I have my first hater

Image from Taro the Shiba's Creative Commons Flickr Account

Two weeks ago I posted about "how to be sensitive" with an infertile friend.  That post got a lot of traffic and seems to have stuck a chord with many of my readers.

One reader, was so moved by the post that she actually posted it to her own Facebook wall, commenting that anyone who knows someone struggling with infertility should read the post I wrote.

Now, I've always known that not everyone is comfortable with IVF, or really event ART in general for that matter.  In fact, I witnessed second-hand how cruel people can be in comments of the photo-journalism piece I posted the link to last week.  Those commenters were calling her selfish, telling her to adopt, and all sorts of awful things.

So I knew those people were out there, I just never imagined that by going public with mine & B's struggle, we'd be experiencing this kind of ignorance and cruelty ourselves.

Read the Facebook messages below to see what one of my reader's "friends" posted on her wall after she linked to my blog post (sorry for the screwy formatting in the cut & paste job):

A shared a link.

January 19

If you know someone struggling with infertility, I highly suggest you read this post. It will help you know how to be sensitive. It was written by my cousin-in-law and I'm so so proud of her!http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/2012/01/image-from-older-post-on-faint-lines-i.html

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    N: Good article...thanks for posting, Amy! One thought I had about the whole facebook thing...to set their own pace on your news, they can always hide your statuses from their newsfeed...then you can still celebrate with others your joys and concerns and they can check at their own will.
    

    January 19 at 8:27pm ·  ·  1
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    B: I'm so not a fan of this article!
    

    January 19 at 9:28pm via mobile · 
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    A: Why B?
    

    January 19 at 10:37pm · 
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    B: Well do you feel guilty after reading this article for sharing the joys of pregnancy on your facebook or blog? A baby is a precious miracle and should be celebrated. No it is not fair for some but thats life. I feel awful for those with infertility problems and I wish there was never such a thing however when those people do find themselves pregnant do the rules change for them? Are they able to freely share their concerns, questions, excitement with whom they want because they struggled? Can they proudly post pictures of their ultrasounds without sensor? It just comes across as very selfish. I would hope that I would always be the friend with a shoulder to cry on no matter the struggles in my own life.
    

    Friday at 8:23am · 
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    A: Infertility is a tricky thing & it's really hard to explain it to people who have never had to endure it. The writer agrees that it's a selfish way and that infertiles are hypersensitive, but when you're in that much emotional pain, you can't exactly turn it off. It's not that you aren't happy for that person, you are, but you are also sad for yourself at the same time. Does that make sense? The longer the infertility goes on, the harder and harder it is to be happy for others & the more and more bitter you become. I remember when I had just miscarried Haven & I was at Target. The woman in front of me was buying all kinds of baby stuff & she & the clerk were happily talking about how the mom had already had the baby & this was for the shower & how everyone was so happy & doing so great. When it was my turn to get up to the counter, the clerk unknowingly said, "There's been an awful lot of baby showers lately! Must be in the air!" It took everything inside of me not to lose it right in the middle of Target. It wasn't the clerk's fault, or the woman buying the baby gifts, or the women who had the baby for that matter, but I was bitter & upset. Why does everyone else get a child & I don't? There needs to be a mutual line of respect amongst the pregnant & the infertiles. A lot of pregnant people can be more sensitive to the people struggling (for examle: don't treat them differently, don't NOT tell them you're pregnant, don't complain about your pregnancy to them, don't NOT invite them to the baby shower) and infertiles can be more sensitive to the person who is pregnant (for example: not make them feel guilty about being pregnant, etc). As far as social media goes, I like Nikki 'Burmeister' Harrison advice above. It gives the infertiles control of what they can handle, while allowing the preggos to freely share.
    

    Friday at 8:37am ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: If you read the blog post in it's original context, it was written in response to another post about the "former infertiles" that go on to enjoy successful pregnancies and births as Brooke referenced above. The content of the post was specifically asked for by the readers, and was intended as a list of suggestion for how these women who walk with one foot in both worlds can be sensitive to the sisters left behind, still struggling with infertility.
    
    The reason why this group is specifically targeted is because they are aware of what the other women around them are feeling, so now they have a choice to make about how they communicate their joy to the world around them, which they could choose to base on how they once felt when it seemed everyone else around them was pregnant. Women who have never experienced infertility and have never been close to someone struggling with infertility cannot be blamed for posting their happy news on FB. It's the ones who are aware that carry the burden of whether or not to be sensitive to others around them.
    
    I know plenty of women who have not struggled with infertility and still don't plaster FB with pregnancy related news and pictures all the time. There can be a graceful balance.
    

    Saturday at 11:04pm ·  ·  1
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    B: Yes but this article also states: This message is actually for ALL pregnant women, not just former infertiles.
    

    17 hours ago ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: Fair enough, you have a point, it does say that.
    
    But I think the heart of the story is not really about what you may or may not have gone through in the past, but more so how to be sensitive around close friends or family that you know are suffering from infertility right now. Of course it is any person's right to post anything they want on their own FB page, but maybe if they know someone that they are worried about hurting, this post can offer ways to help them understand where their friend is coming from, emotionally. And perhaps offer ways to help them deal with the situation.
    
    I think the key point in the post is that communication is important. If you know someone you care about is in pain for any reason, not just infertility, the kind and supportive thing to do is to try to be mindful of how your own actions might affect them, and have open communication with them about your concern for them.
    
    You are also right that every pregnancy and child is a beautiful gift that should be celebrated. Infertility throws an unwanted kink in the mix, but as you also said, that's life. Infertility not only affects those who suffer from it, but the other people in their life whom they are close to. This post offers suggestions on how to help 
    people that we might care about who are in pain, get to a place where they can celebrate with the rest of us. Because as A said, it's not that they are not happy for you, they are conflicted by their desire to express their happiness for you despite the fact that it is a reminder of their sadness for themselves.

I think I handled it pretty well, but what you read in my 'anonymous' Facebook responses (I never came clean as the author, though I don't mind if she knows/finds out), isn't an accurate reflection of my true first reactions.

I read what she wrote about not liking the "article" and I wondered where this was heading.  She talked about a baby being a precious miracle and thought to myself, "Duh! Why does she think I want one so bad?"  I read what she wrote about feeling bad for people with infertility but, "that's life" and I wanted to punch the computer screen.  I read that she called me selfish and I started to cry.

I thought about blogging about this incident right away, but I sat on it for a while.  I had a really hard time sleeping that night because I took all her comments so personally.  Here I thought I was writing a blog to reach out to those who cared about me and what B & I are going through, and this stranger barged into my safe space and attacked me!

But then I thought about it some more.

I was the one who had aired out all my dirty laundry, in a public space, and invited trusted friends and relatives to view it.  I am the one who not only decided to leave the settings as public, but to post it to other infertility forums and blogs that I follow.  I am the one who stated very clearly that if my blog has the added benefit of helping others struggling from infertility who happen to stumble across it, that I would be proud.  I am the one who brought this upon myself.

Not only did I decide to "be public," but this hater didn't step into my space.  She had posted on her own friend's Facebook wall.  She could have commented on my blog post, but she didn't.  She wasn't attacking me directly, she was sharing her feelings about a topic that her mind had nothing to do with me as a person because she doesn't even know me.  She was talking to her own friend about an issue she has had personal experiences with, and thusly has her own perspective on.

Turns out this woman has been attacked by an infertile before.  From what I've gathered, she had a friend who was struggling from infertility in the past and really lashed out at her just for being pregnant.  If that is your first encounter with the sad reality of infertility, I can understand why reading my post about how to be sensitive with these people would come across as selfish.  She was probably wondering where the 'article' on infertiles being sensitive with pregnant women was!

I'm not upset anymore, though there was a lot more I would have liked to have said to this woman.  From what I've learned about her, it doesn't sound like trying to explain my feelings or experiences would change her perspective or ignorance very much.  She has had other close friends struggling from infertility since that first incident and never been very sensitive to their condition.  She says at the bottom of her rant that she hoped she'd always be a shoulder to lean on (or whatever) to her friends no matter what.  It doesn't sound like that is really the case for her at all.  I'm sure a lecture from a perfect stranger isn't going to work any better to change her ways.

If she'd continued to read my blog though, she'd know that no, as far as I'm concerned, the rules don't change once an infertile gets pregnant.  In fact, that's what the original post spoke to, former infertiles!  And at the bottom of my blog post, I said that I hoped if I ever became a mother I would look back on this blog post and remember how to be sensitive to those I was leaving behind, and continue to support them and advocate for them.  I still hope I will have the strength, willpower, self-control, and grace to do so.