Maybe things haven't changed so much afterall

OK, so back in March, I wrote a post claiming that a "change" had occurred.  You can read the original post here: http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/2012/03/change-has-taken-place.html, but the point of it was that I was trying to say that I wasn't so sad all the time about my & B's struggle with infertility anymore.  I was even trying to come up with justifications for the idea that it might be better to live "child-free."

So, the truth is, I don't think anything was changing inside of me, and I don't think I'm ready to accept the idea of a child-free future at all.  You see, five days after I wrote that post, one of my best friends emailed me to tell me that she is pregnant again - with her second child.  So she'll have two kids, ages two and under, before B and I are able to conceive our first.

I wept. 

I couldn't help it.  I wasn't upset with her of course, I was just sad for myself.  You see, when this friend announced she was pregnant with her first child, B and I had not been preventing pregnancy for a while, but we had not yet decided to "try" for a baby yet either.  

A couple months after she announced her first pregnancy, B's and my one-year wedding anniversary rolled around and I graduated from grad school with my second master's degree.  It was finally time for my life long dream to come true.  We started trying for a baby.

By the time my friend's first child was born that Fall, she asked if I had "the itch" yet.  I told her I've had the itch since I was about twelve, and that B and I had been trying and were just waiting for that special month to arrive when we'd have the good news we'd been waiting for!  

Of course, in the back of our minds, B and I were already wondering if something was not quite right.  We'd only been "trying" for three or four months at that point, but before that we'd not been preventing for a year, ever since the wedding.  And I'd been off of birth control for medical reasons for about eight months prior to that... with many months of not being careful.  So really, we wondered, why hadn't we gotten pregnant yet?  Just lucky we hoped...

For months after my friend's baby was born I'd spend several days a week visiting her and her baby.  It was great timing because I was finally done with grad school, in my first real job, and finally had free time like a normal person!  Plus, I was able to get the baby fix I needed on a regular basis.  Her child was the most beautiful being.  She was such a good baby, and to this day lights up my world every time I see her.  The best way to describe her is as a perfect little blessing.  And now, as she is getting older, it is such a delight to see her growing and learning.  

So anyway, I spent a great deal of time with this friend right before and ever since the birth of her first baby.  She was such a considerate and thoughtful friend and always asked me how things were going with our own baby making efforts every single month.  Somehow she'd always ironically call on the the day I'd gotten my period.  Oh well, I'd joke, another month of drinking and banking sick time at work for my eventual maternity leave!

By midwinter that year, B & I still were not pregnant and we really started to wonder if there was something bigger going on that we should know about.  For young healthy couples they usually say to wait for a year of unprotected sex before testing for infertility.  But since we'd already been having unprotected sex for over two years (though we'd only been actively trying to time things out for about 6 months), B started getting tested... just in case.

It's best to get the male tested first because it's much less invasive than the female infertility workup.  It's best to rule out male factor infertility first, before you begin poking and prodding the female partner.  In January of 2011, we got our first analysis results back showing that B could potentially have low counts.  But it was January, and we are in the upper-midwest, and he'd done it at home, taken it outside to drive to the clinic, and delivered it to them about half an hour later.  We decided that there were too many variables and we'd get a second opinion.

In April that year we went to the only urologist in the area that specializes in male factor infertility - Dr. J.  B's sample came back slightly better this time, but still just on the cusp of the border between the range of what's "normal" and what's a problem.  We had another sample sent away to a lab out west somewhere... the only one in the country that tests for DNA fragmentation to see if that was our problem.  Again, he was right on the border between normal and the problem zone.

All this meant that B's swimmers could be the reason we hadn't conceived yet, but the evidence wasn't conclusive.  Dr. J did notice that B had varicoceles which could be causing his lower counts, but even that wasn't conclusive as many men get them who don't suffer from infertility.  He suggested we keep trying for 4-6 months and if we had no luck, try an IUI, which should give this counts the little extra boost they needed.  So we started up all the female infertility tests on me in the meantime (just to be sure there wasn't anything additional on my end to worry about while we were trying naturally), which continued throughout the summer.

We were still hopeful that there was nothing wrong, but as each month went by with one negative pregnancy test result after another, eventually my friend stopped asking if this was finally the month.  Instead she started asking how the testing was going and if we knew anything new that could help us.

That summer we did learn that I had a blocked fallopian tube, which sent me into a panic at first, until my OBGYN reminded me that I should still have a 50% chance of getting pregnant because most women ovulate from each side every other month.  Anyway, they were able to go back in and open it up and it's been open now for 10 months and guess what? Still no pregnancies.

Anyway, I've blogged before about all the testing and IUI's and it all ended with B having varicocele repair surgery last month.  Since it takes a man 90 days to produce new sperm, we are now in a waiting period.  We can't test to find out if the surgery improved B's counts until July, so no thoughts of trying for a baby until then.

Apparently, a good percentage of men who undergo this surgery see improvement after those 3 months!  Of those that don't, many of them will see improvement within about 6 months.  Of those that are left, some will have improvement within a year, and a few within two years after the surgery.  

So, we're hopeful about July, but shouldn't get our hopes up too high.  Or, maybe a better way to think about it is that we shouldn't lose all hope if the counts don't improve because there may still be a chance for things to get better down the road with a little more time.

So that's where we are at with the whole TTC thing, and that's the update (for now) on what we know about how B's surgery went.

But what does any of this have to do with my friend telling me she's pregnant and/or me saying things haven't changed so much after all?

Well, my point is that this friend telling me she was pregnant again kind of burst my bubble.  It brought back all the happy hopeful memories of when B and I first started out on our journey toward parenthood.  It reminded me of times when friends having babies was just exciting, not bittersweet.  But it also reminded me how long we've been TTC.  It reminded me of where we started out and all that has happened along the way to bring us to where we are today.

It made me think about the fact that she'll be done having kids before I even start.  Any of our hopes to be pregnant together were thrown out the window.  It made me wonder what it will be like to be going through the baby phase once all my friends are done with it and reclaiming their bodies, sleep, and free-time.  It made me think that once again I was behind all my peers in "life" (committing to a serious boyfriend, getting engaged, finishing school, buying a house), but this time not by my own choosing, and it made me feel sorry for myself.

I know I had written that wonderfully optimistic post about how something had "changed" inside of me and that somehow now other people's pregnancies weren't bothering me as much.  I do think that is still true, but not because something inside me changed.  And to be honest, my friend's being pregnant didn't "bother" me.  The reason it made me cry is not because she is pregnant again (because of course I'm very happy for her, and told her that immediately...and honestly truly meant it), but because it triggered emotions about myself that I hadn't been feeling for a couple months.  But again, not because anything had profoundly changed inside me to make me feel differently.  Rather, I think I was just distracted.

Distracted by B's impending surgery.  Distracted by work.  Distracted by the warmer weather and exercising the dogs.  Distracted by the biggest financial decision that B and I have ever made together....

Distracted by the process of buying our first house!

Stay tuned for more to come on that soon :)

A week spent caring for other people's children

Yep, I spent a little over a week doing daycare for 6 kids from ages 4 months up to 6 years old.  After the first day of it, I went to visit Mom in her hospital room and she asked if I was managing ok… given my sensitivity about babies and kids right now.

The truth was, I didn’t have too big of a problem caring for other people’s kids despite the fact that we’re trying so unsuccessfully hard to have our own right now.  Believe it or not, the 4-month-old baby was the best part of the whole thing.  You’d think that would be the hardest because it’s so close to the one thing I want most right now.  But I guess I’ve just always loved babies and kids and going home to my Mom’s and helping with (or in this case… doing it solo) daycare still feels good, like I’m getting my “baby fix.”

For me, caring for and spending time with children is not like hearing about other people brag or complain about their children on Facebook.  It’s completely different when you are doing something active with a child, and you know you are doing something important, or valuable, or needed.  When you are making a difference, really helping, you connect with the child and it’s not about you.  It’s not about what that child’s parents have and you don’t.

Rather, it's about what that child needs right now and what you can do about it.  And like everything else in life, practical experience teaches you, and you learn how to be better in the future.  I figure my life-long-learning experiences with children will make me be the most amazing mother someday, when our time finally comes.  I mean, how many other women have had THIS MUCH experience with kids before becoming a parent themselves?  Plenty, I’m sure (teachers, nurses, daycare providers, etc), but not many that I personally know of in my peer group – so I’d like to continue believing that this makes me special and I’ll be a super-mom because I so-patiently-waited for such a long time. J

Anyway, it gives me comfort and satisfaction to connect with a child.  I feel validated when I successfully soothe a child, make them feel better, or teach them something.  I feel like I am right to want a child of my own.  I feel like I will be good at being a mother someday.  I feel like all this wishing, hoping, frustration, angst, despair is all worth it.  Because in the end, this is something really important to who I am.  And after all this time and after all these hurdles… it’s still who I want to be.

That, and rocking a baby to sleep always has been and always will be my favorite thing to do, ever.

World Turned Upside Down

Only about a week and a half after B's surgery, I had to leave town and he was on his own for all the household responsibilities, including 3 daily walks with our two dogs.  He was in pretty good shape by then and was quite the trooper.  He did a great job of taking care of himself and our "life" when I had to unexpectedly travel out of state for nearly two weeks.

I was getting ready for work one morning (actually I was getting ready to drive about an hour away to attend a library conference) and I received a phone call from my sister.  She asked if I’d seen the texts she’d sent me during the night and I said no, I must have slept right through them.  Turns out my mom had gone to the hospital and had emergency surgery overnight!

My mother is diabetic and gotten a small scratch on her finger a while back, but it had healed over and scabbed just fine.  One day, she noticed that her finger was starting to feel achy, so she thought she’d better keep an eye on it.  The next morning it was starting to look a little red, but as she does daycare in her home, she couldn’t really do anything about it during the day but ice it during the children’s naptime.  By the end of her work day, the redness had spread all the way down her hand into her arm, so she knew she’d better go get it checked out.

Long story short, after being turned away from two urgent care clinics, she was admitted to Mayo Clinic with a severe staff infection and had surgery that night to cut out the infection.

My mom spent a week in the hospital and had a second surgery while she was there and a third one after she’d been home a week or so.  The entire time, her family took turns driving her to the hospital for follow ups, administering antibiotic infusions at home, cooking healthy meals for her, taking care of her house and yard, and here’s the kicker… doing daycare for her.

In my next post I’ll talk about what that experience like for a woman struggling with infertility.

B's Surgery Update

How things can change in a month and a half!  Last time I wrote about our specific infertility story, B was in the OR undergoing his surgery.  I’m very happy to report that the surgery went well.  Afterward, Dr. J came out to tell me that B had done well and that the varicoceles had actually been much larger than he had realized from the previous physical examination.  This is a good thing because larger veins = higher improvement rates (normally).

It’s been about five weeks since his surgery and the patient is doing well.  He was very sore and achy for the first week or so.  In fact, he still gets kind of sore if he moves in the wrong direction sometimes.  But overall I’d say he’s recovered remarkably well.  He did wind up taking one extra day off work, but within about 10 days, he was resuming all activities as normal… he had to.

Stay tuned for my next post on what happened in our family shorty after B’s surgery!

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day was a little bittersweet yesterday.  I wasn't too sad.  B and I just stayed home with the pups and took care of "us".  We had given my mom & grandma some gifts the weekend prior, and sent flowers to his mom and grandmothers.  We each called our mom's as well.  But other than that... and the hundreds of Facebook Status updates from others yesterday, there wasn't too much to remind us that it was supposed to be the worst day of the year for me.

It's funny, when you're in high school and college, there are always the girls who say that Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year for them.  They were eternally single of course.  But I never understood them.  Even when I was single on Valentine's Day, I thought of it as a day to celebrate love in general, and if you were not in a romantic loving relationship, then by golly celebrate the other loves in your life, your friends & family!

I kind of feel that way about Mother's Day too.  I was more focused on it being about our mom's than the fact that I want so desperately to be a mother myself.  I felt a little left out when all the acquaintances I am "friends" with on Facebook kept posting about how great it is to be a mother yesterday.  And I have to admit I get peeved every year when the dogs get B a Father's Day Card & Gift... yet they never get me anything for Mother's Day ;)

Other than that though, it was a pretty okay day.  One sensitive relative posted in her Facebook Status a comment not only for all the mothers, but also for those of us who are still waiting for our own little miracles.  That really touched me and I appreciated her thoughtfulness.

I read a great post on another infertility blog this morning about Mother's Day for Infertiles.  She included the ecard image I used above and also lists some great resources in the post that I highly recommend.  She also referred to a poem she had posted last year on Mother's Day that I thought was pretty good and am re-posting below.


Poem from another Infertility Blog: http://thepiferfamily.blogspot.com/


“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

The Cade Foundation: Help with Infertility Costs

I was so excited to find this in my news feed this morning!  I'm grateful, inspired by, and even kind of dumbstruck by the generosity of others who give to causes like these.  


B and I are hoping that his recent surgery will prevent us from needing expensive ART in the future, but its comforting to know that foundations like this are out there for couples like us out there if we need it.

Infertility Solutions: Grand & Giving Foundations

I want this so bad! - Sage Spoonfuls (Homemade Baby Food Kit)

If I ever kids, this will be the first item I want.  Too bad I can' justify spending this much right now when there is such a good deal going!


http://deals.mamapedia.com/deals/sage-spoonfuls?utm_campaign=3428&utm_medium=email&utm_source=deal_alert_sidedeal_0


By feeding children homemade, organic, locally grown baby food, parents are not only giving them the most delicious and nutritious food—they are laying a strong foundation for a lifetime of healthy food choices. By spending just 1 hour every 2 weeks, parents could have a freezer stocked with healthy and delicious baby food, made from safe, natural ingredients.

https://www.sagespoonfuls.com/