A Little Laughter to Ease the Pain of Mother's Day

For anyone dealing with infertility, Mother’s Day can be a very difficult day to cope with. In anticipation of tomorrow's holiday, I am reposting a 2011 blog post from the author of 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.

"Perhaps it would be just a bit easier if we could re-name the holiday to something that didn’t remind us of moms and babies. Here are some suggestions for re-naming Mother’s Day: 

• Women who are not on Clomid Day
• International working ovaries Day
• Bratty toddlers and their Mother’s Day
• Her loins really procreated Day
• Please don’t post your Mother’s Day photos on Facebook Day
• A vaginal and brunch celebration Day
• Sperm and egg conceived Day
• She ovulated Day
• Happy pre and post-menopausal Day
• Overpriced chocolates and flowers Day
• You’re not my real Mother Day

…or how about Mother’s and Mother’s-in-Waiting Day."

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These are pretty funny, and finding reasons to laugh about infertility does help to ease the pressure that this day brings.  This day can be a national reminder of everything we have wished for, lost, never had, worked for, despaired over, fought for and because of, and physically and emotionally hurt from.  This is something most of us feel every day, but on Mother's Day, a day when everyone else is happily celebrating their own mothers or children, the infertile can be overwhelmed by facing all of their experiences and feelings at once.  It can be too much.

An article by Deborah S. Simmons, PhD, LMFT published in the Spring 2013 RESOLVE newsletter and posted on their website suggests letting this day become "your own personal Empowerment Day."

As the article said, "For many who are undergoing fertility treatment and family building, this manufactured holiday can generate anxiety, dread, and anger. You want to be one of the people being celebrated, but you are not there yet.

...You may not feel that you have many choices about fertility treatment, but you absolutely do have choices about how you approach Mother's Day."

Rather than a day of “Why?” let this become a day of “How?” Ask yourself:

“How am I doing on my journey to parenting?”
“How do I need to change my perspective or treatment protocol?”
“How would I LIKE to spend the day?"

The article goes on to say:

"Let this be a decision day about where you are in your life, not just in your attempts to conceive. Let this be a day that is all about you. Embrace self-care as part of your quest to be a mother.

Did you know that you do not have to attend celebrations, even though you have been asked or even if someone demanded you attend? What would you like to do? Being honest does not make you Debbie Downer. It makes you human, and real, and a person. Here’s a truth—someone else may not like you making a different kind of decision, but you will do better. You have absolute permission to stay in bed the entire day, to cry, and to breathe.  

... You can also choose to engage in celebration of your own mother. This year, find a way to do so that fits with your love for her and for yourself. In whatever ways you choose to spend that day, empower yourself to be the beautiful person you were before your fertility journey began and the person you will be after your fertility challenges are resolved."

I'm glad to see that this article reinforces that it is okay to NOT CELEBRATE Mother's Day with others.  At first I felt kind of guilty that B & I didn't make plans to visit our own mothers or grandmothers this year.  We planned ahead and sent them all flowers or gifts to make sure they knew we were thinking of them and appreciating them and honoring them, but now as this day draws closer, we don't really have to focus too much on it or draw much attention to it.  It can be just another day for us.  And honestly, it would have had to be a huge production for us as all of our family lives 2-4 hours away, so it would have been a weekend-long road-trip making multiple stops at several family gatherings.  For us, no holidays are a simple "afternoon over at Grandma's" and Mother's Day would be no exception.  

So this year, like last, we are staying home with our dogs and having a day together, just the 4 of us, doing whatever we want and not really directing any attention to the day at all.  This is what's right for us right now.  There is no telling what future holidays will bring, but for now, we will just be happy at home together and that's okay.

In regards to the above article, as it turns out, the author, Deborah S. Simmons, has been a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine for 15 years and is the co-owner of Partners in Healing of Minneapolis.  I am originally from MN and most of my family is still there, so it's kind of neat to see that someone from the Twin Cities is writing for a cause and is such an expert in an area that I spend so much of my own time researching and thinking about.  Kind of neat I think.

Peeing on a stick at work again

I decided to be part of a study that tests the accuracy of home/portable body fat percentage testers, and in exchange I got a free scan with a DEXA machine which not only is the Gold Standard for measuring body fat percentage, but can also tell me things like my bone density and other important stuff... which I'll learn more about during my follow up appointment in a couple days.

What a DEXA machine looks like

I was mostly interested in joining this study to get this scan because last week I kick started a new weight loss initiative in effort to lower my BMI so that B & I will have the optimum set of circumstances for conception once we can start trying again in July... and also so that if we need IVF down the road, I'd qualify for some of the shared risk programs that are out there (more on those some other time).


Anyway, before I could get my scan on the DEXA done, I was required to take a pregnancy test due to the low amount of radiation I'd be exposed to during the scan.


Really?


REALLY?


I just can't escape being reminded of my infertility during any random, completely unrelated activity in my life, can I?


I still track my cycle every month and knew that I'm in the fertile period, so there's NO WAY a pregnancy test would have a positive result right now.  How humiliating and degrading to have to go into a public bathroom stall in a university building, and pee on a stick... again!  I used to do this a lot with OPK tests, but at least then I was hopeful and optimistic.  This was just awfully depressing.


Of course it didn't show a positive result - like I've never had that happen before [insert eye roll here].


Then we were able to move forward with the scan which was actually kind of neat.  I got to see my full body skeleton x-ray when it was over, and I learned there is a difference between BMI and body fat percentage.  It made me think of weight loss, obesity, and health in a whole new light, which I intend to blog about in my other blog (about healthy lifestyle and current topics of interest to me): queenofshibas.blogspot.com.


Like I said earlier, I go back later this week to learn about the results of my scan, and I'm thinking that what I learn can hep me to make the best health choices I can and hopefully not just lose weight (in effort to improve fertility) but also to improve my health overall... which has so many more benefits, especially if I ever do become a mom!  :)

Why don't academics have kids?

Or more specifically, why don't academic librarians have kids?  This question probably sounds odd coming from me, given yesterday's post about all the pregnant women at these library conferences, but I've noticed a trend recently: very few academic librarians seem to have kids.


Why is that?  Most of the ones I know have been married for several years, and are creeping further and further into their thirties, so it can't be that they aren't ready.  Is it that they can't?  Are they all struggling with infertility like me?  Has this profession attracted a certain type of infertile woman who is than able to find support and camaraderie by being surrounded by others just like her? 


Or are they, like many women with high levels of education pushing back their family goals in lieu of their career goals (whether they'd like to or not)?  I would buy that if it was junior faculty members we were talking about, who had to concentrate on their doctoral program, dissertation & defense, and are now researching, publishing, teaching and serving their way toward tenure... but we're not talking about them.  Most of the academic librarians I know already have the job they want.  Or at least they have their foot in the door and are at a place where they plan to be for a long time before they can climb higher toward their ultimate goal. 


Maybe they don't want kids?  Maybe I'm a freak for being in a profession (or at least was in a profession and admire still hang out with my former colleagues) where I'm the only one who  likes children.  Maybe the rest of them found their niche in a place who accepts their pension for a childless life.  Maybe they just want to work and travel and have fun with their husbands and friends.


I asked a couple of them that I knew from my grad school days down here at this conference.  They argued with a few examples of academic librarians they knew that DID have kids...but one was older with school age children, the other had children in college, and the rest were men.  In the examples of the two women, I have know idea where they were in their careers when they got pregnant and had their children.  And the men certainly don't count.  Pregnancy and child rearing is NOT the same for the fathers, in any profession.  This is a conversation about motherhood and work.


I don't know, but it doesn't change how I feel.  I still want to be a mother more than anything.  I'd give up my career to be a mother in a heartbeat (though the way things are going, its looking more and more like I'll have to work until I die just to be able to afford to conceive my child!).


But it's just something I've noticed, because as we all know by know, all I ever think about is babies, and I often look for infertility in others where there is really none to see.  It is a weird place that my mind goes when I'm doing this, but I think it's human nature to compare ourselves to others and look for similar traits that we find in ourselves in others too.