of them and appreciating them and honoring them, but now as this day draws closer, we don't really have to focus too much on it or draw much attention to it.  It can be just another day for us.  And honestly, it would have had to be a huge production for us as all of our family lives 2-4 hours away, so it would have been a weekend-long road-trip making multiple stops at several family gatherings.  For us, no holidays are a simple "afternoon over at Grandma's" and Mother's Day would be no exception.  

So this year, like last, we are staying home with our dogs and having a day together, just the 4 of us, doing whatever we want and not really directing any attention to the day at all.  This is what's right for us right now.  There is no telling what future holidays will bring, but for now, we will just be happy at home together and that's okay.

In regards to the above article, as it turns out, the author, Deborah S. Simmons, has been a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine for 15 years and is the co-owner of Partners in Healing of Minneapolis.  I am originally from MN and most of my family is still there, so it's kind of neat to see that someone from the Twin Cities is writing for a cause and is such an expert in an area that I spend so much of my own time researching and thinking about.  Kind of neat I think.

Pregnancy Announcements

This post is dedicated to a list of everyone who has announced their pregnancy since we have have started TTC.  

I saw a similar post on another infertility blog and it made me feel like I wasn't so alone, so it inspired me to start writing again.  In case you couldn't tell, I've been in a funk the past 5 months and didn't have the will to blog.  I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things again because it really used to help me.

For reference, we have officially been trying since June 2010 (29 months total), though we haven't been preventing since September 2008 (a total of 50 months)... the date our Reproductive Endocrinologists care about.

These are in reverse-chronological order from the most recent pregnancy announcement to the first one after we began TTC.  I recommend starting at the bottom and reading back up to the top.

• Second Cousin- Found out on Facebook - in her defense, I don't think I've told her about our infertility struggle (added 10-28-12)
• College Roommate- It's sort of coming full circle right now as the first one on this list is also the last (see the last bullet point).
• Co-worker's wife- He (the co-worker), announced that he and his wife were expecting the same week that B & I thought we were finally pregnant.  Rather than feeling "stung" as I normally do when I hear such news, I was giddy & excited for him because I thought I'd be announcing the same news in a few months when we were out of the first trimester.  Again, I'll write a separate post about this later, as I mention below.  The whole thing makes things even harder to swallow than usual when he talks about he and his wife's pregnancy now.  This is #2 for them and they are due in April 2013.
• Relative- A close relative on my Dad's side sent me a private message on facebook to tell me she's expecting her fourth in February.  I was one of the first people she told, but she doesn't even know about my infertility.  It was nice to be one of the very first to know about her happy little secret, and because she didn't tell me in person I didn't feel obligated to tell her about what B & I are struggling with, I just got to absorb her news and for all she saw, I was just happy & ready to celebrate with her!
• Co-worker's daughter- "Grandma" is very proud and this high-risk pregnancy was all we heard about for months, though knowing my infertility struggles she was very thoughtful and did ask if her talking about her grandchildren made me uncomfortable.  I told her I was happy for her and wanted to celebrate with her... It gets a little tough sometimes but it IS nice to see things from another phase in the circle of life.
• Another co-worker- we held a joint baby shower for these two ladies.  Her daughter was born in April or May 2012... I get the two co-workers' birth dates mixed up.
• Co-worker- told me face-to-face she was expecting.  They hadn't been to an RE yet, but had been TTC for two years and were starting to wonder if maybe they were facing some infertility issues themselves, but thankfully finally got pregnant naturally on their own.  Her son was born in April or May 2012.
• Second Cousin- called to tell me she was pregnant right at about the time B & I had decided not to go through with the IVF.  I tried to show her that I was happy for her, but the timing couldn't have been worse so I fear I may have hurt her feelings because I wasn't very animated in my congratulations.  I tried to explain later (she didn't know about our infertility before this), and I hope she accepted my apology and understood that I truly am very happy for her.  Her daughter was born in July 2012.  Her brother & his wife also had a baby earlier this year.  A couple of our other second cousins had babies during the last two years as well.
• Another College Roommate- had read my blog and respecting my wishes, emailed me to tell me she was expecting.  I called her right away and told her (honestly) how happy I was for her.  I was touched that she had been reading this blog and was so sensitive to what I was going through.  Her precious daughter was born in July 2012.
• Wife of an Old Co-worker- He (my old co-worker) facebook messaged me to tell me they were expecting after years of miscarriages and infertility.  They were only 5 weeks along at the time.  Very sadly they lost the baby pretty far along into the pregnancy.
• Friend I Studied Abroad With- told me face-to-face that she was pregnant before she even heard the heartbeat.  I felt privileged to hear so early... and lucky, so I could absorb the news relatively discreetly before she told a larger group of people later that day.  Her son was born in April 2012.
• Friend from College- emailed me to let me know she was pregnant with twins after TTC for quite some time.  Her sons were born in October 2011.  Her little blessings give me hope.
• Another Friend from High School- I can't quite remember how she told me.  Might have been over the phone actually.  We are close enough that she knew about my infertility, but not so close anymore that I've even had a chance to meet her daughter yet.  Her DD was born in the September of 2011.
• Friend from High School- I found out on FB when everyone else did... with an ultrasound picture.  This was #2, her first was a son born a couple months after our wedding in 2009, and her daughter was born in August 2011.
• Another College Roommate- called me the day we found out we may have male factor infertility to tell me she was finally pregnant after about two years of TTC.  Her son was born in July 2011.
• Cousin-in-Law- After years of secondary infertility, my cousin & his wife welcomed their 2nd DD in July 2011.  I was elated with joy for them and found a great deal of inspiration from their strength, perseverance, and good fortune.
• BFF from High School- called to tell me she was pregnant six months after her wedding.  Her daughter was born November 2010.  Six months or so later she called me to tell me she was pregnant with again w/ #2!  Her second daughter was born in February 2012.
• Another College Roommate- called me to tell me she and her husband were expecting a few months before B & I started actively trying.  Her daughter was born in September 2010.  #2 was a son born almost a week and a half ago, October 2012.  He was born around the same time that our baby would have been due if we'd gone through with the IVF and it had been successful.
• College Roommate- This was the first of my college crew to have a baby.  I think she called me to tell me, though it could have been an email.... but I do think she called.  She announced her pregnancy before we officially started trying in June 2010, but half of her pregnancy spilled into those first few months we were TTC so she was high on my radar at that time.  Her daughter was born in August 2010.  She just emailed me a week or two ago that they are now due with #2 & due in late April 2013... shortly before we would have been due if we had been correct when we were convinced we were pregnant a couple months ago (I haven't been able to bring myself to blog about this devastating event yet, but think I will be ready very soon).

Some of these people have gone through a lot of loss and heartache on their journey to have a child and others' stories have not ended well.  Of course, I am happy for all of these people but it has really put into perspective how long we have been trying. The list could go on and on but these are the people who came to mind first. 

It's a strange feeling when you've heard so many annoucements after trying for over 2 years. You would think I'd be numb to it by now... but no, it's still a little slap in the face every single time.  A little sting of sadness.  Just another reminder of how long we've been at this.  I don't know if it will ever get easier.  Ten months ago, we were gearing up for our 1st IVF and were worried we would have too many implanted embryos...HA!  I hope one day we can be expecting our baby, but the more time that goes by, the less I believe that day will be anytime soon.

A week spent caring for other people's children

Yep, I spent a little over a week doing daycare for 6 kids from ages 4 months up to 6 years old.  After the first day of it, I went to visit Mom in her hospital room and she asked if I was managing ok… given my sensitivity about babies and kids right now.

The truth was, I didn’t have too big of a problem caring for other people’s kids despite the fact that we’re trying so unsuccessfully hard to have our own right now.  Believe it or not, the 4-month-old baby was the best part of the whole thing.  You’d think that would be the hardest because it’s so close to the one thing I want most right now.  But I guess I’ve just always loved babies and kids and going home to my Mom’s and helping with (or in this case… doing it solo) daycare still feels good, like I’m getting my “baby fix.”

For me, caring for and spending time with children is not like hearing about other people brag or complain about their children on Facebook.  It’s completely different when you are doing something active with a child, and you know you are doing something important, or valuable, or needed.  When you are making a difference, really helping, you connect with the child and it’s not about you.  It’s not about what that child’s parents have and you don’t.

Rather, it's about what that child needs right now and what you can do about it.  And like everything else in life, practical experience teaches you, and you learn how to be better in the future.  I figure my life-long-learning experiences with children will make me be the most amazing mother someday, when our time finally comes.  I mean, how many other women have had THIS MUCH experience with kids before becoming a parent themselves?  Plenty, I’m sure (teachers, nurses, daycare providers, etc), but not many that I personally know of in my peer group – so I’d like to continue believing that this makes me special and I’ll be a super-mom because I so-patiently-waited for such a long time. J

Anyway, it gives me comfort and satisfaction to connect with a child.  I feel validated when I successfully soothe a child, make them feel better, or teach them something.  I feel like I am right to want a child of my own.  I feel like I will be good at being a mother someday.  I feel like all this wishing, hoping, frustration, angst, despair is all worth it.  Because in the end, this is something really important to who I am.  And after all this time and after all these hurdles… it’s still who I want to be.

That, and rocking a baby to sleep always has been and always will be my favorite thing to do, ever.

A Change Has Taken Place

Sorry I have been MIA lately.  Nothing new has really happened on the infertility front lately so I didn't have much to report.  


Three weeks ago my cousin's baby was born (Madeline Lee....I'm obsessed with baby names!), and later that week my best friend had her second daughter, Kylee Shae.  It's been a rocky couple of week for Kylee's family as she was (I believe) 6 weeks premature and at only 1.5 weeks they brought her back to the hospital because she had contracted RSV, which can be fatal in premies.  It's been a scary couple weeks for my friend, and I feel so much sympathy for her.


One might think that things would be hard for me lately, what with the babies being born and now all the hospital updates.  Rather, I just feel concern for my friend and her daughter.  I spent last weekend with another very close, very pregnant friend, and I had the best time talking with her about baby names and shower gifts.  Another one of my best friend's husband just posted a picture on facebook of her 18 weeks "belly pop" picture, and all I thought was, "She's so cute!!!"  Another friend who has a 8 month old emailed me to warn me she'd posting some pictures of her son on FB.  I was so grateful for the heads up, but when they were posted, I truly enjoyed looking at them and seeing how fast he's growing up.


I guess what I'm getting at (and this relates back to the title of the post), is that something inside me has changed.  Only a little bit, but there has still definitely been a change in me.  I'm less bitter, less angry, less sad.  Don't get me wrong, there are still twinges.  I still feel like I get smacked in the face once in a while with baby news.  But for the most part, I'm not walking around feeling like a defective excuse for a woman.


Here's when it happened:


I started reading about choosing to live "child free."  I prefer this term over childless, because it is more empowering.  If after a few more years of TTC through various methods, we decide we need to stop, then I'd prefer to choose to stop, and not feel like I was forced too.


I started thinking about what this would mean and I kind of liked some aspects of it.

1. More money & freedom to travel, the one activity that makes both B and I the happiest.  The picture at the top of this post is us on our honeymoon in Greece in 2009.
2. Earlier retirement because we won't need as much money to support anyone but ourselves.
3. Smaller house & cars to pay for, and no worries over what school district we live in or how to pay for the college years.
4. No daycare, diapers, kids clothes or baby furnishings to pay for.
5. More sleep and free time for ourselves & our hobbies.
6. More time and attention for our dogs, maybe even enough so that we could get a third in a few years!
7. No teenagers to stress over.
8. Opportunity to become really close with any future nieces & nephews & be the "cool" aunt & uncle.

Of course there are many downsides to living child-free, but I think and talk about those all the time so I won't get into them here.  This post is about opening the door to new possibilities.

I'm not saying I don't want kids anymore.  I'm not saying that B and I aren't still going to do everything reasonable in our power to TTC.  All I'm saying is that if the stars do not align for us to have children, I'm starting to think about ways & situations in which I may be able to accept that.  

I think that's really important because in 2-3 years, if we're still not pregnant, and are not in a financial position to afford IVF, I may need to be prepared to face the fact that we may not be the kind of people in this society who are able to move earth and sun to make a baby.  We are middle class people from middle class backgrounds with a lot of student loan debt and our health insurance doesn't cover it.  We may be able to do it, but I can't count on it right now.  So I've decided not to think about it anymore.  I've just tucked it in the back of my mind and am trying to focus on the here and now.

We're doing B's surgery in 3 weeks, and we plan to give that a couple of years  to reap it's full benefits.  We may throw a few more IUI's in the mix during that time, but other than that, no thoughts of IVF or anything until we've given this a real chance.  So, I've decided to let go for at least a year, and focus on other things, and see what happens.  So far, it's been feeling great :)

And I thought last week was rough!

So last week I posted about what a hard time I had preparing for 3 baby showers for the weekend.  Not that I was sad about it, but that it was just mentally taxing for me to spend that much time planning gifts, shopping in the baby section of stores, and picking out thoughtful cards for my friends and coworkers on one of the most memorable events of their lives.


The two coworkers' baby showers last Friday went really well.  I made homemade chex mix the night before as my snack to pass, I wrapped their gifts and signed their cards.  Before the shower I helped to decorate and set up the room.  During the party itself I had a great time socializing with the professors and staff that I work with, and any anxiety I had about the gifts I'd picked out went right out the window when the Moms-to-be squealed with delight and thanked me for my cute gifts!


B and I went out with some old friends that were in town over the weekend on Friday night.  I was kind of tired but we haven't seen them in years and I wanted to catch up with them, so we went and had a great time.  I was able to eat a vegan meal and enjoyed one specialty cocktail.  It really was fun and we all had a great time reminiscing about when we all lived in La Crosse and worked together, back in the early days of my & B's relationship.  It was fun to see that people just fundamentally don't change.  They may grow up, but they are still the same people that they always were, deep down.


Saturday we were supposed to get up, take the dogs to a dog park, and then drive down to IL for a "couples shower" for some of our closest friends.  Only I couldn't do it.  Not because I was "having a rough week," but because I woke up with the worst migraine I've had in over 3 years!  I stayed in bed until 2pm, when we were supposed to leave for the party, but it was still so bad that I had to text my friends and tell them I couldn't make it.  I stayed in bed and slept on and off that entire day.


I am really afraid that all our friends probably think we didn't show because I "couldn't take it."  To be honest, a small part of me did wonder if maybe the migraine was brought on by all the stress of the past week, preparing for all these baby events.  But if that was the case, you'd think that once we decided not to go to the party, you'd think my migraine would have subsided. Not the case.  It continued into the next day and I had to miss out on my father-in-law's birthday party too!  My entire body was starting to ache at this point and I started to worry that I was getting really sick.


Monday I woke up and my throat was sore, I still had the severe headache, and all my joints ached.  B worried I was coming down with influenza.  I had to call in sick to work which always causes a lot of stress when you come back, and I had to reschedule 2 meetings because of it, disrupting everyone else's schedule, not just my own!  Tuesday the sore throat was gone, but my head still hurt, so I took one more day off of work.  At least I know none of this could have been because of a baby shower!


Wednesday I was still weak but went back to work.  Found out my cousin and his wife had their baby.  I'm happy for them, but not really something I was super excited to read about first thing in the morning after emerging from my sick-cave.  It was like I left the real world in the midst of 3 baby showers, went into my hibernation cave for 4 days while recovering from whatever weird illness I'd picked up, and when I emerged afterward, I got smacked in the face with a birth announcement.  I know I'm hypersensitive to all things Baby right now, but I think anyone would agree that this stuff is pretty blatantly surrounding me right now, right? Right?


While I'm at work, I learn that my coworker was out Monday and Tuesday too, with the exact same thing, and it had also started for her with a severe headache on Saturday as well!  Maybe it was something we ate at the baby shower on Friday?  B said the secretary at his work had something similar last week too, so perhaps something weird is going around.


AF arrived last night.  I wasn't expecting her until today, but still pretty much on time.  Like clockwork.  Always like clockwork.  I have a normal 26 day cycle, ovulate on days 14-16, get all the appropriate signs in my body for each  phase of my cycle, and yet I can not get pregnant.  So frustrating.


Woke up this morning and found out my best friend down in AZ is in the hospital and they are going to deliver her baby today.  She wasn't due until April 1st.  She is only 34.5 weeks along.  My very first reaction was, "oh, no, not another premie."  Her firstborn came way to early as well.  I'm so worried about my friend and her baby.  Everything worked out fine last time.  My friend was fine, and the baby miraculously was absolutely fine as well, didn't need any kind of support or anything!  I hope it works out the same way this time, but I'll be worried about them until I hear more news.


Guess I should have picked up a little something for this friend after all when I was out shopping last week!

Rough Week (Baby Showers Galore)

This is a picture of children's books that I collected at the library conference I attended in Dallas last month.  I discovered last year that you can find newly released books, sometimes signed by the others, at really good prices in the exhibitor's hall.  I picked up a few last year and gave them away as baby shower gifts so quickly that I ran out by Christmas.  I decided to really stock up this time around since so many babies are on the way this year.


I've got baby showers for 3 babies this weekend.  Two tomorrow (Friday) and one for a close friend on Saturday.  I was actually starting to get kind of excited for these showers when I went out shopping on Monday to pick up cards, wrap/bags, and a little something to go with the book or two I'll give each baby-on-the-way.  That is, until I got completely overwhelmed.


First I picked up some outfits, and the cards, and the gift bags.  I was doing good.  Then I remembered that another friend had had her second baby last Fall & I never sent a little gift because I was out of books, so I thought I'd send her one of the many you see in the picture above, but then I'd need a card, so I went back to pick one up.


While I was at it, I thought I should think ahead and pick up a card for another close friend who lives far away but is due with her second child in April, & I'd want to send a gift when the baby arrives.  So I had to pick out a really thoughtful card to go with the book I'd send.  But then I thought she was such a good friend, I should go pick out a little outfit or something too, so I went back over to the baby section...again.


Then I remembered that my husband's cousin in Germany just had their second child, and we should at least send them a card.  One of my books wouldn't really do since it would be all in English though, so I should pick out another outfit or blankie or something.  I picked out a sleeper and then went back to the cards...again.


Well then I remembered that another friend just announced her pregnancy and would probably be having some kind of shower soon, so I should just get it all taken care of while I was at it, because who knew how emotional I'd be in the future, and it would be nice to just have it all done now.  As I walked back to the baby area it dawned on me that I don't know the sex of this baby.  In fact, it's all so new that the mother might not even know the sex yet.  Anything I picked up now would not be very personal for such a close friend.  I decided I really needed to stop and just go home.  The anxiety was setting in.


My bill came to $58 and that's when the husband called warning me not to spend too much.  Really?  REALLY?  I needed 3, count them 3 shower gifts, cards, and wrapping, plus cards for 3 more babies, not to mention another two on the way this summer that I wasn't even worrying about yet!  Plus, it was all I could do to muster the strength to spend over an hour weeding through baby clothes, blankies, toys, bibs, etc., and now he was lecturing me about spending too much money on this project?!?  I was annoyed to say the least.


Plus, when I got home, I remembered that my cousin is due this summer too, and there will surely be a family baby shower for her soon too.


So that was all earlier in the week and kind of left me feeling anxious about everything coming up this weekend.  I'm feeling like I spent too much, like I should go to the dollar store to get cards and wrapping and return the stuff I got at Target.  I have to make snacks to pass and I don't have the energy to shop for and cook anything tonight plus work out with my workout buddy, but I don't want to buy some cheap processed junk food either.


Oh, and guess what? My co-worker just told me her daughter who has endo just got pregnant... one week after going off the pill.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this pain on anyone and I'm super happy for them that they didn't have to struggle with infertility like they assumed they would, but seriously?  Someone who went into TTC knowing they'd have trouble get's knocked up right away?  And we, who've been off the pill for 3.5 years and TTC for 1.5 years have no babies and no answers?  Come on!


I know this is kind of a whiny "ranting" post, but it's my blog and this is one of the things I created it for: getting my feelings out in a safe place.  I can't always walk around optimistic and hopeful and seeing the silver lining in things.  Sometimes I just want to vent.  That way, I can clear my head, put on a smiley face again, and go have fun at these showers this weekend.  Which, by the way, really are going to be fun.  I love party food and the one on Saturday will have many of my closest friends coming from all over a tri-state area, so I am super excited to hang out & spend time with everyone, not to mention dote on the parents-to-be who are going to be AMAZING parents and I can't wait to meet their little guy :)

I Guess Kids are Part of Every Stage of Life

I travelled safely home from Dallas earlier this week.  I was so excited to see B & the furkids when I got home!  B had cleaned the entire apartment for me so I'd have a nice clean home to return to.  He even changed the sheets the day I got home so I'd have fresh bedding to sleep in!  It's good to count blessings like these so you can lean on them when times get tough.

On the flight home I sat next to a grandmother from a smaller city up north.  She was very nice and very talkative.  Unfortunately for me, she had just been down to Tulsa to stay with her son and his family.  His family with three children plus a newborn baby.  She was there for two and a half weeks.  Oh boy.  You'd think that since I wasn't sitting next to a young woman in her twenties or thirties I'd be saved from the dreaded topic of babies coming up for once.

She went on and on about how much fun she had babysitting while she sent her son and his wife out for the evening because "they really needed it."  She complained about what a poor mother her daughter-in-law is because she can't stay off her iPhone long enough to help get the older kids ready for school in the morning.

This poor, wonderful, happy little grandmother had no clue that I've been reeling from the pain of infertility lately.  She couldn't have known that I had just cancelled an IVF cycle less than two weeks ago, which in my mind equals my best chance at a baby this year.  And you know what, she wouldn't have had a clue about any of it from her conversation with me either.

Why not?  Because I was genuinely interested in what she had to say and was sincerely pleased to have met her and listened to what she was talking about.  I wasn't just being polite.  It's crazy to me that after everything I have gone through and am continuing to go through, when push comes to shove, I can still be just as interested in the topic of children, motherhood, and families as I ever was.

Kids and family life are just such a strong part of who I am, that I guess I can compartmentalize my own pain over infertility from my personal interest in a stranger's family life.  Weird.

It gives me hope though.  It demonstrates that infertility doesn't define me (as a good friend recently reminded me), and so if I am ever able to move beyond it (whether that be through a child or acceptance of what cannot be), I will still be the same person inside that I always was.  Someone who loves kids and wants to talk about baby names and nursery decor and child development & learning, and discipline (that's a big one!).

So to the little grandma out there, thank you for sharing your happiness and stories with me.  You gave me more than good company to make the flight go by faster.  You showed me that there is light not only at the end of the tunnel, but also in the midst of the darkness.  I just have to keep my eyes open so I can see it.

Why Facebook is Not Always My Friend

In my recent posts: How to be Sensitive with your Infertile Friend and How to Tell Me You're Pregnant, I kept promising to write a separate post about why Facebook is such a double edged sword for people suffering with infertility.  

This was kind of a tricky one to write about, because its so difficult to explain what infertiles experience on Facebook in a way that doesn't make pregnant women and parents feel defensive about frequently posting about ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures.  Its not like their is any easy way to ask women to temper their enthusiasm on Facebook if they want to be mindful of their infertile friends' feelings.  People can get really offended when it comes to their kids.

But, just as the intention of the two posts referenced above was to offer suggestions of how anyone can be sensitive to friends or family that they know are struggling with infertility, this too is an important post written in the same spirit.  I will try to explain what the infertiles go through, in effort to help others understand why what they write on their own Facebook walls can cause pain.

Before Facebook, infertile women could try to avoid pregnant people at work or social gatherings, limiting their exposure to triggers of bitterness or jealousy.  But that was when friendships were forged in person.  

Now, with millions  of people connecting on Facebook, infertiles can feel trapped.  If we detach from the social media networks (some people call it taking a vacation from Facebook for a while, or going on a Facebook Diet for your mental health), we may lose touch with our supportive network of friends and family.  We also can lose connections and updates from helpful resources, networks, and forums.  But if we choose to continue using Facebook, we are unable to avoid its frequent reminders - ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures - of what might elude us forever.

Here is a hilarious example of what Facebook can look like to an infertile: (from a little pregnant)

Several people have suggested that I "hide" a person's updates in my news feed, if they become pregnant and their posts are too difficult for me to bear.  I have an issue with that.  If they are an acquaintance, fine, that's a good idea, but I'll probably never remember to go back and "unhide" them, so I'll have pretty much lost touch with them, and in that case, what's really the point of being Facebook friends anymore?

If they are a close friend, I have a serious problem with hiding them.  I probably won't forget to unhide them later, but that will be at least six to eight months of being completely out of touch with them on one of my main communication mediums.  If they do have anything else going on in there lives besides their pregnancy, I'll miss out on it.  

And if I do ever go to their page to catch up, I'll still be bombarded with all the stuff I was trying to avoid by hiding them in the first place.  Ok, you say, "just don't go on their page until their pregnancy is born."  Even if I decide to cut myself off completely from a hidden pregnant friend, I'm still going to see her posts on other friend's walls, with her baby bump or ultrasound profile picture, not to mention whatever baby-related things she may or may not be talking about in the post itself.

Even if you do hide all pregnant people as soon as you see that first announcement (close friends & acquaintances alike), it's not going to solve the problem.  The real issue is that you never know it's going to happen until you log in and there it is, at the top of your news feed again. Someone you knew in high school has posted her first ultrasound photo, a cousin has announced her two pink lines, someone who's infertility blog you've been following for a year has posted about her baby’s heartbeat, and you begin to cringe.  What you were expecting to be a quick glance through your personal Facebook feed has now rocked your day and left you staring at an unexpected pregnancy announcement.


And it doesn't end there.  I won't even get into all the "Mom Meme" posts like the one below, but  this is an example of why just hiding someone while they are pregnant doesn't solve the problem.  The pain goes on forever if parents are not sensitive to the way their posts continue to affect infertile friends and family.

The truth is,there's no shortage of people who feel pain while scrolling through Facebook: Chronically single people may envy friends' wedding pictures, for instance.  There have actually been several articles & blog posts about a Harvard business blog writer's post arguing that show that Facebook may be bad for your mental health.  There was also a research study done out of Standford recently on the same topic.


So, while many many many infertile women have bemoaned the confliction we experience on Facebook nearly every time we visit the site, we may have very well have caused similar pain for other people about other topics on Facebook.  But here's the difference, engagement announcements rarely come out of the blue.  If  a single woman's friend gets engaged, she probably saw it coming and was able to slowly prepare for it as their friend dated and got serious in their relationship.  Pregnancy announcements are different because most of the time, you don’t know when your friends are ovulating or if they’re trying to procreate.  Pregnancy announcements can come at 5 weeks or they can come when the person is 6 months along — you just never know.


Anyway, I'm hoping that this can begin to explain what infertile women are feeling about Facebook.  I'm not posting about this topic with the intent of getting others to change what they post on their own wall.  Rather, I'm just trying to create awareness, and if it leads some people who know people they are close to are suffering from infertility decide to use a little bit of a filter or censorship before posting every little detail of their pregnancy on Facebook because they would like to be sensitive to their friends' pain, then I'm proud to have helped them.


But more important than filtering yourself or exercising circumspection before posting your updates, is communicating with your infertile friend.  Acknowledge her pain, acknowledge your discomfort with the situation your pregnancy is causing to you to experience in your relationship with her (if there is discomfort), and ask her what she needs from you so you can continue to support her through her pain, while she supports your happiness.  


She may ask you to make a few concessions for her, or she may let you know that she needs to hide you for a while.  Whatever the case may be, please don't take it personally.  You already did the right thing by being a supportive friend and opening the line of communication with her, and she is lucky to have you in her support network.




A few other blog posts and articles (there are many, many more out there!) about infertiles and Facebook:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402856.html
http://chronichealing.com/facebook-fertility-fallout/
http://www.fertilityauthority.com/comment/1011172
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/11/facebook-status-updates-and-infertility/
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/why-your-infertile-friends-may-be-hiding-you-from-their-facebook-feed-2407307.html
http://adeaconswife.com/2010/10/26/the-pain-of-infertility-and-facebook-envy/

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/baby-face.html

Even at conferences

Babies.  Man, they are EVERYWHERE!  They are inescapable, even at academic and professional conferences.


Last week, at an academic conference for faculty, instructors, and university administrators, sure enough, there was a professor there with her toddler and nanny, all eating breakfast together like one happy family.  Granted, this professor was older, having already been tenured and teaching in the field for 15 years or so, but still, she brought her kid to the conference.  I wonder if she struggled with infertility at all, being that she is older with such a young child?  It's kind of sick how I feel like I'm always on the search for secret infertility stories now.  It's like I'm trying to find others, anyone, who is like me.  Like I'm looking for "my people" or like I'm part of some kind of club that nobody wants to be a member of.


Now I'm at a professional conference, for working practitioners.  Watch out!  Everywhere you turn there is a huge pregnant belly about to swing around and hit you.  There is a woman breast feeding her child over here, another pushing a stroller over there, and if you look over in the dining area there is a woman changing her baby's diaper on the table... without a changing pad... ewwwwwe!


And that's just among my peers.  There was a screaming kid across from me on the plain down here.   He was probably about three.  He screamed and kicked and cried and what did his mother do?  She put her head down with her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, over and over again!  Geez, if you are going to travel with your kid, exercise  some discipline people!  This woman had no business travelling with her son if she can't be the parent and handle his tantrums.  When he'd quiet down for a bit, she'd ask if he wanted to go get ice cream when they got off the plain?  Not as a tactic to bribe him to be quiet, but just to change the subject!  She was freakin' rewarding his bad behavior!  This is what I mean by my previous post about why I'll be a better mother.