Today was the deadline

Today was the deadline.  January 19, 2012.  If B and I wanted to do IVF this year, and take advantage of the health insurance discount program's offer to honor their misprinted rate of $5600 for a fresh IVF cycle, we would have had until today to pay for it.  After this, they won't honor that rate anymore, and if we ever do decide to go through with IVF, we'll have to pay the full price.

It still feels very scary that we made the decision not to do this.  In some ways, it still felt like there was a chance things would somehow turn around again before today.  Not that I really thought that would happen, because B and I put a lot of thought and energy into our decision and I think it would have taken A LOT to change our minds again (like the whole thing just costing $5600 total, with meds and ICSI and all).  But tomorrow it will be official, there will be no chance of any miracles happening.  It will be over.

You know, all along, I kept defending United Health Allies, saying how honorable it was for them to extend the rate they had mistakenly posted on their website to me, offering to save B and I thousands of dollars.  But one of my RE's nurses pointed out how shitty they really were being.  It was their fault, not mine that they had a typo on their website.  Of course they should honor it.  But to only give me 30 days to go through the process or they won't honor it?!?  How cruel.  Every traumatic thing that B and I have gone through the past few months is their fault.  If they weren't rushing us into something we weren't financially prepared to do, we wouldn't have had to put ourselves through all of that.  And we wouldn't have had to make the difficult decision NOT to do IVF right now.

I'm still dealing with the ramifications of that decision.  Tomorrow will mark two weeks from when I came home to B with the news that we'd have to pay thousands more for meds, and we began the conversation that concluded with us deciding that enough is enough and we are not going to do this anymore.  

I spent the week following that decision going through all kinds of highs and lows.  Two people called me that Monday to tell me they were pregnant, of course.  That same day, a woman from the Compassionate Care program called me to tell me about the process of applying for a grant for free medication, that with our income bracket she wasn't sure we'd qualify for anyway, as we were right on the cusp of making too much money, of course.  The day after that, I got a call from one of the nurses at my RE's office, saying she had 6 of the 8 syringes of one of the meds I need, which even through discount programs cost over $100 a piece, of course.  I had to be strong and decline the offer, and tell her to pass them on to another couple who needed them.  In fact, I told her I may have more drugs I could donate to the clinic for couples in need.  I had to contact my friend's sister to see if the women who had donated Gonal-F and Menapur wanted it back or if I could donate to my clinic.  That was a tough message to send.  That only brings us up to Tuesday.

Then I had to face all the people who had supporting us along the way.  My friend whose sister had become my "infertility angel friend" happened to call by chance that Sunday, right after we'd made the decision not to go through with the IVF.  She got an earful that afternoon :).  Tuesday night my sister called.  She'd had know idea what we'd been through that past weekend, so she got more than she bargained for when she asked how I was doing too.

Wednesday my Mom called.  My sister had told her what happened and she was concerned.  I was putting off telling her the news because she was so supportive of us doing whatever it takes to make  the IVF happen.  I didn't want to disappoint her, and part of me still wanted to feel the way she does about it, so I didn't want to face that side of myself either.  

Thursday, the only other girlfriend who knew about the IVF stuff called and I had to break the news to her as well.  This friend was the  person I was the most nervous to tell my news too.  She lives in the same city as me and we see each other quite often.  She'd been right there alongside me for most of the ups and downs along the way.  The last time I had spoken to her was a week prior, the night before I got the phone call from the RE's nurse with the list of medications I'd still need to buy.  Last time I had seen my friend, we were thinking we'd be doing the IVF in a few weeks.  Now I had to tell her why we weren't doing it at all.

But she was so beyond supportive.  They all were.  I don't know why I was so scared to tell them.  They had been supportive through everything, what made me think I'd be disappointing them or letting them down by CHOOSING not to go through with IVF.  Not a single one of them was anything but supportive, sympathetic, and proud of me for being strong while facing such a tough decision.  They are the ones who gave me the strength to reach out to more people through this blog.  Plus, by recording everything here, I don't have to tell my story over and over again, which is still so difficult.  It's like I'm reliving it every time I talk about it.  And like I said in the opening paragraph of this post, I still don't feel like I have closure yet.  Maybe tomorrow.

I still have yet to contact my RE and tell her I'm out.  Then it really will be final.  Maybe tomorrow.

I did contact my previous RE in WI though.  I'm all set for an IUI at the end of this month, so that is something to focus on, look forward to, and maybe even be a little hopeful for.  At least it makes me feel like we are still being proactive and that gives me some sense of control over what is happening to us.  That is one of the worst parts about  infertility, is the feeling that you're losing control of your life.  But you know, by making this decision, I think B and I are taking back control and now we are able to take our first steps through this on our own terms.  And that makes it so much easier to bear.  And like I've said before, now we are closer and facing it more as a team than we were able to before, and that is the most comforting outcome of all.