I have my first hater

Image from Taro the Shiba's Creative Commons Flickr Account

Two weeks ago I posted about "how to be sensitive" with an infertile friend.  That post got a lot of traffic and seems to have stuck a chord with many of my readers.

One reader, was so moved by the post that she actually posted it to her own Facebook wall, commenting that anyone who knows someone struggling with infertility should read the post I wrote.

Now, I've always known that not everyone is comfortable with IVF, or really event ART in general for that matter.  In fact, I witnessed second-hand how cruel people can be in comments of the photo-journalism piece I posted the link to last week.  Those commenters were calling her selfish, telling her to adopt, and all sorts of awful things.

So I knew those people were out there, I just never imagined that by going public with mine & B's struggle, we'd be experiencing this kind of ignorance and cruelty ourselves.

Read the Facebook messages below to see what one of my reader's "friends" posted on her wall after she linked to my blog post (sorry for the screwy formatting in the cut & paste job):

A shared a link.

January 19

If you know someone struggling with infertility, I highly suggest you read this post. It will help you know how to be sensitive. It was written by my cousin-in-law and I'm so so proud of her!http://inconceivablestory.blogspot.com/2012/01/image-from-older-post-on-faint-lines-i.html

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    N: Good article...thanks for posting, Amy! One thought I had about the whole facebook thing...to set their own pace on your news, they can always hide your statuses from their newsfeed...then you can still celebrate with others your joys and concerns and they can check at their own will.
    

    January 19 at 8:27pm ·  ·  1
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    B: I'm so not a fan of this article!
    

    January 19 at 9:28pm via mobile · 
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    A: Why B?
    

    January 19 at 10:37pm · 
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    B: Well do you feel guilty after reading this article for sharing the joys of pregnancy on your facebook or blog? A baby is a precious miracle and should be celebrated. No it is not fair for some but thats life. I feel awful for those with infertility problems and I wish there was never such a thing however when those people do find themselves pregnant do the rules change for them? Are they able to freely share their concerns, questions, excitement with whom they want because they struggled? Can they proudly post pictures of their ultrasounds without sensor? It just comes across as very selfish. I would hope that I would always be the friend with a shoulder to cry on no matter the struggles in my own life.
    

    Friday at 8:23am · 
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    A: Infertility is a tricky thing & it's really hard to explain it to people who have never had to endure it. The writer agrees that it's a selfish way and that infertiles are hypersensitive, but when you're in that much emotional pain, you can't exactly turn it off. It's not that you aren't happy for that person, you are, but you are also sad for yourself at the same time. Does that make sense? The longer the infertility goes on, the harder and harder it is to be happy for others & the more and more bitter you become. I remember when I had just miscarried Haven & I was at Target. The woman in front of me was buying all kinds of baby stuff & she & the clerk were happily talking about how the mom had already had the baby & this was for the shower & how everyone was so happy & doing so great. When it was my turn to get up to the counter, the clerk unknowingly said, "There's been an awful lot of baby showers lately! Must be in the air!" It took everything inside of me not to lose it right in the middle of Target. It wasn't the clerk's fault, or the woman buying the baby gifts, or the women who had the baby for that matter, but I was bitter & upset. Why does everyone else get a child & I don't? There needs to be a mutual line of respect amongst the pregnant & the infertiles. A lot of pregnant people can be more sensitive to the people struggling (for examle: don't treat them differently, don't NOT tell them you're pregnant, don't complain about your pregnancy to them, don't NOT invite them to the baby shower) and infertiles can be more sensitive to the person who is pregnant (for example: not make them feel guilty about being pregnant, etc). As far as social media goes, I like Nikki 'Burmeister' Harrison advice above. It gives the infertiles control of what they can handle, while allowing the preggos to freely share.
    

    Friday at 8:37am ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: If you read the blog post in it's original context, it was written in response to another post about the "former infertiles" that go on to enjoy successful pregnancies and births as Brooke referenced above. The content of the post was specifically asked for by the readers, and was intended as a list of suggestion for how these women who walk with one foot in both worlds can be sensitive to the sisters left behind, still struggling with infertility.
    
    The reason why this group is specifically targeted is because they are aware of what the other women around them are feeling, so now they have a choice to make about how they communicate their joy to the world around them, which they could choose to base on how they once felt when it seemed everyone else around them was pregnant. Women who have never experienced infertility and have never been close to someone struggling with infertility cannot be blamed for posting their happy news on FB. It's the ones who are aware that carry the burden of whether or not to be sensitive to others around them.
    
    I know plenty of women who have not struggled with infertility and still don't plaster FB with pregnancy related news and pictures all the time. There can be a graceful balance.
    

    Saturday at 11:04pm ·  ·  1
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    B: Yes but this article also states: This message is actually for ALL pregnant women, not just former infertiles.
    

    17 hours ago ·  ·  1
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    Queen of Shibas: Fair enough, you have a point, it does say that.
    
    But I think the heart of the story is not really about what you may or may not have gone through in the past, but more so how to be sensitive around close friends or family that you know are suffering from infertility right now. Of course it is any person's right to post anything they want on their own FB page, but maybe if they know someone that they are worried about hurting, this post can offer ways to help them understand where their friend is coming from, emotionally. And perhaps offer ways to help them deal with the situation.
    
    I think the key point in the post is that communication is important. If you know someone you care about is in pain for any reason, not just infertility, the kind and supportive thing to do is to try to be mindful of how your own actions might affect them, and have open communication with them about your concern for them.
    
    You are also right that every pregnancy and child is a beautiful gift that should be celebrated. Infertility throws an unwanted kink in the mix, but as you also said, that's life. Infertility not only affects those who suffer from it, but the other people in their life whom they are close to. This post offers suggestions on how to help 
    people that we might care about who are in pain, get to a place where they can celebrate with the rest of us. Because as A said, it's not that they are not happy for you, they are conflicted by their desire to express their happiness for you despite the fact that it is a reminder of their sadness for themselves.

I think I handled it pretty well, but what you read in my 'anonymous' Facebook responses (I never came clean as the author, though I don't mind if she knows/finds out), isn't an accurate reflection of my true first reactions.

I read what she wrote about not liking the "article" and I wondered where this was heading.  She talked about a baby being a precious miracle and thought to myself, "Duh! Why does she think I want one so bad?"  I read what she wrote about feeling bad for people with infertility but, "that's life" and I wanted to punch the computer screen.  I read that she called me selfish and I started to cry.

I thought about blogging about this incident right away, but I sat on it for a while.  I had a really hard time sleeping that night because I took all her comments so personally.  Here I thought I was writing a blog to reach out to those who cared about me and what B & I are going through, and this stranger barged into my safe space and attacked me!

But then I thought about it some more.

I was the one who had aired out all my dirty laundry, in a public space, and invited trusted friends and relatives to view it.  I am the one who not only decided to leave the settings as public, but to post it to other infertility forums and blogs that I follow.  I am the one who stated very clearly that if my blog has the added benefit of helping others struggling from infertility who happen to stumble across it, that I would be proud.  I am the one who brought this upon myself.

Not only did I decide to "be public," but this hater didn't step into my space.  She had posted on her own friend's Facebook wall.  She could have commented on my blog post, but she didn't.  She wasn't attacking me directly, she was sharing her feelings about a topic that her mind had nothing to do with me as a person because she doesn't even know me.  She was talking to her own friend about an issue she has had personal experiences with, and thusly has her own perspective on.

Turns out this woman has been attacked by an infertile before.  From what I've gathered, she had a friend who was struggling from infertility in the past and really lashed out at her just for being pregnant.  If that is your first encounter with the sad reality of infertility, I can understand why reading my post about how to be sensitive with these people would come across as selfish.  She was probably wondering where the 'article' on infertiles being sensitive with pregnant women was!

I'm not upset anymore, though there was a lot more I would have liked to have said to this woman.  From what I've learned about her, it doesn't sound like trying to explain my feelings or experiences would change her perspective or ignorance very much.  She has had other close friends struggling from infertility since that first incident and never been very sensitive to their condition.  She says at the bottom of her rant that she hoped she'd always be a shoulder to lean on (or whatever) to her friends no matter what.  It doesn't sound like that is really the case for her at all.  I'm sure a lecture from a perfect stranger isn't going to work any better to change her ways.

If she'd continued to read my blog though, she'd know that no, as far as I'm concerned, the rules don't change once an infertile gets pregnant.  In fact, that's what the original post spoke to, former infertiles!  And at the bottom of my blog post, I said that I hoped if I ever became a mother I would look back on this blog post and remember how to be sensitive to those I was leaving behind, and continue to support them and advocate for them.  I still hope I will have the strength, willpower, self-control, and grace to do so.

I Guess Kids are Part of Every Stage of Life

I travelled safely home from Dallas earlier this week.  I was so excited to see B & the furkids when I got home!  B had cleaned the entire apartment for me so I'd have a nice clean home to return to.  He even changed the sheets the day I got home so I'd have fresh bedding to sleep in!  It's good to count blessings like these so you can lean on them when times get tough.

On the flight home I sat next to a grandmother from a smaller city up north.  She was very nice and very talkative.  Unfortunately for me, she had just been down to Tulsa to stay with her son and his family.  His family with three children plus a newborn baby.  She was there for two and a half weeks.  Oh boy.  You'd think that since I wasn't sitting next to a young woman in her twenties or thirties I'd be saved from the dreaded topic of babies coming up for once.

She went on and on about how much fun she had babysitting while she sent her son and his wife out for the evening because "they really needed it."  She complained about what a poor mother her daughter-in-law is because she can't stay off her iPhone long enough to help get the older kids ready for school in the morning.

This poor, wonderful, happy little grandmother had no clue that I've been reeling from the pain of infertility lately.  She couldn't have known that I had just cancelled an IVF cycle less than two weeks ago, which in my mind equals my best chance at a baby this year.  And you know what, she wouldn't have had a clue about any of it from her conversation with me either.

Why not?  Because I was genuinely interested in what she had to say and was sincerely pleased to have met her and listened to what she was talking about.  I wasn't just being polite.  It's crazy to me that after everything I have gone through and am continuing to go through, when push comes to shove, I can still be just as interested in the topic of children, motherhood, and families as I ever was.

Kids and family life are just such a strong part of who I am, that I guess I can compartmentalize my own pain over infertility from my personal interest in a stranger's family life.  Weird.

It gives me hope though.  It demonstrates that infertility doesn't define me (as a good friend recently reminded me), and so if I am ever able to move beyond it (whether that be through a child or acceptance of what cannot be), I will still be the same person inside that I always was.  Someone who loves kids and wants to talk about baby names and nursery decor and child development & learning, and discipline (that's a big one!).

So to the little grandma out there, thank you for sharing your happiness and stories with me.  You gave me more than good company to make the flight go by faster.  You showed me that there is light not only at the end of the tunnel, but also in the midst of the darkness.  I just have to keep my eyes open so I can see it.

Maybe We Should Call Them Alumni?

In several posts, I have referred to women who have previously suffered from infertility and then moved on to successfully get pregnant and have children as "former infertiles."  After reading several of the supportive responses (both in blog comments and personal messages) I was starting to thing that this might not be the best label for this group of women.


First of all, they have shown me that the pain you feel from infertility, never really goes away.  Of course they are happy about their blessings and celebrated.  Many of them wanted to shout their good fortune from the rooftops.  One of them even told me she felt entitled to post anything and everything she felt and experienced through her pregnancy and new motherhood, because of everything she had gone through to achieve it.  But even she said that watching TV shows depicting infertile women brings back a flood of old emotions rushing back to her.  Even she said that after going through something like infertility, it never really leaves.  It changes you forever and becomes a part of you.


I have also been thinking lately, that just because a woman achieves one successful pregnancy, doesn't mean the entire infertility roller coaster isn't going to start all over for her again when she tries to conceive additional children down the road.


A Winter 2008 article in The New Atlantis, entitled Blogging Infertility, describes how these "former infertiles" can feel abandoned by the infertile sisters they left behind once they achieve a successful pregnancy.  The support network that infertiles can find in online forums, blogs, and community networks can be very powerful.  Losing those connections once you become pregnant and those who used to support you every step of the way on your journey to get there stop commenting on your posts, drop off your followers list, and generally unfriend you can be emotionally devastating.


So, I was thinking, maybe there is a better label for these women caught with one foot stuck in two different worlds.  "Former Infertile" is not quite accurate, since they will always carry the pain of infertility with them, even if they never struggle to conceive again.  Perhaps "Alumni" is a little bit better.  


Alumni suggests connections and memories of that which they once were a part of.  Of course, it also implies that those who jump through all the hoops and work hard enough will be able to eventually graduate, and that just isn't the case for everyone.  Some women, will never get pregnant.  So thinking of women who once suffered from infertility but went on to later have children as "alumns" kind of makes it seem like those who don't eventually get pregnant did something wrong or brought it on themselves.


So maybe "former infertile" isn't the right word, and "alumni" isn't quite right either.  Maybe we should just call them the lucky ones.  No matter how we refer to them, we must not exclude them or abandon them, just as we do not want them to abandon us.  We all need continued support and sensitivity.  That is the reality of caring for someone whom infertility has touched their life.

Follow Up to "Pregnant Women are Smug"

I'm afraid that now I too have been guilty of being insensitive to my friends.  Although it was not my intention, my actions have caused pain and anxiety to those around me.  Even though I wasn't even thinking about them, things I posted on this blog has struck a personal chord for some of my friends and hurt them.


I'm referring to my currently pregnant friends.  I wrote a post about pregnant women in general, and lumped them all together in one category and called them smug.  Then I posted a song I found by the same title.  I found it humorous with a grain of truth behind it and so I posted it to lighten up the mood of this blog, which is mostly filled with me whining about why I'm so sad, angry, bitter, jealous, and other such selfishness.


But I didn't think about a couple of amazing friends whom I'm really close to who might get their feeling hurt by me saying such things.  I didn't think about the fact that they too are hypersensitive right now (like me) - and there's is hormonally induced which can prevent them from seeing rationally beyond their current pain.


I'm upset with myself because these friends have done everything as sensitively as they could, waaaay before I ever blogged about "how to be sensitive with me."  The two I am specifically thinking about right now both told me first that they were pregnant before any of our other friends.  I don't think any of them ever even officially announced their pregnancies on Facebook, though they each subtly let a few rare photographs of them in completely unrelated circumstances speak for themselves.  And neither has bombarded me with gushing news of how their pregnancies are progressing.  


They've been so kind to me (regardless of whether they were even thinking about me when doing/not doing these things).  And now I am very sorry for not thinking about how my comments might hurt their feelings.  If you are reading, you know who you are!  Please forgive me if I hurt you.  I wasn't even thinking about you when I wrote those posts, I was speaking generally and not being sensitive to the idea that you currently identify with that group.  Thank you for continuously being a great friend to me, even when I fail to be the best friend I know I can be for you.

Clergyman explains the pain of infertility

Found a great statement by a Catholic Cardinal about the spiritual effects of infertility, as he found them after years of hearing confessionals:

"Often... the spiritual effects of infertility were even worse than those suffered by those who lost a child to disease or to a tragic accident.  There was a unique and silent pain suffered by those who wanted to have children, but could not.  Whole communities will rally around those who lose a child.  Those who feel denied the unique joys and pains of parenthood often suffer in silence, except for the interior screams of pain that others rarely hear.  Clergy must understand this reality and help those who suffer from it..." - Cardinal James Francis Stafford

B and I are not religious, but it is comforting to hear that those in a position of spiritual authority (from a Church who condemns IVF) recognizes this kind of unique pain and advocates for women suffering from infertility.  This piece really made me feel validated and safe to feel the way I do.


If you liked this post, you might also be interested in a fellow infertility blogger's recent post: Thought's on Infertility and God's Will.

Why Facebook is Not Always My Friend

In my recent posts: How to be Sensitive with your Infertile Friend and How to Tell Me You're Pregnant, I kept promising to write a separate post about why Facebook is such a double edged sword for people suffering with infertility.  

This was kind of a tricky one to write about, because its so difficult to explain what infertiles experience on Facebook in a way that doesn't make pregnant women and parents feel defensive about frequently posting about ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures.  Its not like their is any easy way to ask women to temper their enthusiasm on Facebook if they want to be mindful of their infertile friends' feelings.  People can get really offended when it comes to their kids.

But, just as the intention of the two posts referenced above was to offer suggestions of how anyone can be sensitive to friends or family that they know are struggling with infertility, this too is an important post written in the same spirit.  I will try to explain what the infertiles go through, in effort to help others understand why what they write on their own Facebook walls can cause pain.

Before Facebook, infertile women could try to avoid pregnant people at work or social gatherings, limiting their exposure to triggers of bitterness or jealousy.  But that was when friendships were forged in person.  

Now, with millions  of people connecting on Facebook, infertiles can feel trapped.  If we detach from the social media networks (some people call it taking a vacation from Facebook for a while, or going on a Facebook Diet for your mental health), we may lose touch with our supportive network of friends and family.  We also can lose connections and updates from helpful resources, networks, and forums.  But if we choose to continue using Facebook, we are unable to avoid its frequent reminders - ultrasounds, baby kicks and bump pictures - of what might elude us forever.

Here is a hilarious example of what Facebook can look like to an infertile: (from a little pregnant)

Several people have suggested that I "hide" a person's updates in my news feed, if they become pregnant and their posts are too difficult for me to bear.  I have an issue with that.  If they are an acquaintance, fine, that's a good idea, but I'll probably never remember to go back and "unhide" them, so I'll have pretty much lost touch with them, and in that case, what's really the point of being Facebook friends anymore?

If they are a close friend, I have a serious problem with hiding them.  I probably won't forget to unhide them later, but that will be at least six to eight months of being completely out of touch with them on one of my main communication mediums.  If they do have anything else going on in there lives besides their pregnancy, I'll miss out on it.  

And if I do ever go to their page to catch up, I'll still be bombarded with all the stuff I was trying to avoid by hiding them in the first place.  Ok, you say, "just don't go on their page until their pregnancy is born."  Even if I decide to cut myself off completely from a hidden pregnant friend, I'm still going to see her posts on other friend's walls, with her baby bump or ultrasound profile picture, not to mention whatever baby-related things she may or may not be talking about in the post itself.

Even if you do hide all pregnant people as soon as you see that first announcement (close friends & acquaintances alike), it's not going to solve the problem.  The real issue is that you never know it's going to happen until you log in and there it is, at the top of your news feed again. Someone you knew in high school has posted her first ultrasound photo, a cousin has announced her two pink lines, someone who's infertility blog you've been following for a year has posted about her baby’s heartbeat, and you begin to cringe.  What you were expecting to be a quick glance through your personal Facebook feed has now rocked your day and left you staring at an unexpected pregnancy announcement.


And it doesn't end there.  I won't even get into all the "Mom Meme" posts like the one below, but  this is an example of why just hiding someone while they are pregnant doesn't solve the problem.  The pain goes on forever if parents are not sensitive to the way their posts continue to affect infertile friends and family.

The truth is,there's no shortage of people who feel pain while scrolling through Facebook: Chronically single people may envy friends' wedding pictures, for instance.  There have actually been several articles & blog posts about a Harvard business blog writer's post arguing that show that Facebook may be bad for your mental health.  There was also a research study done out of Standford recently on the same topic.


So, while many many many infertile women have bemoaned the confliction we experience on Facebook nearly every time we visit the site, we may have very well have caused similar pain for other people about other topics on Facebook.  But here's the difference, engagement announcements rarely come out of the blue.  If  a single woman's friend gets engaged, she probably saw it coming and was able to slowly prepare for it as their friend dated and got serious in their relationship.  Pregnancy announcements are different because most of the time, you don’t know when your friends are ovulating or if they’re trying to procreate.  Pregnancy announcements can come at 5 weeks or they can come when the person is 6 months along — you just never know.


Anyway, I'm hoping that this can begin to explain what infertile women are feeling about Facebook.  I'm not posting about this topic with the intent of getting others to change what they post on their own wall.  Rather, I'm just trying to create awareness, and if it leads some people who know people they are close to are suffering from infertility decide to use a little bit of a filter or censorship before posting every little detail of their pregnancy on Facebook because they would like to be sensitive to their friends' pain, then I'm proud to have helped them.


But more important than filtering yourself or exercising circumspection before posting your updates, is communicating with your infertile friend.  Acknowledge her pain, acknowledge your discomfort with the situation your pregnancy is causing to you to experience in your relationship with her (if there is discomfort), and ask her what she needs from you so you can continue to support her through her pain, while she supports your happiness.  


She may ask you to make a few concessions for her, or she may let you know that she needs to hide you for a while.  Whatever the case may be, please don't take it personally.  You already did the right thing by being a supportive friend and opening the line of communication with her, and she is lucky to have you in her support network.




A few other blog posts and articles (there are many, many more out there!) about infertiles and Facebook:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402856.html
http://chronichealing.com/facebook-fertility-fallout/
http://www.fertilityauthority.com/comment/1011172
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/11/facebook-status-updates-and-infertility/
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/why-your-infertile-friends-may-be-hiding-you-from-their-facebook-feed-2407307.html
http://adeaconswife.com/2010/10/26/the-pain-of-infertility-and-facebook-envy/

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/baby-face.html

Why don't academics have kids?

Or more specifically, why don't academic librarians have kids?  This question probably sounds odd coming from me, given yesterday's post about all the pregnant women at these library conferences, but I've noticed a trend recently: very few academic librarians seem to have kids.


Why is that?  Most of the ones I know have been married for several years, and are creeping further and further into their thirties, so it can't be that they aren't ready.  Is it that they can't?  Are they all struggling with infertility like me?  Has this profession attracted a certain type of infertile woman who is than able to find support and camaraderie by being surrounded by others just like her? 


Or are they, like many women with high levels of education pushing back their family goals in lieu of their career goals (whether they'd like to or not)?  I would buy that if it was junior faculty members we were talking about, who had to concentrate on their doctoral program, dissertation & defense, and are now researching, publishing, teaching and serving their way toward tenure... but we're not talking about them.  Most of the academic librarians I know already have the job they want.  Or at least they have their foot in the door and are at a place where they plan to be for a long time before they can climb higher toward their ultimate goal. 


Maybe they don't want kids?  Maybe I'm a freak for being in a profession (or at least was in a profession and admire still hang out with my former colleagues) where I'm the only one who  likes children.  Maybe the rest of them found their niche in a place who accepts their pension for a childless life.  Maybe they just want to work and travel and have fun with their husbands and friends.


I asked a couple of them that I knew from my grad school days down here at this conference.  They argued with a few examples of academic librarians they knew that DID have kids...but one was older with school age children, the other had children in college, and the rest were men.  In the examples of the two women, I have know idea where they were in their careers when they got pregnant and had their children.  And the men certainly don't count.  Pregnancy and child rearing is NOT the same for the fathers, in any profession.  This is a conversation about motherhood and work.


I don't know, but it doesn't change how I feel.  I still want to be a mother more than anything.  I'd give up my career to be a mother in a heartbeat (though the way things are going, its looking more and more like I'll have to work until I die just to be able to afford to conceive my child!).


But it's just something I've noticed, because as we all know by know, all I ever think about is babies, and I often look for infertility in others where there is really none to see.  It is a weird place that my mind goes when I'm doing this, but I think it's human nature to compare ourselves to others and look for similar traits that we find in ourselves in others too.

Even at conferences

Babies.  Man, they are EVERYWHERE!  They are inescapable, even at academic and professional conferences.


Last week, at an academic conference for faculty, instructors, and university administrators, sure enough, there was a professor there with her toddler and nanny, all eating breakfast together like one happy family.  Granted, this professor was older, having already been tenured and teaching in the field for 15 years or so, but still, she brought her kid to the conference.  I wonder if she struggled with infertility at all, being that she is older with such a young child?  It's kind of sick how I feel like I'm always on the search for secret infertility stories now.  It's like I'm trying to find others, anyone, who is like me.  Like I'm looking for "my people" or like I'm part of some kind of club that nobody wants to be a member of.


Now I'm at a professional conference, for working practitioners.  Watch out!  Everywhere you turn there is a huge pregnant belly about to swing around and hit you.  There is a woman breast feeding her child over here, another pushing a stroller over there, and if you look over in the dining area there is a woman changing her baby's diaper on the table... without a changing pad... ewwwwwe!


And that's just among my peers.  There was a screaming kid across from me on the plain down here.   He was probably about three.  He screamed and kicked and cried and what did his mother do?  She put her head down with her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, over and over again!  Geez, if you are going to travel with your kid, exercise  some discipline people!  This woman had no business travelling with her son if she can't be the parent and handle his tantrums.  When he'd quiet down for a bit, she'd ask if he wanted to go get ice cream when they got off the plain?  Not as a tactic to bribe him to be quiet, but just to change the subject!  She was freakin' rewarding his bad behavior!  This is what I mean by my previous post about why I'll be a better mother.

Where did the last year of my life go?

It's kind of crazy, but I just caught myself wondering last night, where the last year of my life went?  I was thinking about how I started a new job about this time last year (I suppose having to submit my first annual self-evaluation last week contributed to this train of thought).  I was thinking about all the training I received for that new position.  I thought about all the things I accomplished those first few months and how it doesn't seem like any of those things were very long ago.


I think it's because I had so much going on in my personal life that I haven't had time to reflect on my work life and all the positive things I have been doing.  For example, last month, B and I were all like, "Wow, this time last year, we were just starting to seek out infertility doctors to assess our situation." Or this month it was, "This time last year B gave his first sample and we started done the long road of infertility testing."  And now I'm already thinking that a year ago next month we got the first results back that we may have MIF (male infertility factor).  And it just goes on from there.


A very dear friend just sent me THE MOST BEAUTIFUL email.  She told me she had read the blog and empathized for me and said all kinds of beautiful, inspiring, empowering things about me.  But the thing that stood out to me the most was that infertility does not define who I am.

At first, I was outraged.  I was like, "Yes it does! Don't dismiss what I am going through! Don't take this away from me too!"  It kind of took me back to the place that my MIL brought me, where I felt like those around me were in denial that B and I have a diagnosed physiological condition.


And when I look at all the energy and emotions I've been pouring into this blog in the few short days since I created it, it seems obvious how much infertility consumes me during every waking day.  This post itself demonstrates how much the past year of my life has been devoted to solving and/or coping with this affliction.  So I hope my readers can understand why at first I reacted so negatively to the comment my friend made in her email.


But now that I've had a day or two to think about it, I know that she was write.  I always knew she was writing it from a good place with the best of intentions, but at the time, I thought she was just sorely misguided.  Now I have come to realize that she was right.  Not only was she right, she told me something that I needed to hear at exactly the right time.  Before I let my feelings and even this blog where I am collecting those feelings  take over my identity, I needed to hear that there is so much more to me than the label of infertility.


Infertility has become a part of who I am (and after getting some great responses to various posts from former infertiles I am learning that it will probably always be a part of me).  But it is not all of who I am.  I am still the over-educated girl who loves to travel, is obsessed with all things British, adores horses and now her dogs (I always used to be a cat person but B is allergic).  I care about the environment and social justice for all.  I enjoy photography, scrapbooking, and now making photobooks.  I am a loyal friend, a sensitive daughter, and protective sister.  I have a very weird and unpredictable sense of humor and a curious soul. And now, people are starting to tell me again that I am a good writer too :)


I need to remember to let some of these other qualities shine through too.  I need to sprinkle them into this blog, and even more importantly, not neglect my first blog queenofshibas.blogspot.com because it was originally designed to showcase these interests.


All that said, I am glad I have this blog so there is a safe space to channel and collect the issues that consume and overwhelm me most of the time right now.  By getting them all out of my head and sharing them here, I don't have to carry them with me all the time.  I can concentrate on other things the rest of the time, and come back to them in a safe environment when and where I am ready for them.  AND, sharing them with those close to me in this way protects me from having to talk about them when I am not prepared to do so, because people don't have to ask me how I'm doing with everything anymore.  They can just read for themselves.

How to tell me you are pregnant

(content adapted from an old post on 

Acheiving Conceiving and this Huffington Post for Women article)

Tell me first.This one might seem to go against your intuition.  You might be more inclined to tell all your other close friends before me, and stall as you try to find a way to break the news to me.  The problem with that is, when I finally do find out, not only am I struggling to process the news, I'm also paranoid that you've already told everyone else and I was the last to know.  

I'll then have images racing through my mind of you telling everyone but me, and all of you talking about me behind my back, wondering, "how is she going to take it?," or asking you, "have you told her yet?." 

Like I said in my post about how to be sensitive, the one thing that's worse than facing your pain related to infertility is feeling left out  or that people are talking about you behind your back on top of it.  I'm hoping that by putting all my feelings out there in the open through this blog, those closest to me will  realize that I want people to acknowledge my situation, not ignore it, and then act sensitive accordingly.

Don't do it in personI will need to be sad for myself even while I am happy for you. It's hard for me to make my face look or my voice sound happy when I'm so conflicted.  Let me get my bearings and get used to the idea before I see you in person or talk to you on the phone.  Email is best because it is the most thoughtful and personal, but a private Facebook Message written lovingly could work too.  Do not text it to me, that's just cold and looks like you are avoiding me and don't want to take the time to consider my feelings.

Speak directly to me and acknowledge my pain This means, don't do it in a mass email.  Tell me (or email me alone) before you tell the rest of the world en masse.  Go ahead and spit out the news, but don't be overly giddy about it.  Tell me you won't forget how hard this is for me, and how you'll always support my efforts and be there for me. 

Don't tell me the length of time it took to conceiveEven if you didn't just "fall pregnant" and it took you seven months and this was a planned pregnancy.  It is never helpful to hear how long it took or how you did it.  If you've been doing treatments yourself, I should already know that and if you didn't share it with me before, a pregnancy announcement isn't the right time to share it with me now.

Acknowledge your discomfort (if you have some) So many times, a person simply wants their own situation acknowledged and admitting to your discomfort opens the door for both people to deal with the emotions immediately rather than having them build over the course of the pregnancy.

Keep it briefWhen you give the pregnancy announcement, provide the basic information.  Fill in the details as I ask you questions, at my own pace.  If I am not asking questions, that may be your cue that I am not ready to hear the information.

The sooner you find a way to tell me you are pregnant, the sooner I can process your happy news and get to a place where I can sincerely celebrate with you and everyone else around you.  This won't be comfortable or easy for either of us, but it is a fact of life that infertiles must endure.  While we may sometimes feel like we'd like to hide under a rock until we too are pregnant and can participate in the "normal" functioning world, the truth is that we have to face our pain and go on living through the midst of it.

Our infertility affects everyone around us, and unfortunately, as my close friend or family member, that includes you.  Treating the situation this way will help us all to cope with support and grace.  Just by reading this post you have shown that you understand that and care a great deal.  Congratulations! You my friend are one of the sensitive ones.