Maybe We Should Call Them Alumni?

In several posts, I have referred to women who have previously suffered from infertility and then moved on to successfully get pregnant and have children as "former infertiles."  After reading several of the supportive responses (both in blog comments and personal messages) I was starting to thing that this might not be the best label for this group of women.


First of all, they have shown me that the pain you feel from infertility, never really goes away.  Of course they are happy about their blessings and celebrated.  Many of them wanted to shout their good fortune from the rooftops.  One of them even told me she felt entitled to post anything and everything she felt and experienced through her pregnancy and new motherhood, because of everything she had gone through to achieve it.  But even she said that watching TV shows depicting infertile women brings back a flood of old emotions rushing back to her.  Even she said that after going through something like infertility, it never really leaves.  It changes you forever and becomes a part of you.


I have also been thinking lately, that just because a woman achieves one successful pregnancy, doesn't mean the entire infertility roller coaster isn't going to start all over for her again when she tries to conceive additional children down the road.


A Winter 2008 article in The New Atlantis, entitled Blogging Infertility, describes how these "former infertiles" can feel abandoned by the infertile sisters they left behind once they achieve a successful pregnancy.  The support network that infertiles can find in online forums, blogs, and community networks can be very powerful.  Losing those connections once you become pregnant and those who used to support you every step of the way on your journey to get there stop commenting on your posts, drop off your followers list, and generally unfriend you can be emotionally devastating.


So, I was thinking, maybe there is a better label for these women caught with one foot stuck in two different worlds.  "Former Infertile" is not quite accurate, since they will always carry the pain of infertility with them, even if they never struggle to conceive again.  Perhaps "Alumni" is a little bit better.  


Alumni suggests connections and memories of that which they once were a part of.  Of course, it also implies that those who jump through all the hoops and work hard enough will be able to eventually graduate, and that just isn't the case for everyone.  Some women, will never get pregnant.  So thinking of women who once suffered from infertility but went on to later have children as "alumns" kind of makes it seem like those who don't eventually get pregnant did something wrong or brought it on themselves.


So maybe "former infertile" isn't the right word, and "alumni" isn't quite right either.  Maybe we should just call them the lucky ones.  No matter how we refer to them, we must not exclude them or abandon them, just as we do not want them to abandon us.  We all need continued support and sensitivity.  That is the reality of caring for someone whom infertility has touched their life.