I feel like I should explain something

We haven't announced anything officially yet (like on FB), but B and are in the process of buying our first house together.  Actually, it's this house, the one in the photo above!


We put in on offer at the end of March, and it was accepted the next day despite two other competing offers!  The night before B's surgery in early April we had our inspection, which went extremely well.  We did radon testing in the basement and the levels came back .1 higher than the safe level, so we spent a week or two negotiating back and forth and in the end, they agreed to split the cost of installing a certified mitigation system, which we will roll into our closing costs.


We meet with our mortgage lender later this week to finalize the paperwork and settle on a closing date, but we already put in notice with our landlord that we'd be starting to move out by July 1st at the latest.  We're keeping the apartment through July so we can take our time moving in, but for all intensive purposes, we hope/plan to be moving in to our new home around the end of June!


So...the reason why I feel like I have something to explain has to do with money.  I've spent four months blogging about the cost of infertility and talking about how hard it was to walk away from our planned IVF cycle because of the ballooning costs of it all... and here we are buying a house only a few months later... out of nowhere.


You see, B and I had planned to figure out the baby stuff first, then get safer cars, hopefully take another trip to Europe for his 40th birthday next year, and when all that was figured out, then start saving for a house - someday.  The house thing was on the ten year plan, not the two month plan.


So what happened?


The IVF saga happened.


If you'll remember, we pressured ourselves into trying to afford IVF before we had planned for it and way before we were financially ready.  Because of a misprint on a health insurance partner's website, they were willing to honor a severely discounted rate for me... but I only had a couple months to get it done.  Well, we hadn't thought we'd resort to IVF until we'd exhausted all other options, in two to three years maybe, but certainly not anytime soon.  


But when a chance in a lifetime like this comes around to get such a cheap rate on such an expensive procedure with such a better chance of helping us realize our dream of having a baby, well, we couldn't pass it up.  We had to try to take advantage of the situation.  So we spent the months of October, November, December and the beginning of January scrambling to beg, borrow, and steal the money we'd need to bring to the table for this discounted IVF procedure.


By January we had a weekend-long discussion about whether we could really do it.  No, actually it was whether we really wanted to.  We'd had to take out a persona loan of $7500 to cover the amount we'd be using from our FSA Health Spending Account because they only pay for medical procedures after the fact, not before.  We were planning to max out both of our credit cards to cover the cost of the medications we'd need.  We wiped out our savings on previous test & procedures and were living paycheck to paycheck.  It was a bad idea and it was all too much.  And none of it was a sure thing.  There was a very high chance that the meds would be even more expensive if my body didn't respond the way it should, or there could be other complications... and of course there was a 50/50 chance it wouldn't work anyway and then we'd have all that debt and nothing to show for it.


So we made the decision not to go through with it.  And then something kind of miraculous happened.  The Monday after we decided not to do the IVF, B's HR lady at work told him that the company hadn't processed the FSA Health Spending Account information yet for the year, and asked if he was sure he really wanted to have that much taken out of his paychecks...


He lowered it down to the cost of one IUI (about $1300) and had her cancel the rest.  Now we were really digging ourselves back out of the hole that the IVF drama had created!


We talked about paying off that personal loan of $7500 with itself too be rid that too.  Only we decided to wait and do our taxes first because last year we'd had to pay in $2000 and we might need it to pay our tax bill again this year (we'd pay off the rest with what was left and just pay off the remaining $2000 in about 4-6 months).


Turned out we owed money again.  $1300 this time.  Huh, just realized that's the cost of an IUI cycle.  Ironic.


Anyway, we were so mad at our lot in life.  We are two working individuals without a house or kids so of course our tax bill will be high.  Thing is, WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT LACK OF KIDS THING!  Ugh.


So the thought occurred to us, if we have no control right now over the kids thing... why not buy a house?  Thats something we can do to help lower our tax bill next year.  And it's still a buyer's market, with historically low interest rates.  Seemed like now was the perfect time to make this investment...


Plus, in the back of my mind, there were actually some fertility related issues to consider as well.  If we do have to do IVF down the road (if B's surgery wasn't enough for us...), at least the whole "saving up for a downpayment on a house" thing wouldn't be getting in the way of saving for IVF.  And if for ANY reason we wound up adopting, I'd think having a home for the child could only help us.  And finally, and this one is probably the least important but stuck with/stung me the most: a certain family member who shall remain nameless made the comment in a long list of reasons why should not do IVF (during that bitter weekend when we were ultimately deciding on our own not to go through with it anyway), that we should concentrate now on "creating a life for a child" and that the child would just come after we took care of that.  


Completely ignorant and insensitive.


This person wanted us to work on taking care of ourselves first, buy a newer & safer car for B, and buy a house. Then, and only then, think about a child.  This person didn't understand that time is ticking against us on that last milestone and that it won't magically (or through karma or whatever) happen just because we've got all our other ducks in a row.  But anyway, in the back of my mind I kept thinking throughout all this house-hunting stuff that at least this person can't make any more comments about "creating a life for a child" if we have to/choose to do IVF later.  And really, we probably won't be discussing our plans with this person anyway.


So, we chose to use that money from the personal loan to put down a downpayment on a FHA loan!  We'll be able to pay it off very quickly, and once that's gone our mortgage will be much less then our current rent, so we'll be saving money every month on top of the tax break we hope to get next year!  All money that can be saved up for other important things to consider in our future ;)


In the end, it really feels like everything happened the way it did because it was supposed too.  None of this house business would have ever been possible without all that IVF crap.  It's a very bright silver lining.  And now, not only has it all distracted me from my sadness and depression from our infertility, it is also lending me nothing but hope & opportunities to think about for a long time to come.  This kind of positivity is EXACTLY what I needed right now.  This all couldn't have happened at a better time.


We've been working through a non-profit agency that does mortgage counseling which I receive free access to as a benefit through my work.  This company has been amazing and helped us to find special loan programs out there in our city, which we couldn't have found on our own.  They also helped us find our AMAZING realtor too.  The whole process could not have been more positive.


And so between the meetings with this non-profit, our realtor, house hunting, putting in offers and counter offers, dealing with inspectors and negotiations, we've had a very busy Spring this year!  Now we are just waiting for things to be finalized and can't wait to move in around the beginning of July... 


July.


That's when we find out if B's surgery improved things for us and we can start trying for a baby again.  I think between the busyness of planning the packing, the move, the cleaning & unpacking, the decorating, and the house-warming parties... we won't really have much time for dwelling on the TTC process again for a quite some time.  But we'll be able to enjoy our summer knowing that we have nothing to think about but hope and possibility for a while:)


July.


I can't wait for July!

How to make a baby the IVF way

I received the link at the bottom of this post from my MIL (mother-in-law) the weekend we were trying to make our difficult decision about whether or not to cancel our IVF cycle.  She was strongly trying to persuade us not to go through with it (my mom on the other hand, was strongly in favor of us doing it, so she was a tough one to break the news to of our final decision, but anyway...)


My MIL's exact words to go along with the link were: "I found it overwhelming but you are younger and more in step with these scientific developments. Does not look like a walk in the park."


I know she was hoping it would horrify us.  But the truth is, I'd done so much research on this, that she wasn't showing me anything I wasn't prepared to see, or honestly didn't already know.


I know it frustrated her, but I got the exact opposite reaction to seeing this photo-journalism piece than the one she was hoping for.  My response to her was this, "

"Thank you so much for sending this thought provoking piece.  [B] and I looked through it all and read every caption together.  It really brought us closer together and provided a platform for us to discuss how we are both feeling about this new phase in our struggle with infertility.

I'm sure its obvious how emotionally invested I am in all of this, so it's not really surprising that I felt strongly connected to the woman in this story.  It was so comforting to read about someone else who is going through the same thing we are.  I couldn't believe how eloquently she was able to describe exactly how I am feeling about our struggle to conceive a child.  Her story gave me strength and courage for our own struggle, especially as things get tough and we hit new bumps in the road.

I was reading some of the comments below the article that other readers submitted.  Many were supportive but I was surprised by the amount of negativity she received for putting her story out there.  People were calling her selfish and vain, telling her she should "just adopt."  Don't people know that adoption costs even more than IVF, and it isn't for everyone, even if they could afford it?

I just don't think that people who have never faced infertility can understand the feelings of inadequacy, betrayal from your body, and utterly consuming sadness that many women feel when they are diagnosed with the inability to do the most basic of all human needs: to procreate.  Everything we are wired for is to drive us toward this one purpose, to reproduce. And comprehending and recovering from the knowledge that you are not able to do this would not come easily or naturally to anyone."

Let's just say that while I was hoping to elicit some kind of empathy, or understanding of what I'm going through, or frankly, even some acknowledgement of how difficult this must be for me emotionally... my email didn't get the kind of reaction I was hoping for.  I won't share the details of what followed, but it is important to note that it was not because of my MIL's influence that we chose not to go through with the IVF.  Of course her feelings matter to us, but we had actually made the decision to cancel the IVF before she even became that involved in the process.


Anyway, this is still a really powerful piece and worth a look, so I wanted to share it.  Because it still may be our fate at some point down the road:


http://www.slate.com/slideshows/double_x/infertility.html

It's officially over

That's it, it's over.  Yesterday was the deadline for taking advantage of the health insurance program's offer to honor their misprinted rate of only $5600 for a fresh cycle of IVF.  It still kind of hurts to actually type out those words.  What a horrible missed opportunity.


I do feel like I have some closure now, because there is no option to change our minds and make it happen and go for it after all.  That time has passed, now we just have to move forward and accept our decision.


I marked the occasion by contacting my RE down in IL to tell her our decision finally.  It was through email, so no response yet, but what can I really expect her to say?  What can I expect anyone to say?


I contacted my local RE too to ask him why I can't use my Gonal-F pens for the IUI I'm doing in a couple of weeks.  My infertility angel friend (my friend's sister) told me she had used these kinds of injectables for some of the IUI's she had done before moving on to IVF.  Why should I waste ANOTHER opportunity when I have these expensive medications that were given to me for free?


He wants me  to use Clomid again.  Clomid doesn't do sh*t.  I used it for my first IUI and only got 2 follicles from it.  Of course I had the lowest dosage, but still.  Come on.  My friends on the Baby Center Forum who are all doing their IVF's right now are getting like 18 or more follicles from the injectables!  We'll see what he comes back with for a response (this was an email too).


I shouldn't say that about the Clomid either.  Two of my very close friends took Clomid, which regulated their cycles & ovulation and they were able to conceive naturally fairly quickly because of it.  One of them just gave birth two beautiful twin boys not too long ago!  The other one, not only did she get pregnant with her beautiful son because of Clomid, but her brother and his wife also took it and got pregnant with twins as well.  So Clomid definitely can work wonders and is a miracle drug for some... just not me.  Besides, ovulating isn't my problem, I do it like clockwork.  Like I've said before, I *wish* I could just take a simple pill and solve the problem behind our infertility issues.  But for us it is not going to be that simple, mostly because they can't find anything that is obviously causing the problem in the first place.


If my WI RE has a good reason why he won't use the Gonal-F with me, I'll donate them to the clinic down in IL.  The nurse there, Lucia, is another angel who collects unused leftover meds  for women in need.  She's the one who called me last Tuesday saying she had something for me.  Unfortunately it still wasn't enough though and I asked her to pass it along to another couple in need.  If I donate the rest of what I already have, maybe it will be like a good karma effect or something and when our time comes around again, someone will do the same for us.