Why Facebook is Not Always My Friend

In my recent posts: How to be Sensitive with your Infertile Friend and How to Tell Me You're Pregnant, I kept promising to write a separate post about why Facebook is such a double edged sword for people suffering with infertility.  

This was kind of a tricky one to write about, because its so difficult to explain what infertiles experience on Facebook in a way that doesn't make pregnant women and parents feel defensive about frequently posting about ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures.  Its not like their is any easy way to ask women to temper their enthusiasm on Facebook if they want to be mindful of their infertile friends' feelings.  People can get really offended when it comes to their kids.

But, just as the intention of the two posts referenced above was to offer suggestions of how anyone can be sensitive to friends or family that they know are struggling with infertility, this too is an important post written in the same spirit.  I will try to explain what the infertiles go through, in effort to help others understand why what they write on their own Facebook walls can cause pain.

Before Facebook, infertile women could try to avoid pregnant people at work or social gatherings, limiting their exposure to triggers of bitterness or jealousy.  But that was when friendships were forged in person.  

Now, with millions  of people connecting on Facebook, infertiles can feel trapped.  If we detach from the social media networks (some people call it taking a vacation from Facebook for a while, or going on a Facebook Diet for your mental health), we may lose touch with our supportive network of friends and family.  We also can lose connections and updates from helpful resources, networks, and forums.  But if we choose to continue using Facebook, we are unable to avoid its frequent reminders - ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures - of what might elude us forever.

Here is a hilarious example of what Facebook can look like to an infertile: (from a little pregnant)

Several people have suggested that I "hide" a person's updates in my news feed, if they become pregnant and their posts are too difficult for me to bear.  I have an issue with that.  If they are an acquaintance, fine, that's a good idea, but I'll probably never remember to go back and "unhide" them, so I'll have pretty much lost touch with them, and in that case, what's really the point of being Facebook friends anymore?

If they are a close friend, I have a serious problem with hiding them.  I probably won't forget to unhide them later, but that will be at least six to eight months of being completely out of touch with them on one of my main communication mediums.  If they do have anything else going on in there lives besides their pregnancy, I'll miss out on it.  

And if I do ever go to their page to catch up, I'll still be bombarded with all the stuff I was trying to avoid by hiding them in the first place.  Ok, you say, "just don't go on their page until their pregnancy is born."  Even if I decide to cut myself off completely from a hidden pregnant friend, I'm still going to see her posts on other friend's walls, with her baby bump or ultrasound profile picture, not to mention whatever baby-related things she may or may not be talking about in the post itself.

Even if you do hide all pregnant people as soon as you see that first announcement (close friends & acquaintances alike), it's not going to solve the problem.  The real issue is that you never know it's going to happen until you log in and there it is, at the top of your news feed again. Someone you knew in high school has posted her first ultrasound photo, a cousin has announced her two pink lines, someone who's infertility blog you've been following for a year has posted about her baby’s heartbeat, and you begin to cringe.  What you were expecting to be a quick glance through your personal Facebook feed has now rocked your day and left you staring at an unexpected pregnancy announcement.


And it doesn't end there.  I won't even get into all the "Mom Meme" posts like the one below, but  this is an example of why just hiding someone while they are pregnant doesn't solve the problem.  The pain goes on forever if parents are not sensitive to the way their posts continue to affect infertile friends and family.

The truth is,there's no shortage of people who feel pain while scrolling through Facebook: Chronically single people may envy friends' wedding pictures, for instance.  There have actually been several articles & blog posts about a Harvard business blog writer's post arguing that show that Facebook may be bad for your mental health.  There was also a research study done out of Standford recently on the same topic.


So, while many many many infertile women have bemoaned the confliction we experience on Facebook nearly every time we visit the site, we may have very well have caused similar pain for other people about other topics on Facebook.  But here's the difference, engagement announcements rarely come out of the blue.  If  a single woman's friend gets engaged, she probably saw it coming and was able to slowly prepare for it as their friend dated and got serious in their relationship.  Pregnancy announcements are different because most of the time, you don’t know when your friends are ovulating or if they’re trying to procreate.  Pregnancy announcements can come at 5 weeks or they can come when the person is 6 months along — you just never know.


Anyway, I'm hoping that this can begin to explain what infertile women are feeling about Facebook.  I'm not posting about this topic with the intent of getting others to change what they post on their own wall.  Rather, I'm just trying to create awareness, and if it leads some people who know people they are close to are suffering from infertility decide to use a little bit of a filter or censorship before posting every little detail of their pregnancy on Facebook because they would like to be sensitive to their friends' pain, then I'm proud to have helped them.


But more important than filtering yourself or exercising circumspection before posting your updates, is communicating with your infertile friend.  Acknowledge her pain, acknowledge your discomfort with the situation your pregnancy is causing to you to experience in your relationship with her (if there is discomfort), and ask her what she needs from you so you can continue to support her through her pain, while she supports your happiness.  


She may ask you to make a few concessions for her, or she may let you know that she needs to hide you for a while.  Whatever the case may be, please don't take it personally.  You already did the right thing by being a supportive friend and opening the line of communication with her, and she is lucky to have you in her support network.




A few other blog posts and articles (there are many, many more out there!) about infertiles and Facebook:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402856.html
http://chronichealing.com/facebook-fertility-fallout/
http://www.fertilityauthority.com/comment/1011172
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/11/facebook-status-updates-and-infertility/
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/why-your-infertile-friends-may-be-hiding-you-from-their-facebook-feed-2407307.html
http://adeaconswife.com/2010/10/26/the-pain-of-infertility-and-facebook-envy/

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/baby-face.html

How to be sensitive with your infertile friend

I posted last night about my higher expectations for sensitivity from my formally infertile friends who become pregnant. One suggestion that came out of the comments on that post was that I write a follow up post on how these women can be more sensitive to the infertile sisters they left behind, while still being able to enjoy and celebrate their own success & happiness.

This is a tough one, and I think it will depend on individual circumstances (like how well you know other infertiles in your life, or how open you used to be about your own infertility pain compared to how open you are being now about your fertility blessings), but I have come across a few ideas that i can share.

This message is actually for ALL pregnant women, not just former infertiles - Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what we, your infertile friends, cannot have. However, there are things you can do as a sensitive friend to make it easier for us.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy (adapted from the Resolve website)

THIS IS THE NUMBER 1 RULE! I understand that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort. You have every right to vent about these discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put me, your infertile friend, in the position of comforting you. Building on that, don't post these things on Facebook for everyone to see either, because you have no idea how many women in your social network may be silently suffering from infertility. I'll probably do a separate post on why Facebook is so bittersweet for infertiles.

Your infertile friends would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from the baby growing inside of you. When I heard a close friend of mine recently complain about her weight gain, I thought to myself, "How dare she, everyone knows that she is gaining weight because of the baby growing inside her, I'd not only love have that excuse for my own weight issues, but beyond that, I'd give anything to be pregnant like her, I'd gladly gain hundreds of pounds for the opportunity to have a baby!"

Let me set the pace

Once you've announced your pregnancy to me, take your cues from me as to how much we should see each other and talk about anything, especially your pregnancy. I might need a leave of absence from you for a while. Trust that I'll come back to you when I'm feeling stronger. And this might come and go in phases too. I'll have to process things as they come (your pregnancy announcement, your baby shower, the birth, meeting your child for the first time, etc.).

Don't take it personally

So far, I have managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it is getting harder. Stay sensitive to my emotions, and cut me the slack that I may need to be happy for you while crying for myself. If I can't bring myself to hold your new baby, give me time. I am not rejecting you or your new baby; I am just trying to work my way through my pain so that I can show sincere joy for you. The fact that I am willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much our friendship must truly mean to me.

Don't ignore me and don't forget me

Even as you give me space, also send me notes or call occasionally to check on how I'm doing, or to let me know you're still thinking of me. This is especially important if you are a former infertile. I don't want to stop supporting you, so please don't stop supporting me just because your situation has changed.

Invite me to your baby shower, because being excluded sucks even more than facing my pain at your party, but let me know that you'll understand if I can't come because it's too hard for me right now.

This will be covered in a separate post about how to tell me you are pregnant, but please, please, please, don't wait to tell me you are pregnant. Follow the guidelines I will suggest in the other post, but don't leave me out while you tell everyone else. In fact, it would be better if you could tell me first, so I can have time to process it before the whole world already knows. I want to be in a place where I can celebrate with you along with everyone else, not have everyone wondering how I'm going to handle the news.

Ask me before you put me on your mass mailing list  (also see post on blog: Faint Lines)

I don't need to see the updated ultrasound pictures that you send out... unless I tell you I that want to. This is true too of your weekly/monthly updates of your baby once he/she arrives. This includes Facebook wall posts as well. I'm sorry to be so hard on Facebook, but it often isn't a good friend to the infertile. It can be a constant reminder of the pain an infertile is going through, when what we really want is to connect with those we care about to help us stay strong. But again, I'll talk about Facebook issues with a more logical explanation in another post.

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So there it is, that's what I could come up with for now. I'm in the process of writing a separate post about how to tell me you are pregnant, because that one's a doozy, and it's already happened to me twice in the less than two weeks since B & I had to cancel our only shot at an IVF cycle this year. I hope this helps explain where I'm coming from a little better than that first post did, and I really really really hope I can look back on this post someday, when I too am getting ready to announce my own pregnancy, and I can use it to communicate with my infertile sisters with the grace and sensitivity I want from those around me right now.