It's kind of crazy, but I just caught myself wondering last night, where the last year of my life went? I was thinking about how I started a new job about this time last year (I suppose having to submit my first annual self-evaluation last week contributed to this train of thought). I was thinking about all the training I received for that new position. I thought about all the things I accomplished those first few months and how it doesn't seem like any of those things were very long ago.
I think it's because I had so much going on in my personal life that I haven't had time to reflect on my work life and all the positive things I have been doing. For example, last month, B and I were all like, "Wow, this time last year, we were just starting to seek out infertility doctors to assess our situation." Or this month it was, "This time last year B gave his first sample and we started done the long road of infertility testing." And now I'm already thinking that a year ago next month we got the first results back that we may have MIF (male infertility factor). And it just goes on from there.
A very dear friend just sent me THE MOST BEAUTIFUL email. She told me she had read the blog and empathized for me and said all kinds of beautiful, inspiring, empowering things about me. But the thing that stood out to me the most was that infertility does not define who I am.
At first, I was outraged. I was like, "Yes it does! Don't dismiss what I am going through! Don't take this away from me too!" It kind of took me back to the place that my MIL brought me, where I felt like those around me were in denial that B and I have a diagnosed physiological condition.
And when I look at all the energy and emotions I've been pouring into this blog in the few short days since I created it, it seems obvious how much infertility consumes me during every waking day. This post itself demonstrates how much the past year of my life has been devoted to solving and/or coping with this affliction. So I hope my readers can understand why at first I reacted so negatively to the comment my friend made in her email.
But now that I've had a day or two to think about it, I know that she was write. I always knew she was writing it from a good place with the best of intentions, but at the time, I thought she was just sorely misguided. Now I have come to realize that she was right. Not only was she right, she told me something that I needed to hear at exactly the right time. Before I let my feelings and even this blog where I am collecting those feelings take over my identity, I needed to hear that there is so much more to me than the label of infertility.
Infertility has become a part of who I am (and after getting some great responses to various posts from former infertiles I am learning that it will probably always be a part of me). But it is not all of who I am. I am still the over-educated girl who loves to travel, is obsessed with all things British, adores horses and now her dogs (I always used to be a cat person but B is allergic). I care about the environment and social justice for all. I enjoy photography, scrapbooking, and now making photobooks. I am a loyal friend, a sensitive daughter, and protective sister. I have a very weird and unpredictable sense of humor and a curious soul. And now, people are starting to tell me again that I am a good writer too :)
I need to remember to let some of these other qualities shine through too. I need to sprinkle them into this blog, and even more importantly, not neglect my first blog queenofshibas.blogspot.com because it was originally designed to showcase these interests.
All that said, I am glad I have this blog so there is a safe space to channel and collect the issues that consume and overwhelm me most of the time right now. By getting them all out of my head and sharing them here, I don't have to carry them with me all the time. I can concentrate on other things the rest of the time, and come back to them in a safe environment when and where I am ready for them. AND, sharing them with those close to me in this way protects me from having to talk about them when I am not prepared to do so, because people don't have to ask me how I'm doing with everything anymore. They can just read for themselves.
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