In my recent posts: How to be Sensitive with your Infertile Friend and How to Tell Me You're Pregnant, I kept promising to write a separate post about why Facebook is such a double edged sword for people suffering with infertility.
This was kind of a tricky one to write about, because its so difficult to explain what infertiles experience on Facebook in a way that doesn't make pregnant women and parents feel defensive about frequently posting about ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures. Its not like their is any easy way to ask women to temper their enthusiasm on Facebook if they want to be mindful of their infertile friends' feelings. People can get really offended when it comes to their kids.
But, just as the intention of the two posts referenced above was to offer suggestions of how anyone can be sensitive to friends or family that they know are struggling with infertility, this too is an important post written in the same spirit. I will try to explain what the infertiles go through, in effort to help others understand why what they write on their own Facebook walls can cause pain.
Before Facebook, infertile women could try to avoid pregnant people at work or social gatherings, limiting their exposure to triggers of bitterness or jealousy. But that was when friendships were forged in person.
Now, with millions of people connecting on Facebook, infertiles can feel trapped. If we detach from the social media networks (some people call it taking a vacation from Facebook for a while, or going on a Facebook Diet for your mental health), we may lose touch with our supportive network of friends and family. We also can lose connections and updates from helpful resources, networks, and forums. But if we choose to continue using Facebook, we are unable to avoid its frequent reminders - ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures - of what might elude us forever.
Here is a hilarious example of what Facebook can look like to an infertile: (from a little pregnant)
Several people have suggested that I "hide" a person's updates in my news feed, if they become pregnant and their posts are too difficult for me to bear. I have an issue with that. If they are an acquaintance, fine, that's a good idea, but I'll probably never remember to go back and "unhide" them, so I'll have pretty much lost touch with them, and in that case, what's really the point of being Facebook friends anymore?
If they are a close friend, I have a serious problem with hiding them. I probably won't forget to unhide them later, but that will be at least six to eight months of being completely out of touch with them on one of my main communication mediums. If they do have anything else going on in there lives besides their pregnancy, I'll miss out on it.
And if I do ever go to their page to catch up, I'll still be bombarded with all the stuff I was trying to avoid by hiding them in the first place. Ok, you say, "just don't go on their page until their pregnancy is born." Even if I decide to cut myself off completely from a hidden pregnant friend, I'm still going to see her posts on other friend's walls, with her baby bump or ultrasound profile picture, not to mention whatever baby-related things she may or may not be talking about in the post itself.
Even if you do hide all pregnant people as soon as you see that first announcement (close friends & acquaintances alike), it's not going to solve the problem. The real issue is that you never know it's going to happen until you log in and there it is, at the top of your news feed again. Someone you knew in high school has posted her first ultrasound photo, a cousin has announced her two pink lines, someone who's infertility blog you've been following for a year has posted about her baby’s heartbeat, and you begin to cringe. What you were expecting to be a quick glance through your personal Facebook feed has now rocked your day and left you staring at an unexpected pregnancy announcement.
And it doesn't end there. I won't even get into all the "Mom Meme" posts like the one below, but this is an example of why just hiding someone while they are pregnant doesn't solve the problem. The pain goes on forever if parents are not sensitive to the way their posts continue to affect infertile friends and family.
So, while many many many infertile women have bemoaned the confliction we experience on Facebook nearly every time we visit the site, we may have very well have caused similar pain for other people about other topics on Facebook. But here's the difference, engagement announcements rarely come out of the blue. If a single woman's friend gets engaged, she probably saw it coming and was able to slowly prepare for it as their friend dated and got serious in their relationship. Pregnancy announcements are different because most of the time, you don’t know when your friends are ovulating or if they’re trying to procreate. Pregnancy announcements can come at 5 weeks or they can come when the person is 6 months along — you just never know.
Anyway, I'm hoping that this can begin to explain what infertile women are feeling about Facebook. I'm not posting about this topic with the intent of getting others to change what they post on their own wall. Rather, I'm just trying to create awareness, and if it leads some people who know people they are close to are suffering from infertility decide to use a little bit of a filter or censorship before posting every little detail of their pregnancy on Facebook because they would like to be sensitive to their friends' pain, then I'm proud to have helped them.
But more important than filtering yourself or exercising circumspection before posting your updates, is communicating with your infertile friend. Acknowledge her pain, acknowledge your discomfort with the situation your pregnancy is causing to you to experience in your relationship with her (if there is discomfort), and ask her what she needs from you so you can continue to support her through her pain, while she supports your happiness.
She may ask you to make a few concessions for her, or she may let you know that she needs to hide you for a while. Whatever the case may be, please don't take it personally. You already did the right thing by being a supportive friend and opening the line of communication with her, and she is lucky to have you in her support network.
A few other blog posts and articles (there are many, many more out there!) about infertiles and Facebook:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402856.html
http://chronichealing.com/facebook-fertility-fallout/
http://www.fertilityauthority.com/comment/1011172
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/11/facebook-status-updates-and-infertility/
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/why-your-infertile-friends-may-be-hiding-you-from-their-facebook-feed-2407307.html
http://adeaconswife.com/2010/10/26/the-pain-of-infertility-and-facebook-envy/
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