Photo Spam from our trip to Italy :)

Blogging may be on a brief hiatus because B & I are currently in Italy celebrating his 40th birthday with his best friend & their wives!  They were born a day a part and have been dreaming of this trip together for years!

This photo is from earlier today, when B & I struck out on our own and took a day trip from Rome to Pompeii & fulfilled my girlhood dream of seeing the ruined city from Ancient Roman times.

I love this picture, and it kind of makes me feel grateful for what we do have.  We have each other, and some pretty amazing life/world experiences.  Hopefully babies will come too, but if not, we'll always have the memories of shared experiences like these, and that's more than a lot of people have.  We are definitely blessed and I am thankful.

Managing Your Infertility Online

I wanted to take a moment to share information from the RESOLVE website about various online tools available for managing your journey through infertility.

I personally have been using some of these tools since very early on in our journey, and others I am still learning about and experimenting with.  I've been blogging for nearly a year and a half now, but have only recently started following RESOLVE on Facebook.  I had done a lot of internet browsing about buying cheaper meds when B & I thought we were going to do IVF, but didn't have any guides to help me sort through the scams from the legit pharmacies.  Had I known about some of the RESOLVE resources below earlier, I might have made some more informed decisions earlier on.  My hope in copying these resources here on my blog, I will increase awareness of them and others like me may benefit.

Infertility 2.0
Discover infertility related blogs, videos, rss feeds, news and more.

Three Ways to Get More from the Internet and Social Media
Learn how to successfully find online the infertility and family building information you need to make informed decisions.

Online Support Communities Could Be Your Lifeline
Online support communities can be your lifeline when you need to reach out to people who understand what you are going through. RESOLVE offers two types of online communities that offer different levels of privacy and engagement. Join a Online Support Communities.

If You Are Using the Internet to Adopt
Some adoption agencies and businesses that facilitate adoptions function only online and do not have offices. Unfortunately, there have been some tragic outcomes when the Internet is used to adopt. Here are some questions to ask before proceeding with an adoption via the internet.

If You are Considering Buying Medication Over the Internet
RESOLVE supports consumers in their efforts to secure safe and effective medications at the best prices. As more pharmacies are offering medications online and some consumers are considering getting their medications from foreign countries, consumers need to carefully consider these sources. Here are some questions to ask in order to find a reputable online pharmacy.

When Using the Internet for Infertility Information
Keep in mind that while the Internet is an excellent vehicle for communication and information, it also can be a sophisticated and subtle form of advertisement. Additionally, don't base your medical work-up or treatment options solely on others’ personal stories. Ask your specialist what his/her opinion is about a particular test or treatment. No information on the Internet is a substitute for medical advice from your doctor. If you use the Internet to connect with others experiencing infertility through news groups, forums, bulletin boards or chats, or if you are using the Internet as an informational resource, consider asking these questions.

RESOLVE & Social Media: Let's Change the Conversation
Whether we like it or not, social media is a big part of our daily lives. Let's use it to change the conversation about something that is important to all of us.

What about you?  What resources have you found that should be added to this list?  What of the above have you found to be helpful in your journey?

Crowdfunding a baby?

The message below was included in a daily digest of news alerts I get about infertility.  This one was particularly interesting to me as it was something I've actually secretly fantasized about but never thought could be a reality: crowdsourcing your family.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Google Alerts <googlealerts-noreply@google.com>Date: Thu, May 2, 2013 at 1:42 PM
Subject: Google Alert - infertility
To: gile.jm@gmail.com

News 1 new results for infertility

KrowdKidz Launches Crowdfunding Community for Infertility, Surrogacy and ... IT News Online TEMPE, Ariz., May 2, 2013 /PRNewswire-iReach/ -- Today KrowdKidz announced it has launched its crowdfunding portal designed to help families challenged with infertility to find donors willing to help defray the costs of infertility treatments ... See all stories on this topic »

---

This once a day Google Alert is brought to you by Google.

On May 2nd, KrowdKidz announced it launched a crowdfunding portal designed to help families challenged with infertility to find donors willing to help defray the costs of infertility treatments, surrogacy and adoption. The portal launched with three initial families seeking help. Donors have the ability to contribute as little as $10 to a family.

IndieGoGo, and Kickstarter, are other crowdfunding sites that have has seen some wild campaigns this since 2011, including a family asking for help funding IVF to start their family.  It was successful and the woman got pregnant.

A quick search in the IndieGoGo site of "IVF" produced six infertility campaigns.  One of the more successful ones featured a video I'd like to share here:

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've talked to B about the idea of doing something like this.  He isn't super comfortable with the idea, he says it would feel like begging.  He said his family could never know about it if we did it.  He admits it is pride that stops him from being on board.  That is frustrating to me, since it is only money that prevents us from being parents and having the family we are ready to have.  

So I guess I could fairly argue that pride and money are the causes of the hell I am living in.  Or at least they are keeping me from my happiness.

What do you think, would you ever crowd-source IVF?  Would it be too embarrassing?  Would you be ashamed?  Would you ever donate to it for another couple?  What if it helped you attain your dreams?  What if you helped a family to grow?

New Beginnings?

Coming across this article about turning Mother's Day into an empowering day for the infertile, which I blogged about here, and which was written by someone not too far away and kind of close to home (at least the home where part of my heart still is) reminds me that B & I have been thinking more about getting a second opinion before pulling the trigger on IVF next year.  

We had been putting it off because I've been so busy with work and travel, and honestly, for a long time we still had hoped that B's varicocele repair surgery would have worked, but now things are slowing down and we are fairly confident that one year post-surgery, the lack of improvement in his semen analysis is pretty indicative of the surgery's affect on our fertility.  Which is literally nothing.  Zero improvement.

But come mid-June, we'll return from our last scheduled trip in the foreseeable future.  I have asked B to get one more semen analysis done over the summer sometime just to confirm that 1.25 - 1.5 years out from surgery, nothing has changed.  I was thinking about visiting an entirely new clinic and going through all the rigors of female infertility testing again just to double check and see if in 3 years my hormones or blood levels have changed, or if my fallopian tubes are still open, or if my ovaries, cervix, or uterus are all still okay.  I was thinking we could try to find referrals for places that are very "holistically" focused, so that they would consider my cycle more instead of just doing the bare minimum and pushing us toward IUI & IVF like our current clinic.  Our RE just moved back to Canada, so we need to see someone new anyway.  Maybe this is the time to try someplace new just to make sure we've explored absolutely everything before we go into so much debt for IVF.

If we start hunting around in July and spend the summer getting things checked out.... again.... that would still give us six months before IVF to sort it all out definitively.  I think it would also be nice to start some therapy or find a support group at that time too.

Yes, I think upon our return from this last trip in June, much of our focus and energy will need to shift toward building our family and our future.  I'll be sure to blog about those experiences here, as this is my best place to sort through my feelings and record all that I learn along this crazy journey!

How Men & Women Grieve Differently

Those of you who have experienced the pain of infertility may have noticed that the emotions you are experiencing may not be the same, or at least not happening the same way at the same time as your partner. Perhaps it seems to you that your partner doesn’t care, or doesn’t understand, or is never on the same page as you. Maybe you feel like you are dealing with all of this by yourself because he just doesn’t seem to be as affected by it as you are. But it may just be that he is processing his pain in his own way, which is different from yours. And he may be just as befuddled by your reactions to the experiences of infertility as you are by his.

It is widely known that men and women grieve differently. While a couple may be grieving over the pain of infertility, it is important to remember that no two people grieve in the same way, or at the same pace. In addition to social cues and family traditions, men and women may find an extra challenge in understanding the grief experienced and expressed by the other gender, even while grieving together over the same thing. Rather than getting angry about our differences, we might try to learn to accept them as a part of the grieving process and support each other as we move toward our shared goal of healing.

The following is from a blog about greif in general, and specifically a post about the differences between how men and women process grief.  The original post is written about grief over the loss of a loved one, but I was struck by how applicable the descriptions were to what B & I have experienced while struggling through years of infertility.  My re-posing this is meant not only to help each gender in a hetero-sexual infertile relationship understand how the other gender may be processing their pain, but also to offer some tips on how support the your partner through it all. 

If you are the man, you may want to take away her hurt and make her feel better, most often by distraction or trying to lighten her mood. In an attempt to remove her pain, you may however be denying her the ability to express her feelings and emotions in a safe way. Women need to talk and express how they feel; it is natural to them, it is what they do. Remember, you don’t have to solve anything. It can also be excruciatingly uncomfortable to be with your partner who is crying and your natural response may be to try and deflect this in some way. This action may serve also, to protect yourself from your own vulnerabilities in relation to the expression of such a strong emotion. She is processing grief in her own way, as a woman.

If you are the woman, you may want him to talk about his feelings and wonder why he doesn’t even seem to care or shed a tear. You might be amazed that he wants to make love to you at a time when it is the last thing on your mind or spend hours out in the shed, keeping as busy as possible. Men generally process and respond to their grief very privately and actively, they like to keep busy. You may not see the occasions where they do cry just like you do, they feel the pain just as much, but express it in different ways – they still hurt. You may notice that he is flying off the handle at the slightest thing or muttering and swearing at the lawnmower that wont ‘go’ – men are more likely to be angry when they are grieving. As women that may be an uncomfortable emotion to witness. He is processing grief in his own way, as a man.

Whichever way you deal with grief, try to nurture and support each other during such an extremely difficult time:

♥ Be near – in physical and emotional closeness, sexual or otherwise

♥ Refrain from offering solutions or becoming judgmental

♥ Listen without interrupting

♥ A silent comforting hug heals much

♥ Remember significant difficult days – birthdays, anniversaries

♥ Understand that grief never ends, the individual person simply adapts over time

♥ Invest in your relationship – take the time for what’s important

♥ Value talking

♥ Love generously

The 5 Stages of Infertility Grief

We've all heard of the five stages of grief.  Just as with any other grieving process the progression of infertility emotions clearly has stages as well. 

The following examples of things infertile couples might think, say, or experience while processing the pain of infertility were originally featured in a blogpost for Connecticut Working Mom's.

I think most infertile women will be able to relate to several of the statements below.  I think I fluctuate from one phase to another and back again, because while the pain of loss may dull over time, the pain of infertility never goes away.  We have monthly reminders, facebook updates, shower invitations, and birth announcements to constantly remind us and open up new wounds.  I also believe that these are not chronological, I think we can float between any of these stages at any time, and that doesn't mean we are regressing, it just means we are normal.  

Denial

“We must have just gotten the timing wrong. Again.”

“Male factor infertility, you say? Hon, we’re switching you out of boxer briefs into boxers. That must be the easy fix. Bonus points if you want to go commando.”

“Something must be wrong with these pee sticks, I can’t ever seem to get the second line to show up.”

Anger

(see also: jealousy, irrational behavior, selfishness)

“Whaddya mean she’s pregnant, again?!”

“Everyone around me is pregnant. It must have been so easy for them. Must be nice.”

“They sent me the defective pee sticks again, these are OBVIOUSLY BROKEN!”

Bargaining

“I’d give anything to be pregnant.”

“If only we had started sooner, I’d probably have a baby by now.”

“Why can’t we just skip all this testing and get right to the IVF? We know that’s what we’ll need anyways.”

“Hello, Amazon.com? Yes, if you could send me another batch of pee sticks, the ones that work this time, I’ll take back that nasty review I wrote last year when I tried to order on Christmas Eve in time for Christmas. I know you have deadlines for a reason. Besides, you have the cheapest pee stick prices…”

Depression

“Nothing is going right. I’ll never be pregnant at this rate.”

“My 18-year-old employee was happy when her pregnancy test was negative. It’s all I can do to keep from sobbing each time I get a negative result.”

“Those pee stick manufacturers obviously don’t want me to have kids.”

Acceptance

“It is what it is. We need to just keep going with the tests to give us the best outcome when the time comes.”

“We’re not the only ones going through this. So many other couples have struggled with infertility, whether we know it or not. There’s a lot of support out there from places we never imagined we’d find it.”

“Maybe I’ll stop peeing on a stick for a while.” 

As I think back, I can see that during the the year and a half that B & I were not using contraceptives but were not actually TTC, we were in denial.  We just kept thinking we were "lucky."  Even the first six months that we were TTC, we just figured we had the timing wrong, or I needed to stop drinking caffeine, or B needed to quit sitting in hottubs.

I kind of think I moved from that phase to bargaining.  We wanted to fast-track to IVF, I started researching cheaper ART treatments in other countries and egg-donation/funded IVF arrangements.  I became vegan and tried to lose weight so I'd have the BMI required for many of these programs.  I was trying to figure out any way possible to avoid being infertile.  I wanted to make a deal so I could outsmart infertility and move onto my baby dreams.

Once I realized I couldn't bargain my way out of this situation, I admit that I moved into anger.  Anger at everyone who is pregnant, including celebrities, strangers, friends, family, everyone.

I think I fluctuate between anger, depression, and acceptance now, though acceptance is usually rather fleeting.  I'll briefly come to some idea or resolution that sounds a lot like acceptance and feel better for a night, a few days, maybe even a week or two, and then something will trigger a return of anger or depression.  It's unpredictable.  Sometimes I learn new things that push me briefly back into bargaining again too.  Often that ends either in acceptance or depression.  It's a never ending random cycle.

My hope is that this post will show women that is perfectly normal to feel the way we do about infertility.  We are not crazy, irrational, or over-emotional.  We are grieving, and that is normal, and it should be expected... and accepted by those around you--pun intended ;)

Understanding the Grief of Infertility

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people in the United States experience infertility.  This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, and one in eight couples. Yet, as a society, we are extremely uninformed about how to provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.  

Perhaps attempting to explain the pain that an infertile couple experiences can help others to understand what their infertile friends and family members are going through.  Understanding the pain of others can foster empathy, and true empathy can create the environment necessary to sincerely support other people.  Therefore, let us try to explain the pain of infertility to others so that they might be better equipped to support us through our grief.

As the RESOLVE website explains, "infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief.  When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry.  Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."

I found an older blog post on WorldofWinks.wordpress.com where the author took information a friend had sent her about grief, and she adapted it to be perfectly applicable to infertility.  I think it might help my friends and family to understand how I feel and what they can do to help me when I am struggling or having a bad day... and maybe it will help them not to say the wrong thing when I'm happy & having a good day too :)

Things I Wish I Could Tell People About Grieving Infertility or Just Grieving

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help.
2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
5. Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
6. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy.
8. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
9. A birthday, anniversaries of big days, holidays, and the day I found out, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
10. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.
11. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood that grief and difficult situations change people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.