The following examples of things infertile couples might think, say, or experience while processing the pain of infertility were originally featured in a blogpost for Connecticut Working Mom's.
I think most infertile women will be able to relate to several of the statements below. I think I fluctuate from one phase to another and back again, because while the pain of loss may dull over time, the pain of infertility never goes away. We have monthly reminders, facebook updates, shower invitations, and birth announcements to constantly remind us and open up new wounds. I also believe that these are not chronological, I think we can float between any of these stages at any time, and that doesn't mean we are regressing, it just means we are normal.
I think most infertile women will be able to relate to several of the statements below. I think I fluctuate from one phase to another and back again, because while the pain of loss may dull over time, the pain of infertility never goes away. We have monthly reminders, facebook updates, shower invitations, and birth announcements to constantly remind us and open up new wounds. I also believe that these are not chronological, I think we can float between any of these stages at any time, and that doesn't mean we are regressing, it just means we are normal.
Denial
“We must have just gotten the timing wrong. Again.”
“Male factor infertility, you say? Hon, we’re switching you out of boxer briefs into boxers. That must be the easy fix. Bonus points if you want to go commando.”
“Something must be wrong with these pee sticks, I can’t ever seem to get the second line to show up.”
Anger
(see also: jealousy, irrational behavior, selfishness)
“Whaddya mean she’s pregnant, again?!”
“Everyone around me is pregnant. It must have been so easy for them. Must be nice.”
“They sent me the defective pee sticks again, these are OBVIOUSLY BROKEN!”
Bargaining
“I’d give anything to be pregnant.”
“If only we had started sooner, I’d probably have a baby by now.”
“Why can’t we just skip all this testing and get right to the IVF? We know that’s what we’ll need anyways.”
“Hello, Amazon.com? Yes, if you could send me another batch of pee sticks, the ones that work this time, I’ll take back that nasty review I wrote last year when I tried to order on Christmas Eve in time for Christmas. I know you have deadlines for a reason. Besides, you have the cheapest pee stick prices…”
Depression
“Nothing is going right. I’ll never be pregnant at this rate.”
“My 18-year-old employee was happy when her pregnancy test was negative. It’s all I can do to keep from sobbing each time I get a negative result.”
“Those pee stick manufacturers obviously don’t want me to have kids.”
Acceptance
“It is what it is. We need to just keep going with the tests to give us the best outcome when the time comes.”
“We’re not the only ones going through this. So many other couples have struggled with infertility, whether we know it or not. There’s a lot of support out there from places we never imagined we’d find it.”
“Maybe I’ll stop peeing on a stick for a while.”
“We must have just gotten the timing wrong. Again.”
“Male factor infertility, you say? Hon, we’re switching you out of boxer briefs into boxers. That must be the easy fix. Bonus points if you want to go commando.”
“Something must be wrong with these pee sticks, I can’t ever seem to get the second line to show up.”
Anger
(see also: jealousy, irrational behavior, selfishness)
“Whaddya mean she’s pregnant, again?!”
“Everyone around me is pregnant. It must have been so easy for them. Must be nice.”
“They sent me the defective pee sticks again, these are OBVIOUSLY BROKEN!”
Bargaining
“I’d give anything to be pregnant.”
“If only we had started sooner, I’d probably have a baby by now.”
“Why can’t we just skip all this testing and get right to the IVF? We know that’s what we’ll need anyways.”
“Hello, Amazon.com? Yes, if you could send me another batch of pee sticks, the ones that work this time, I’ll take back that nasty review I wrote last year when I tried to order on Christmas Eve in time for Christmas. I know you have deadlines for a reason. Besides, you have the cheapest pee stick prices…”
Depression
“Nothing is going right. I’ll never be pregnant at this rate.”
“My 18-year-old employee was happy when her pregnancy test was negative. It’s all I can do to keep from sobbing each time I get a negative result.”
“Those pee stick manufacturers obviously don’t want me to have kids.”
Acceptance
“It is what it is. We need to just keep going with the tests to give us the best outcome when the time comes.”
“We’re not the only ones going through this. So many other couples have struggled with infertility, whether we know it or not. There’s a lot of support out there from places we never imagined we’d find it.”
“Maybe I’ll stop peeing on a stick for a while.”
As I think back, I can see that during the the year and a half that B & I were not using contraceptives but were not actually TTC, we were in denial. We just kept thinking we were "lucky." Even the first six months that we were TTC, we just figured we had the timing wrong, or I needed to stop drinking caffeine, or B needed to quit sitting in hottubs.
I kind of think I moved from that phase to bargaining. We wanted to fast-track to IVF, I started researching cheaper ART treatments in other countries and egg-donation/funded IVF arrangements. I became vegan and tried to lose weight so I'd have the BMI required for many of these programs. I was trying to figure out any way possible to avoid being infertile. I wanted to make a deal so I could outsmart infertility and move onto my baby dreams.
Once I realized I couldn't bargain my way out of this situation, I admit that I moved into anger. Anger at everyone who is pregnant, including celebrities, strangers, friends, family, everyone.
I think I fluctuate between anger, depression, and acceptance now, though acceptance is usually rather fleeting. I'll briefly come to some idea or resolution that sounds a lot like acceptance and feel better for a night, a few days, maybe even a week or two, and then something will trigger a return of anger or depression. It's unpredictable. Sometimes I learn new things that push me briefly back into bargaining again too. Often that ends either in acceptance or depression. It's a never ending random cycle.
My hope is that this post will show women that is perfectly normal to feel the way we do about infertility. We are not crazy, irrational, or over-emotional. We are grieving, and that is normal, and it should be expected... and accepted by those around you--pun intended ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment