Managing Your Infertility Online

I wanted to take a moment to share information from the RESOLVE website about various online tools available for managing your journey through infertility.

I personally have been using some of these tools since very early on in our journey, and others I am still learning about and experimenting with.  I've been blogging for nearly a year and a half now, but have only recently started following RESOLVE on Facebook.  I had done a lot of internet browsing about buying cheaper meds when B & I thought we were going to do IVF, but didn't have any guides to help me sort through the scams from the legit pharmacies.  Had I known about some of the RESOLVE resources below earlier, I might have made some more informed decisions earlier on.  My hope in copying these resources here on my blog, I will increase awareness of them and others like me may benefit.

Infertility 2.0
Discover infertility related blogs, videos, rss feeds, news and more.

Three Ways to Get More from the Internet and Social Media
Learn how to successfully find online the infertility and family building information you need to make informed decisions.

Online Support Communities Could Be Your Lifeline
Online support communities can be your lifeline when you need to reach out to people who understand what you are going through. RESOLVE offers two types of online communities that offer different levels of privacy and engagement. Join a Online Support Communities.

If You Are Using the Internet to Adopt
Some adoption agencies and businesses that facilitate adoptions function only online and do not have offices. Unfortunately, there have been some tragic outcomes when the Internet is used to adopt. Here are some questions to ask before proceeding with an adoption via the internet.

If You are Considering Buying Medication Over the Internet
RESOLVE supports consumers in their efforts to secure safe and effective medications at the best prices. As more pharmacies are offering medications online and some consumers are considering getting their medications from foreign countries, consumers need to carefully consider these sources. Here are some questions to ask in order to find a reputable online pharmacy.

When Using the Internet for Infertility Information
Keep in mind that while the Internet is an excellent vehicle for communication and information, it also can be a sophisticated and subtle form of advertisement. Additionally, don't base your medical work-up or treatment options solely on others’ personal stories. Ask your specialist what his/her opinion is about a particular test or treatment. No information on the Internet is a substitute for medical advice from your doctor. If you use the Internet to connect with others experiencing infertility through news groups, forums, bulletin boards or chats, or if you are using the Internet as an informational resource, consider asking these questions.

RESOLVE & Social Media: Let's Change the Conversation
Whether we like it or not, social media is a big part of our daily lives. Let's use it to change the conversation about something that is important to all of us.

What about you?  What resources have you found that should be added to this list?  What of the above have you found to be helpful in your journey?

Crowdfunding a baby?

The message below was included in a daily digest of news alerts I get about infertility.  This one was particularly interesting to me as it was something I've actually secretly fantasized about but never thought could be a reality: crowdsourcing your family.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Google Alerts <googlealerts-noreply@google.com>Date: Thu, May 2, 2013 at 1:42 PM
Subject: Google Alert - infertility
To: gile.jm@gmail.com

News 1 new results for infertility

KrowdKidz Launches Crowdfunding Community for Infertility, Surrogacy and ... IT News Online TEMPE, Ariz., May 2, 2013 /PRNewswire-iReach/ -- Today KrowdKidz announced it has launched its crowdfunding portal designed to help families challenged with infertility to find donors willing to help defray the costs of infertility treatments ... See all stories on this topic »

---

This once a day Google Alert is brought to you by Google.

On May 2nd, KrowdKidz announced it launched a crowdfunding portal designed to help families challenged with infertility to find donors willing to help defray the costs of infertility treatments, surrogacy and adoption. The portal launched with three initial families seeking help. Donors have the ability to contribute as little as $10 to a family.

IndieGoGo, and Kickstarter, are other crowdfunding sites that have has seen some wild campaigns this since 2011, including a family asking for help funding IVF to start their family.  It was successful and the woman got pregnant.

A quick search in the IndieGoGo site of "IVF" produced six infertility campaigns.  One of the more successful ones featured a video I'd like to share here:

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've talked to B about the idea of doing something like this.  He isn't super comfortable with the idea, he says it would feel like begging.  He said his family could never know about it if we did it.  He admits it is pride that stops him from being on board.  That is frustrating to me, since it is only money that prevents us from being parents and having the family we are ready to have.  

So I guess I could fairly argue that pride and money are the causes of the hell I am living in.  Or at least they are keeping me from my happiness.

What do you think, would you ever crowd-source IVF?  Would it be too embarrassing?  Would you be ashamed?  Would you ever donate to it for another couple?  What if it helped you attain your dreams?  What if you helped a family to grow?

New Beginnings?

Coming across this article about turning Mother's Day into an empowering day for the infertile, which I blogged about here, and which was written by someone not too far away and kind of close to home (at least the home where part of my heart still is) reminds me that B & I have been thinking more about getting a second opinion before pulling the trigger on IVF next year.  

We had been putting it off because I've been so busy with work and travel, and honestly, for a long time we still had hoped that B's varicocele repair surgery would have worked, but now things are slowing down and we are fairly confident that one year post-surgery, the lack of improvement in his semen analysis is pretty indicative of the surgery's affect on our fertility.  Which is literally nothing.  Zero improvement.

But come mid-June, we'll return from our last scheduled trip in the foreseeable future.  I have asked B to get one more semen analysis done over the summer sometime just to confirm that 1.25 - 1.5 years out from surgery, nothing has changed.  I was thinking about visiting an entirely new clinic and going through all the rigors of female infertility testing again just to double check and see if in 3 years my hormones or blood levels have changed, or if my fallopian tubes are still open, or if my ovaries, cervix, or uterus are all still okay.  I was thinking we could try to find referrals for places that are very "holistically" focused, so that they would consider my cycle more instead of just doing the bare minimum and pushing us toward IUI & IVF like our current clinic.  Our RE just moved back to Canada, so we need to see someone new anyway.  Maybe this is the time to try someplace new just to make sure we've explored absolutely everything before we go into so much debt for IVF.

If we start hunting around in July and spend the summer getting things checked out.... again.... that would still give us six months before IVF to sort it all out definitively.  I think it would also be nice to start some therapy or find a support group at that time too.

Yes, I think upon our return from this last trip in June, much of our focus and energy will need to shift toward building our family and our future.  I'll be sure to blog about those experiences here, as this is my best place to sort through my feelings and record all that I learn along this crazy journey!

How Men & Women Grieve Differently

Those of you who have experienced the pain of infertility may have noticed that the emotions you are experiencing may not be the same, or at least not happening the same way at the same time as your partner. Perhaps it seems to you that your partner doesn’t care, or doesn’t understand, or is never on the same page as you. Maybe you feel like you are dealing with all of this by yourself because he just doesn’t seem to be as affected by it as you are. But it may just be that he is processing his pain in his own way, which is different from yours. And he may be just as befuddled by your reactions to the experiences of infertility as you are by his.

It is widely known that men and women grieve differently. While a couple may be grieving over the pain of infertility, it is important to remember that no two people grieve in the same way, or at the same pace. In addition to social cues and family traditions, men and women may find an extra challenge in understanding the grief experienced and expressed by the other gender, even while grieving together over the same thing. Rather than getting angry about our differences, we might try to learn to accept them as a part of the grieving process and support each other as we move toward our shared goal of healing.

The following is from a blog about greif in general, and specifically a post about the differences between how men and women process grief.  The original post is written about grief over the loss of a loved one, but I was struck by how applicable the descriptions were to what B & I have experienced while struggling through years of infertility.  My re-posing this is meant not only to help each gender in a hetero-sexual infertile relationship understand how the other gender may be processing their pain, but also to offer some tips on how support the your partner through it all. 

If you are the man, you may want to take away her hurt and make her feel better, most often by distraction or trying to lighten her mood. In an attempt to remove her pain, you may however be denying her the ability to express her feelings and emotions in a safe way. Women need to talk and express how they feel; it is natural to them, it is what they do. Remember, you don’t have to solve anything. It can also be excruciatingly uncomfortable to be with your partner who is crying and your natural response may be to try and deflect this in some way. This action may serve also, to protect yourself from your own vulnerabilities in relation to the expression of such a strong emotion. She is processing grief in her own way, as a woman.

If you are the woman, you may want him to talk about his feelings and wonder why he doesn’t even seem to care or shed a tear. You might be amazed that he wants to make love to you at a time when it is the last thing on your mind or spend hours out in the shed, keeping as busy as possible. Men generally process and respond to their grief very privately and actively, they like to keep busy. You may not see the occasions where they do cry just like you do, they feel the pain just as much, but express it in different ways – they still hurt. You may notice that he is flying off the handle at the slightest thing or muttering and swearing at the lawnmower that wont ‘go’ – men are more likely to be angry when they are grieving. As women that may be an uncomfortable emotion to witness. He is processing grief in his own way, as a man.

Whichever way you deal with grief, try to nurture and support each other during such an extremely difficult time:

♥ Be near – in physical and emotional closeness, sexual or otherwise

♥ Refrain from offering solutions or becoming judgmental

♥ Listen without interrupting

♥ A silent comforting hug heals much

♥ Remember significant difficult days – birthdays, anniversaries

♥ Understand that grief never ends, the individual person simply adapts over time

♥ Invest in your relationship – take the time for what’s important

♥ Value talking

♥ Love generously

The 5 Stages of Infertility Grief

We've all heard of the five stages of grief.  Just as with any other grieving process the progression of infertility emotions clearly has stages as well. 

The following examples of things infertile couples might think, say, or experience while processing the pain of infertility were originally featured in a blogpost for Connecticut Working Mom's.

I think most infertile women will be able to relate to several of the statements below.  I think I fluctuate from one phase to another and back again, because while the pain of loss may dull over time, the pain of infertility never goes away.  We have monthly reminders, facebook updates, shower invitations, and birth announcements to constantly remind us and open up new wounds.  I also believe that these are not chronological, I think we can float between any of these stages at any time, and that doesn't mean we are regressing, it just means we are normal.  

Denial

“We must have just gotten the timing wrong. Again.”

“Male factor infertility, you say? Hon, we’re switching you out of boxer briefs into boxers. That must be the easy fix. Bonus points if you want to go commando.”

“Something must be wrong with these pee sticks, I can’t ever seem to get the second line to show up.”

Anger

(see also: jealousy, irrational behavior, selfishness)

“Whaddya mean she’s pregnant, again?!”

“Everyone around me is pregnant. It must have been so easy for them. Must be nice.”

“They sent me the defective pee sticks again, these are OBVIOUSLY BROKEN!”

Bargaining

“I’d give anything to be pregnant.”

“If only we had started sooner, I’d probably have a baby by now.”

“Why can’t we just skip all this testing and get right to the IVF? We know that’s what we’ll need anyways.”

“Hello, Amazon.com? Yes, if you could send me another batch of pee sticks, the ones that work this time, I’ll take back that nasty review I wrote last year when I tried to order on Christmas Eve in time for Christmas. I know you have deadlines for a reason. Besides, you have the cheapest pee stick prices…”

Depression

“Nothing is going right. I’ll never be pregnant at this rate.”

“My 18-year-old employee was happy when her pregnancy test was negative. It’s all I can do to keep from sobbing each time I get a negative result.”

“Those pee stick manufacturers obviously don’t want me to have kids.”

Acceptance

“It is what it is. We need to just keep going with the tests to give us the best outcome when the time comes.”

“We’re not the only ones going through this. So many other couples have struggled with infertility, whether we know it or not. There’s a lot of support out there from places we never imagined we’d find it.”

“Maybe I’ll stop peeing on a stick for a while.” 

As I think back, I can see that during the the year and a half that B & I were not using contraceptives but were not actually TTC, we were in denial.  We just kept thinking we were "lucky."  Even the first six months that we were TTC, we just figured we had the timing wrong, or I needed to stop drinking caffeine, or B needed to quit sitting in hottubs.

I kind of think I moved from that phase to bargaining.  We wanted to fast-track to IVF, I started researching cheaper ART treatments in other countries and egg-donation/funded IVF arrangements.  I became vegan and tried to lose weight so I'd have the BMI required for many of these programs.  I was trying to figure out any way possible to avoid being infertile.  I wanted to make a deal so I could outsmart infertility and move onto my baby dreams.

Once I realized I couldn't bargain my way out of this situation, I admit that I moved into anger.  Anger at everyone who is pregnant, including celebrities, strangers, friends, family, everyone.

I think I fluctuate between anger, depression, and acceptance now, though acceptance is usually rather fleeting.  I'll briefly come to some idea or resolution that sounds a lot like acceptance and feel better for a night, a few days, maybe even a week or two, and then something will trigger a return of anger or depression.  It's unpredictable.  Sometimes I learn new things that push me briefly back into bargaining again too.  Often that ends either in acceptance or depression.  It's a never ending random cycle.

My hope is that this post will show women that is perfectly normal to feel the way we do about infertility.  We are not crazy, irrational, or over-emotional.  We are grieving, and that is normal, and it should be expected... and accepted by those around you--pun intended ;)

Understanding the Grief of Infertility

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people in the United States experience infertility.  This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, and one in eight couples. Yet, as a society, we are extremely uninformed about how to provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.  

Perhaps attempting to explain the pain that an infertile couple experiences can help others to understand what their infertile friends and family members are going through.  Understanding the pain of others can foster empathy, and true empathy can create the environment necessary to sincerely support other people.  Therefore, let us try to explain the pain of infertility to others so that they might be better equipped to support us through our grief.

As the RESOLVE website explains, "infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief.  When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry.  Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."

I found an older blog post on WorldofWinks.wordpress.com where the author took information a friend had sent her about grief, and she adapted it to be perfectly applicable to infertility.  I think it might help my friends and family to understand how I feel and what they can do to help me when I am struggling or having a bad day... and maybe it will help them not to say the wrong thing when I'm happy & having a good day too :)

Things I Wish I Could Tell People About Grieving Infertility or Just Grieving

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help.
2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
5. Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
6. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy.
8. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
9. A birthday, anniversaries of big days, holidays, and the day I found out, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
10. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.
11. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood that grief and difficult situations change people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.

Khloe Kardashian is Pissing Me Off

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom married in 2009. Since that time the couple has been trying to conceive, and haven't been successful.  According to Perez Hilton on May 7, 2013, Khloe had an interview with Redbook magazine where she discussed her infertility issues. She claimed she wants everyone to know the "truth." Many applaud her for coming out and discussing her pregnancy issue, but I, along with many others, question whether she’s telling herself "the truth."

In the article Khloe discusses hormone treatments that she has undergone to try to get pregnant. “It’s more about my hormones being off.  I was taking hormone shots to stabilize them, and you have to take those shots consistently and they have to be done by a doctor—you can do them yourself, but I couldn’t.  And then after your cycle, you have to go to the doctor for ultrasounds and more testing. And if I’m in Miami and miss a treatment, I have to start all over again. It’s a commitment and I don’t mind doing it, but the timing was just off.”

Khloe wants everyone to know that she is "not infertile and that she is tired of discussing the issue."

And this is what pisses me off.  The very definition of infertility is a lack of conception after 12 consecutive months of unprotected sex with a fertile partner.  There are many causes of it, and hormonal imbalances and irregularities are one of the many of them.  She is in denial and it is pissing me off that she won't own this.

Look, I get it.  Nobody likes being labeled, especially by others, and particularly when it's something we find to be negative.  But COME ON!  You can't just say you're not infertile and make it be true!  You've been trying for 3.5 years and haven't gotten pregnant yet!  That's the definition of infertility!

And get this, she does admit that she thinks her difficulty in getting pregnant has helped a lot of other women who are struggling with similar issues.... except for the fact that the entire interview demonstrates that she is completely attempting to separate herself from these women!  She clearly does not want to be identified with women struggling from infertility, so why claim that you are proud to have helped them?!?!?!?

How cowardly and two-faced.

I used to like her, she was my favorite of all three of the Kardashian sisters.  This is an opportunity for her to become an activist and a role-model, and instead she is in denial and diminishes the truth of the struggle that 12% of American women are facing.

Come on Khloe, be brave and own this.  Lead the way for us. Continue bringing awareness to this issue instead of shying away from it.  Help us teach society that this is a medical disease and it is okay to talk about it.  Lead by example.  Show us that it is not something to be ashamed of.  Help us create awareness and demand equality, so that all states will mandate health insurance coverage.  Help us, don't lie to yourself that you are not one of us.  None of us wished this for ourselves either, but you could be a voice for us.  You could do something to further our cause.  Use your celebrity and fame to say the things we are thinking, talking, and blogging about.   Advocate for us.  Speak up for us so that more of us can someday achieve what we are all dreaming of, children and families of our very own, and if nothing else, acceptance and support.

You did great things for animals suffering from in-humane cruelty when you advocated with PETA, now do the same for something that hits even closer to home.  Continue making a name for yourself as the Kardashian with substance, courage, and strength.  Do this for the sisterhood you belong too whether you want to admit it to yourself or not.

Rant over.  I hope she bounces back from the press this interview is currently generating, and I hope it's in a way that supports infertile women, rather than ostracizing them.

May is all about you

Thought I'd post a copy of the monthly e-newsletter that RESOLVE sends out to anyone on it's mailing list.  If you'd like to sign up for their mailing list, visit the RESOLVE website.

A monthly reminder that RESOLVE is working to improve the lives of people diagnosed with infertility.

National Infertility Awareness Week® 2013 was a resounding success! Once again the infertility community came together to change the conversation about infertility. “Join the Movement” was embraced by thousands of professionals, volunteers, and RESOLVE community members. Our collective efforts reached millions with information about the disease of infertility. Thank you to all who participated! In May we turn our focus from raising public awareness to helping you. You are the reason RESOLVE exists, and you keep RESOLVE going. You have connected with RESOLVE because you either value RESOLVE’s programs and services or you care about the people we serve. Read on to learn what RESOLVE is doing for you. And reference the sidebar for tips for how to handle Mother’s Day. RESOLVE's Advocacy Day brings largest infertility group to Washington, D.C.  Today, RESOLVE and more than 115 infertiliity advocates are in Washington, D.C. talking to Members of Congress about issues important to the infertility community. You can make an impact right from your home! Call Congress today! It takes 5 minutes. Click here for details! Send an email to Congress and ask them to support the Family Act and a bill to help wounded veterans get infertility coverage. By adding your voice to the efforts of those on Capitol Hill today, you can increase our impact and make a real difference for those that need financial relief for infertility treatments. You will make a difference. RESOLVE Support Groups: You make them happenWe have added 8 support groups in 2013, bringing our current total to 163 nationwide! Thank you to all the volunteers who make support groups possible. May is the perfect month to take charge of your infertility journey and do something for yourself. Find a support group near you. National Infertility Awareness Week® Highlights NIAW in the news RESOLVE in the news Personal stories from the community Bloggers respond to "Join the Movement" Thank you to family building professionals and volunteers who held more than 100 events nationwide in an effort to raise awareness. And thank you to all of our NIAW Sponsors. May 2013  Connect with RESOLVE         Tips for Dealing with Mother’s Day Advice from the Community Advice from RESOLVE Make the Day Your Own We Are Your Support System Attend a 2013 RESOLVE Walk of Hope! Houston - May 18th Washington, D.C. - June 22nd   Your 2013 Checklist Join a Support Group Start a Support Group Get the Newsletter Walk of Hope  Update Your Profile Read the Policy Blog Download a Podcast Do We Have Your Current Information? With so many exciting events, support programs, and important information available, RESOLVE wants to make sure we are sending you the information you need. Please take a moment to review your preferences so that we can serve you better and update our database.

Contact RESOLVE today Phone: 703.556.7172 Fax: 703.506.3266 RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association 1760 Old Meadow Rd., Suite 500 McLean, VA 22102 Connect With Us: Important Information Infertility Diagnosis Family Building Options Insurance Coverage Find RESOLVE Near You Support and Services Find a Support Group Online Support Community HelpLine Find a Professional

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Thoughts on Mother’s Day

There are many good reasons to celebrate Mother’s Day—it can be a day to honor your own mother. One day out of the entire year to thank, honor and celebrate all the sacrifices women make for their families. It should be about love and families.

And there are a lot of good reasons that many do not like Mother's Day too—for me, Mother’s Day is hard because it is a day-long reminder that my husband and I have been struggling from infertility for over 4.5 years.  There are many others who share my sorrow today.  Just google infertility blogs, news, and websites to find many beautiful posts, articles, poems, advice and other information reminding society not to forget about the infertile on Mother's Day.

But it is not just childless infertile women who find mother’s day to be bitterly sad. What about all these other women who dread Mother’s Day?

• Anyone who has lost his or her mother? 
• Those who have lost a child? 
• Those who have not yet found the right partner to start their family with? 
• Those who are estranged from, or have difficult relationships with, their mothers or their children? 
• Those who have disabled children, who cannot make those sweet homemade cards, say “I love you,” or give loving hugs and kisses to their mommy? 
• Those women who struggled for years to create their families and even once they had children, still cannot forget the pain that this particular day used to make them feel. 

This day can be difficult for many women, and men too. To all of you who are struggling today, I want to tell you it is okay not to celebrate. It is okay to take care of yourself today. It is okay to treat today like any other day. It is also okay if you do want to celebrate, whether it be your mother, your children, your memories, or your own strength. Whatever you need to do today, it is okay. And you will be okay too. This day shall pass soon enough and everything will be okay tomorrow.

A Little Laughter to Ease the Pain of Mother's Day

For anyone dealing with infertility, Mother’s Day can be a very difficult day to cope with. In anticipation of tomorrow's holiday, I am reposting a 2011 blog post from the author of 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.

"Perhaps it would be just a bit easier if we could re-name the holiday to something that didn’t remind us of moms and babies. Here are some suggestions for re-naming Mother’s Day: 

• Women who are not on Clomid Day
• International working ovaries Day
• Bratty toddlers and their Mother’s Day
• Her loins really procreated Day
• Please don’t post your Mother’s Day photos on Facebook Day
• A vaginal and brunch celebration Day
• Sperm and egg conceived Day
• She ovulated Day
• Happy pre and post-menopausal Day
• Overpriced chocolates and flowers Day
• You’re not my real Mother Day

…or how about Mother’s and Mother’s-in-Waiting Day."

**********************************

These are pretty funny, and finding reasons to laugh about infertility does help to ease the pressure that this day brings.  This day can be a national reminder of everything we have wished for, lost, never had, worked for, despaired over, fought for and because of, and physically and emotionally hurt from.  This is something most of us feel every day, but on Mother's Day, a day when everyone else is happily celebrating their own mothers or children, the infertile can be overwhelmed by facing all of their experiences and feelings at once.  It can be too much.

An article by Deborah S. Simmons, PhD, LMFT published in the Spring 2013 RESOLVE newsletter and posted on their website suggests letting this day become "your own personal Empowerment Day."

As the article said, "For many who are undergoing fertility treatment and family building, this manufactured holiday can generate anxiety, dread, and anger. You want to be one of the people being celebrated, but you are not there yet.

...You may not feel that you have many choices about fertility treatment, but you absolutely do have choices about how you approach Mother's Day."

Rather than a day of “Why?” let this become a day of “How?” Ask yourself:

“How am I doing on my journey to parenting?”
“How do I need to change my perspective or treatment protocol?”
“How would I LIKE to spend the day?"

The article goes on to say:

"Let this be a decision day about where you are in your life, not just in your attempts to conceive. Let this be a day that is all about you. Embrace self-care as part of your quest to be a mother.

Did you know that you do not have to attend celebrations, even though you have been asked or even if someone demanded you attend? What would you like to do? Being honest does not make you Debbie Downer. It makes you human, and real, and a person. Here’s a truth—someone else may not like you making a different kind of decision, but you will do better. You have absolute permission to stay in bed the entire day, to cry, and to breathe.  

... You can also choose to engage in celebration of your own mother. This year, find a way to do so that fits with your love for her and for yourself. In whatever ways you choose to spend that day, empower yourself to be the beautiful person you were before your fertility journey began and the person you will be after your fertility challenges are resolved."

I'm glad to see that this article reinforces that it is okay to NOT CELEBRATE Mother's Day with others.  At first I felt kind of guilty that B & I didn't make plans to visit our own mothers or grandmothers this year.  We planned ahead and sent them all flowers or gifts to make sure they knew we were thinking of them and appreciating them and honoring them, but now as this day draws closer, we don't really have to focus too much on it or draw much attention to it.  It can be just another day for us.  And honestly, it would have had to be a huge production for us as all of our family lives 2-4 hours away, so it would have been a weekend-long road-trip making multiple stops at several family gatherings.  For us, no holidays are a simple "afternoon over at Grandma's" and Mother's Day would be no exception.  

So this year, like last, we are staying home with our dogs and having a day together, just the 4 of us, doing whatever we want and not really directing any attention to the day at all.  This is what's right for us right now.  There is no telling what future holidays will bring, but for now, we will just be happy at home together and that's okay.

In regards to the above article, as it turns out, the author, Deborah S. Simmons, has been a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine for 15 years and is the co-owner of Partners in Healing of Minneapolis.  I am originally from MN and most of my family is still there, so it's kind of neat to see that someone from the Twin Cities is writing for a cause and is such an expert in an area that I spend so much of my own time researching and thinking about.  Kind of neat I think.

10 Things You Should Not Say To Someone Going Through Infertility Treatments

In celebration of National Infertility Awareness Week, Liz Kozak, writing for the Huff Post's Parenting Blog published the following article on April 28th, which offers a list of what not to say to someone going through fertility treatments.

Early in 2012, I had published a page on this blog about what not to say to your infertile friend, and I imagine that B & I might be just as sensitive to some of the comments outlined below if everything goes as planned and we can find way to finance IVF in 2014.  So, without any further opinions from me, please read, learn, and enjoy!

"Why don't you just adopt?"

I may choose adoption down the line, but my desire to have a biological child is the same as any of the other 800 bazillion women out there getting pregnant and starting families. So, why don't you adopt some manners?

"Just take it as the universe's sign you're not meant to have kids."

Be honest here. Haven't you ever seen a pregnant, smoking woman riding a motorcycle without a helmet while eating sushi -- tuna, no less -- and thought, "Really? She's going to be a mom?" Not everyone with children is fit to be a mother. The universe might not know that, but I do.

"Isn't that really expensive?"

Yes, it is. While we're talking about it, how much was that five-bedroom house you just bought, and how much did you throw down for that Lexus? My money is none of your beeswax, just like yours is none of mine. Unless you're treating at Panera the next time we meet for salads, in which case, thank you in advance.

"You already have one child. Why do you need another?"

This is not my situation, but I've heard this doozy gets thrown around a lot. A lot of parents want more than one child, mostly so family team sports can have an even number of players. Also, so there is more than one person to decide one day that it's best to move you into an old folks' home.

"Are you going to be like Octomom?"

Yes; yes I am. I am going to be exactly like her. In every way. I'm so glad to be having a conversation with someone who really gets me.

"Maybe you're just too old to have a baby."

You're never too old to give up on your dreams. You still haven't given up on wearing leggings as pants, and that has nothing to do with age. Just poor taste. So, thank you for inspiring me to reach for the stars!

"I bet when you stop with the treatments, you'll get pregnant."

OMG! I am going to get my Harvard-trained physician on the phone right now and let him know you've cracked the case. The conversation will go something like this: "Doc? It's me. Listen, we've gotta cancel the IVF. That's right. I know I have 18 follicles ready to burst, but this lady in my book club said the highest success rates do not come from medical advancements, but from doing nothing."

"Just enjoy your freedom!"

I know you truly mean well when you say that. I understand that couples without kids can go on vacations with much less planning than those who do have them. But making the argument that being able to pack up and head to a Sandals resort on a whim is a better place to be in than having rightful heirs to my prized snow globe collection is... wait. Let's call this one a tie.

"I could never give myself all those shots."

Really? Even if you had diabetes? Or were in anaphylactic shock from a stray almond shard and required an EpiPen? I'm not doing this recreationally. There is something wrong with my lady-plumbing, and I am taking medication to try to correct it. And it actually hurts less than the mental anguish I'm suffering as a result of your ignorance.

"Just relax and you'll get pregnant."

So, it's my fault, huh? And all this time I thought it was because my high FSH levels were indicating that something might be off with my egg reserve. You should really share this little nugget of wisdom with people on the kidney donor list, too. I they'll find it really helpful. Also, you win a seasonal fruit basket for being the 1,000th person to ever say this to me.

And the #1 thing you should absolutely say to someone going through infertility treatments:

"I support you."

Podcast: Taming the Twin Trend from Infertility

This podcast is a couple years old (March 30, 2011), but I came across it on the RESOLVE website and decided to check it out.

I agree that people are seeing twins more and more, not even just in the popular media with celebrities, but with everyday people all around them.  Of course people struggling with infertility would feel comfortable hedging their bets with the risk of twins, rather than just transferring one embryo, which would be safer for the fetus(es) and eventual babies/children. It's funny that I say "hedgin their bets," because this whole world of infertility and ART treatments really is a gamble, and many couples get burned in the game, losing money, time, sanity, and the only sure-thing in all this is stress and heartache.  For the lucky ones, the risk is worth it and they graduate out of infertility into parenthood, one way or another.

The part that scares me is that whenever people try to warn me about how difficult multiples will be, I always just think about the cost of having two the same age at the same time, and the stress and time management of it all.  I always brush it off and declare that if anyone can handle multiples, its me!  I am the oldest of 4 kids and grew up living in an in-home daycare.  "I got this," I think to myself when imagining myself surrounded by my adorable like-dressed twins or even triplets.  I've never considered the health risks, medical costs, and heartbreak that could be associated with it.  This podcast kind of opened my eyes and makes me think twice about it.  And I think that's a good thing.  As we get closer to IVF ourselves, I think going in knowing how we feel about every possible outcome is the most important thing.

At this point, if B & I do IVF in 2014, would I choose to do a single or a double/triple embryo transfer?  Unless my health insurance covered it, or if they offered the "two-fer" deal as mentioned in the podcast, I'd probably still elect to transfer as many as my RE will allow, just to increase my odds of a successful live birth.  I'd rather have multiple children who need extra care & attention for a while, then no children ever.  It is so maddening that money and state-mandates on health insurance coverage can play such an important, and honestly, such a deciding factor in all this.  I truly envy those who are able to naturally and easily conceive.  They may think they do, but most of them have no idea what a gift life truly is, and I mean that in the most fundamental meaning of the word.

Videos: Real People Describing Why They Care About Advocacy Day

Today is Advocacy Day in Washington D.C.  I really wanted to be part of this movement, but as is also the case with my infertility struggles, my finances do not allow me to do what I want at this time :)

In support of this important day, I wanted to share a couple of videos from the RESOLVE YouTube Channel: WatchRESOLVE.  Here, real women share their stories about why they are attending Advocacy Day.

Marla at RESOLVE's Advocacy Day

In this video, Marla explains how she hopes to bring awareness to Congress about the struggles of people involved with ART.  Her ultimate goal is to bring access to those who cannot afford treatment and diagnosis of their infertility problems.

Michelle at RESOLVE's Advocacy Day
In this video, Michelle describes the excitement of meeting new people and bonding over common experiences in the world of infertility.

Like Michelle, this is an event I too would love to be a part of in year's to come.  Who knows, maybe some of you will mark your calendars too?

For more information on Advocacy Day, visit the RESOLVE website.

RESOLVE's Advocacy Day Video

With Advocacy Day coming up tomorrow, I thought I'd repost RESOLVE's Advocacy Day Video and a few highlights about why people should participate in this event.  I cannot attend in person, but am supporting and promoting this event as much as possible through my blog and hope to participate in-person in the future.

You should attend RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day if…

• You want to educate your elected officials about the disease of infertility.
• You are dealing with infertility and want to feel a sense of control. 
• You have a loved one touched by infertility and want to show your support. 
• You want more public understanding about the disease of infertility.

Learn more by visiting RESOLVE's Advocacy Day website.

Google Hangout about RESOLVE's Advocacy Day

Streamed live on Mar 19, 2013

Ever wonder what RESOLVE's Advocacy Day is like? Here's a great educational video using Google Hangout and posted to YouTube that will help give you a better understanding of this empowering day. 

Personally, I found it reassuring to hear the ladies in this video explaining that none of them are experts, they are just women who are passionate about this cause, as we all are, who have stepped up to lead this cause and create awareness of this disease to policy makers in our government.

I think it's also really cool that they will have guest speakers and educational opportunities at this event.  Now I'm even more bummed that I can't travel to D.C. for this awesome event.  I hope they post some videos or highlight the day's occurrences in blog posts and other news releases.

I also find it really important that the video points out that the Advocacy Day website gives you all the information you need, from what to wear, to travel plans, to the day's events, etc.

It was kind of comforting to hear that some of these women had gone for the first time last year, and now here they are, featured on a promotional video to encourage us to go!  It really proves that anyone can do this, and we don't need to be experts to be a leader in this cause.

Registration for Advocacy Day after April 24th cannot guarantee Congressional appointments, but RESOLVE still invites you to come to the event and drop by your legislators' offices!

Celebrating National Infertility Survivor Day

What do you think of my new word cloud?  In celebration of National Infertility Survivor Day, I did something fun to celebrate all the hard effort I've put in over the course of the last 3 years toward my goal of becoming a mother.  I found a cool website that will create customizable fun word clouds from your blog's url using the rss feed!  The site is called Tagxedo, and you can create your own here: http://www.tagxedo.com/.

As I said above, next month marks the official three-year-mark of B & I actively TTC.  After about six months of trying, I started to worry we might be facing some issues because we'd already been off birth control for a year and 9 months prior with no "oopsies."  So twenty-one months of "not trying to prevent" combined with six months of "trying" equated to well over two years without conception.  

That's when we started getting things checked out.  A year later we were on the IVF track and pulled out of it at the last minute (you can read about that here), the pain and confusion of coping with that decision is why and when I started this blog in January of 2012.  I've come a long way in my research, planning, and coping mechanisms since then, thanks to this blog.  A word cloud highlighting my own words seems like an appropriate way to celebrate my strength in the face of the many adversities I've been facing for the past few years.

So, what are you going to do to celebrate this special day?  Don't know? Never heard of it you say?  Well read on to learn more!

Get the full scoop on National Infertility Survivor Day!

What:

The holiday was founded in 2004 by Beverly Barna, author of Infertility Sucks! Keeping it All Together When Sperm and Egg Stubbornly Remain Apart (Xlibris Corporation, 2002). 

When:

This holiday falls on the first Sunday of the month of May.  This year, in 2013, the holiday is celebrated on May 5th, today.

Scheduled for the weekend before Mother’s Day, the holiday's timing is intentional, so it can soften the blow of sadness and frustration that many infertile and even formerly infertile women feel as Mother’s Day approaches.

Why:

"Instead of focusing on our losses, we focus on our strengths." - Rachel Gurevich, National Infertility Survival Day: A Day for Self-Care and Celebration, About.com.

The holiday provides an opportunity to turn around and bring something positive to what is a very difficult situation.  We so often focus our energies and thoughts on what we have not been able to achieve, despite all our best efforts.  This is one day, out of the entire year, that we can remember to take the time to honor and celebrate all we have done to try to have a child and build our families

Who:

National Infertility Survival Day isn’t only for the women and couples coping with infertility now, but also a day for those who have gone forward in their lives.

I have communicated with SO MANY WOMEN who's lives have been touched by infertility.  Those who graduate out and go on to have children of their own, either naturally, through ART, or adoption, often tell me that their lives will be forever changed because of what they went through to fulfill their dreams of creating their families.  The kind of pain and suffering that this condition causes is not easily forgotten.

This is a day that formal infertiles can not only celebrate their own strength, but also share the wisdom and experiences they gained with others who are coping with the same struggles now.

How:

It's understandable why some women would feel silly celebrating today when they feel they have nothing to celebrate.  Society puts so much emphasis on celebrating after we’ve accomplished a goal.  It’s not uncommon for women coping with infertility to feel like failures.  But you are not a failure.

With infertility, your accomplishment is the effort you’ve already put towards becoming a parent. You’re celebrating your strength and your efforts. You may not be able to hold these types of accomplishments in your hand, but they are just as real and deserve to be celebrated.

This is a day just for you, and you should celebrate the day however you like!

Get together with friends to take a day away from yourself and your thoughts.  Or don't.  Take a day to be alone with your thoughts and feelings if that's what you need.  Go to the spa and pamper your body.  Or don't think about your body at all if you'd rather spend the day reading or watching movies that's fine too.  Go out for dinner and a movie with you partner and remind yourself of the days when it was just the two of you and you didn't always have baby-making on the brain.  Or do the opposite.  If you and your partner have arrived at a place where you rarely talk about what you are coping with, take today to reconnect and get on the same page with your feelings again.

Whatever you do, make sure you take a moment to acknowledge everything you are have been faced with and how strong you have been already in coping with it.  Take strength in your own courage and have faith in your relationship with your partner.  Trust in yourself, and do something to indulge yourself, whatever that may be.